Obama Pledges ‘A Spy in Every Home’

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WASHINGTON – After considering a controversial FBI proposal to revamp electronic communication surveillance laws to make it easier to monitor subjects’ online behavior, today the Obama Administration announced that it was planning on pushing the electronic surveillance envelope even further by working with Apple to develop new iSpy programming. “The president felt that the FBI wasn’t thinking far enough ahead,” said White…

Obama Creates Drone Rules, Exempts CIA Drone Attacks from Rules

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WASHINGTON — The Obama administration today announced the completion of a detailed counterterrorism playbook establishing clear rules for drone operations. Among the major tenants of the manual is the fact that CIA targeted-killing drone operations in Pakistan will be exempt from these rules. “War has changed and it’s vital that as we move forward, we follow rules of engagement that reflect our…

Obama: “Fuck, I Really Didn’t Want to Win”

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WASHINGTON — An internal White House memo expressing President Obama’s desire to move “forward” into a different job position has been leaked to the media. A majority of Americans thought Obama’s nonchalance during the first debate was either a lack of preparation or presidential cockiness, but the memo reveals it was actually part of President Obama’s plan to land a different job.…

Obama Least Effective Terrorist-Sympathizing Communist Ever Elected President

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WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…