Apple Purchases United States Senate, Hostile Hearings End

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WASHINGTON — Faced with withering criticism and antagonistic questions from the U.S. Senate over Apple’s alleged scheme to avoid payment of billions of dollars in taxes, Apple CEO Timothy D. Cook today announced that the company had purchased the entire Senate for $420 million. Apple issued a statement saying, “Once again Apple leads the way in terms of innovation. While it has…

Apple Strudel® Unveils New iPastry 5

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PALO ALTO, Calif. — Apple Strudel, Inc. CEO Tim Cookie held a press conference over the weekend to announce the release date of the highly-anticipated iPastry 5 – the latest in the company’s popular iPastry series which features larger breadcrumbs, a thin, sleek pastry jacket and unprecedented access to the apple cinnamon-raisin filling. “This is the future of baked goods” Cookie said…