IRVINE, Calif.- In an effort to further appeal to cannabis users the world over, Taco Bell revealed this morning that the vast majority of its new menu items were engineered by two teenagers, both under the influence of marijuana.
“I was visiting one of our locations up in Colorado,” recalls Taco Bell’s Chief Marketing Officer Chris Brandt. “It was about one in the morning and I hear some voice coming from the parking lot, saying, ‘Like what about if they made a taco, right, but instead of taco on the outside it’d be made of Doritos?’ Well, three months later, we had the ‘Doritos Locos Taco’ and Stefan and Chaz earned $2 million for the idea.”
The youth-friendly marketing campaign that followed asks, “Jesus Christ, is there anything you won’t just mindlessly shovel into your face?” Apparently, the answer is no. Taco Bell has sold over 825 million Doritos Locos Tacos in the past two years, making it the most popular food-like item to satisfy the munchies, beating out “Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream” ice cream, another perennial favorite of potheads.
“We had a lot of trouble figuring out the breakfast menu until Stefan and Chz came along,” head food scientist Sergey Lazarus told reporters. “When they walk into the lab, the bong’s fully packed, ‘Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe’ is playing on the iHome, and Nazi zombies or ‘Super Smash Brothers’ are synched up on the flat screen… We tell them not to eat before they come, but it never seems to matter if they did.”
The breakfast fan favorite is the “AM Crunchwrap,” which since March 27 has been offered at over 5,500 locations from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. Stefan and Chaz characterized the wrap in their initial blunt-storming session as, “You know the Crunchwrap? That shit is baller. You should do that–but breakfast.” The AM Crunchwrap sells for approximately $2.49.
The “Waffle Taco,” another Stefan/Chaz brainchild, is seen as a main competitor to the McGriddle. In fact, restaurant analyst Howard Penney, of Hedgeye Risk Management, is convinced Taco Bell’s breakfast menu is the main contributor to McDonald’s recent 1 percent decline in sales. The Waffle Taco, which consists of a syrup smothered waffle wrapped around scrambled eggs and sausage, will be marketed with the tagline, “Here you disgusting peasants just eat this, okay?”
The L-train doesn’t stop with breakfast, though. Stefan and Chaz’s most recent culinary goldmine has been the “Quesarito,” a burrito/quesadilla hybrid unveiled last Friday. The concoction, which consists of rice, low-fat sour cream, and choice of meat, all wrapped in a quesadilla, premiered in Oklahoma City and was the bestselling product in a test market since the Doritos Locos Tacos, the original Stefan and Chaz production.
The Tex-Mex chimera, which contains approximately 630 calories, is being promoted on social media as, “The Quesarito: You know this is killing you right? No? Don’t care?”
Rumor has it that the newest item from the THC-laden minds of Stefan and Chaz will be the “Bell Trough Fiesta,” a dish which consists of a Taco Bell employee squirting nacho cheese into your mouth from the drive through window. It will sell for $3.47 and will also be available in low-fat form on the “Cantina” menu.