In Desperate Quest for Ratings, CNN Anchors Turn to Prostitution

cnn-hooker

NEW YORK — In a plan conceived by its marketing division, CNN anchors have begun having sex with potential audience members in a desperate attempt to boost ratings for the perennially third-place network. A CNN spokesperson confirmed that TV personalities like John King, Soledad O’Brien and Piers Morgan have been turning tricks in the CNN headquarters basement, hoping to turn occasional viewers…

CNN to Outsource News to India

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut costs as well as fend competition from rivals MSNBC and Fox News, the Cable News Network (CNN) has begun outsourcing its news to India. Time Warner executives claim that local Indian broadcast stations are willing to produce compelling stories at a significantly lower cost than American outlets. CNN’s new initiative is projected to save…