The White House declined comment on the disclosure. It was unclear whether or how the disclosure would affect attitudes towards Karzai and his government, which are already incredibly low.
WASHINGTON — After the House of Representatives voted for the 37th time to repeal the Affordable Care Act, President Barack Obama relented today, announcing to the American people that he will sign an executive order directing all federal agencies to ignore the groundbreaking legislation. Although Obamacare has been the cornerstone of his presidency thus far, Obama explained at a joint press conference…
WASHINGTON — Republicans took the Senate floor today to blast the Obama administration, charging that President Barack Obama knowingly and with malice chose a confusing location as the site of the Benghazi embassy scandal. “He could have had his scandal in some place decent, like Paris or London, but instead he chose a place on the map that’s really, really difficult for…
WASHINGTON — The Obama Administration released the details of its 2014 budget plan this Wednesday, in what appeared to be an effort to gain absolutely nobody’s support. The Obama budget plan, released only weeks after Congress had finalized its own budget proposals, is very carefully architected to inspire equal amounts of disappointment and consternation in both liberals and conservatives. Obama himself has…
WASHINGTON — Representatives from Tea Party Patriots, Tea Party Express, and The Nationwide Tea Party Coalition have gathered in the heart of the Texas Panhandle to prepare for the festivities surrounding the inauguration of Republican Mitt Romney as President of the United States on Monday, January 21, despite numerous reports that Romney was not, in fact, elected. “It’s like a dream come…
WASHINGTON — When President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner met for the first time since the President won re-election, the two long-time foes found something to bond over – their public display of tears! Boehner is famous for crying when he became Speaker of the House and on several occasions since. Obama recently wiped away tears speaking at an…
WASILLA, Alaska — Rumors are surfacing that Sarah Palin is secretly ecstatic about President Obama’s reelection, since it opens up great businesses opportunities for her. Watching Sarah Palin is like watching a low budget horror movie. The script is terrible and the acting is terrible, but it’s got just the right amount of eeriness to scare you. Personally, America just can’t wait…
MOBILE, Ala. — In a surprising victory speech, President Barack Obama decided to kick Republicans where it hurts. In a nod to his Islamist supporters in Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood, Barack Obama declared his intention to change the name of red state “Alabama” – a state he did not win – to “Allah-‘Bama,” thus combining the names of the Muslim diety and his…
BELMONT, Mass. – Presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent most of Tuesday walking in and out of a Boston voting station, voting for himself again and again. Thanks to an interesting electoral loophole, Governor Romney was permitted to vote one time for each of his several personas. At 8am, Moderate Mitt waited in line with commuters who were voting on their way to…
WASHINGTON — The people of the United States are collectively beginning to realize that Obama’s popular phrase “Moving Forward” doesn’t really mean anything. While “forward” is generally regarded as one of the better directions by most people, they are still are not really sure what Obama is moving forward towards. Concern about the vague direction has increased after Obama released his revised…
JOLIET, Ill. — Deborah Carpenter, founder and owner of a chain of local convenience stores, has called out presidential candidate Mitt Romney for misrepresenting their brief conversation at a recent campaign rally. In a recent stump speech, Romney said, “A lovely small business owner named Deborah told me that I had her vote because the President’s economic strategies had failed her and…
WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure. “Let me be…
DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election day. This type of good will is outside of the AHA’s normal procedures, but executives believe that given Drudge’s influence over the media, the move is essential for the well-being of American…
With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including: Todd Akin for Mitt Romney Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.”…
WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…
DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…
WASHINGTON — Former Vice President Dick Cheney paid a visit to the White House on Wednesday afternoon for what was originally believed to be a meeting concerning the decommissioning of unmanned aerial vehicles, but is now being described by reporters as a “play-date.” According to White House officials, Mr. Cheney has called persistently since the president took office, imploring Mr. Obama to…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An aide working in the White House has come forward, on the basis of anonymity, with new claims that Barack and Michelle Obama have a “swingers club” with global music superstars Beyoncé and Jay-Z. The two couples, arguably two of the most powerful on the planet, have enjoyed a highly publicized friendship since the Grammy winners supported the President…
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…
CHICAGO — A new advertisement released by the Obama campaign has chosen a unique way of criticizing Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan. The ad, entitled “Bad Education,” asserts that one of the primary reasons for Ryan’s selection was the vice presidential candidate’s “two first names.” “Governor Romney wants to confuse you,” the ad’s voice-over narration states. “He wants to insult and…
DENVER — Tonight’s first presidential debate will show that, for President Obama, the race to the White House is a race against the clock. In keeping with Democratic tradition, Obama has shown a commitment to approaching debate as rhetorical Quidditch: a sport that can potentially go on forever. The average American voter has an attention span of 20 seconds; Obama’s defense of…
NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.” As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what…