Syria Vows to Treat Israelis Slightly Better Than Syrians

JERUSALEM — Responding to three reported Israeli airstrikes this year, Syria has warned its neighbor against any further attacks. Backing up its rhetoric, Syria has targeted Tishreen medium-range ballistic missiles on Tel Aviv — the very same missiles that were used to level neighborhoods in Aleppo, Syria. Said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, “If the Israelis persist in their aggression, we will be forced to act as though they are our own people, but maybe just a little bit better since, you know, it’s not like we can take away your right to vote.”

Tensions continue to tighten between the two countries, the most recent incident occurring on Tuesday when their militaries exchanged fire along their border after an Israeli vehicle was reportedly destroyed for crossing into Syria. Said Assad, “If you enter our country, you should be prepared to be treated as if you are a citizen of our country. Ask anyone here how their car is doing. They will tell you we destroyed it.”

For its part, Israel says it is not attempting to hurt the Assad regime nor aid the rebels in battling the Syrian military, but merely protecting itself, particularly the Israeli-occupied Golan Heights. “We will not interfere in the civil war, but we will not allow it to enter our territory,” said Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Yaalon. “We are not Syrians who can be slaughtered by the thousands yet be totally ignored by the international community. We demand peace and safety for our innocent citizens. Syria’s innocent citizens, eh, not so much.”