Syrian General Defects, Cites Break Room Food

BEIRUT, Lebanon — After supervising military action against rebel citizens during the 22-month civil war in Syria, Maj. Gen. Abdul Aziz Jassem al-Shallal has defected, citing the low quality and limited diversity of food offered in the armed services break room.

General Shallal, whose duties included the punishment of defectors, made a daring escape into Turkey earlier this week by motorcycle. In a video broadcast by Saudi-owned Al Arabiya, Shallal criticized al-Assad for his “psychotic need to control” the break room menu.

“Last week the Keurig broke, and instead of getting it fixed we got instant coffee,” said Shallal, chief of military police, in the broadcast, “You know instant coffee? That’s when you put little crumbs of shit in your cup and add hot water, and boom! You have a piping hot cup of over-diluted shit.”

In addition to complaints about the coffee, Shallal, who has undoubtedly been responsible for the suffering and loss of countless lives during the struggle, pointed to a lack of vegan options and increasingly common “breakfast-as-lunch” days as further motives to switch sides.

“We complain about the stale falafel, so they give us Clif Bars,” said Shallal, whose eyes had witnessed so many tortures and imprisonments at his own consent, “You know Clif Bars? That’s when you take a pile of shit and you compress it into a bar, and presto! You have a rock-hard snack bar of condensed shit.”

“How about a paella day, or a salad bar?” continued Shallal, having resigned himself from keeping toxic chemicals plants hidden from journalistic exposure, “Croissants are not lunch. They’re croissants. I mean, what am I, Sunni?”