Syrian Civil War Causes Flight Delays at Damascus’ Airport

DAMASCUS — The heavy bombardment of targets near Damascus International Airport by Syrian warplanes this week has led to major travel delays for Westerners seeking to return home from their annual Middle East getaways.

“They warned us to cancel our vacation here,” said Lars Skalnes, a German fashion designer whose Lufthansa flight had been delayed several hours due to a suicide bombing near the airport’s cratered runway. “Now I know why – it’s utter chaos – nothing’s on schedule, everyone’s late.”

Officials associated with the airport were unable to provide information as to when flights might be back on schedule, but confirmed that over 20 ground personnel had been killed by Syrian death squads since the flight delays began. “We’re obviously coping with a much smaller workforce,” said the airports Operations Director, Aljid Gahani. “No one wants to come to work – everyone’s afraid of the bombardments and death squads.”

American citizen and mountain enthusiast Tom Brakken, who scaled the peaks of Syria’s Mount Hermon during his visit, was unconvinced by the official story. “I’ve been waiting twelve hours for my luggage, not to mention a food court with no vegetarian options,” complained Brakken. “Had I known there was gonna be a war, I would’ve extended my ticket to climb the Northern peaks.”

American and British governments released a joint statement condemning the Syrian regime for its hostilities towards rebel factions “near Damascus’ International Airport” and demanded a “full restoration to airport operations.” As the Syrian death toll rose to 75,000 this week, according to U.N. estimates, a number of Western tourists sustained serious injuries as a result of the conflict’s collateral damage.

Just two weeks ago, a British citizen suffered a back sprain after unwittingly falling from a hotel bed due to the demolition of a civilian orphanage across the street. Over 100 Syrian children were killed in the offensive, rendering ambulance service unavailable for the injured Westerner. The injured patron filed a formal complaint with the British embassy, requesting a change in triage policies for European travelers who lack familiarity with the country’s services.

According to reports this morning, Syrian bombers have already destroyed the airport’s main terminal, yet details remain unclear. If these reports hold true, flight delays for travelers seeking to leave the country are likely to be extended for a period of years.