DAMASCUS — As the death toll from Syrian President Bashar Assad’s alleged launching of chemical weapons reaches into the thousands, some lucky Syrians received a welcome respite from the recent chaos thanks to the twerking of Miley Cyrus.
In a move the UN called “highly unusual,” tightly controlled Syrian state television broadcast several Western media outlets on Monday morning to provide civilians with what Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Moualem called “an outside perspective.”
Tape-delayed feed from networks such as CNN, MSNBC, and the BBC all revealed that Miley Cyrus had stolen the attention from the UN’s investigation into Assad’s use of chemical weapons with her outrageous performance during Sunday night’s VMA’s.
While stateside reaction to Cyrus’s racy—and racial—performance has been mixed, the Syrian response was one of overwhelming fascination and relief.
“It was so nice to have something else to think about,” said Susan Ahmad, who lives only a mile away from the area of the attacks. “I heard that your diplomat John Kerry called the gas attacks a ‘moral obscenity,’ but obviously he was just talking about this Miley woman whore.”
“When I heard that the government would allow Western broadcasts for a day,” added Ahmad, “I thought I would see the truth about the brutal attacks, but it turns out I have nothing to worry about except this twerking.”
Foreign Minister Moualem continued to deny the use of chemical weapons, stating, “We are all hearing the drums of war being beaten around us. If these countries are willing to launch an aggression or military act against Syria, why do they have she-devils pleasuring enormous stuffed bears on their television?”
While Miley’s moves have been a welcome distraction to some, doctors working to help nerve gas victims in field hospitals outside Damascus say their job has been more difficult since Syrians got an eyeful of Cyrus.
“Many of the casualties are women and children. They arrived with their pupils dilated, cold limbs and foam in their mouths. The doctors say these are typical symptoms of nerve gas victims,” said Bayan Baker, a nurse in the hard-hit town of Douma. “But now the doctors say maybe it’s not nerve gas. They think some civilians have begun to imitate the woman with the crazy tongue they saw on American television. They can’t tell the difference between the nerve gas and the twerking.”