Boy Scouts Still Unsure Gays Fit for Arts and Crafts

IRVING, Tex. — Although the Boy Scouts of America is currently considering a proposal under which gays would be allowed to participate as scouts, it has not yet decided if gay scouts would be able to complete hyper-masculine scout projects, such as making bird feeders from pine cones, or sewing colorful patches onto their adorable uniforms.

“A lot of people say, ‘If the military is okay with it, why is the BSA still worried?'” said Chief Scout Executive Wayne Brock. “But the fact is, this isn’t the military, where the need for men to trust and be comfortable with one another is a matter of life and death. In the Boy Scouts, we need to know that our members—both children and adults—can plant rows of daisies like a pro, and there’s just no evidence that gays can do it like us ‘normals.’ ”

“This is normal,” added Brock. “A normal thing for an adult man to do.”

In a statement released last week, the BSA claimed it received 200,000 completed surveys indicating that most members of the organization were in favor of allowing gay children to participate, but still did not feel comfortable with gay adult scouts or leaders.

“We all want to be able to leave our kids alone with a grown man who chooses to spend his weekend recycling family newspapers or cleaning up a church parking lot with a bunch of children,” said Brock. “But what if that man is gay? You know? You gotta admit, it’s pretty weird, huh?”


Boy Scouts Introduce ‘Homosexual Shunning’ Merit Badge

NEW YORK — Last week, the Boy Scouts of America stirred controversy after denying Eagle Scout status to an openly gay California Scout. Now, refusing to cave to pressure to become more accepting, Boy Scout leaders have revealed their intention to double down on their homophobia by introducing a controversial new “Homosexual Shunning” merit badge.

“With the introduction of the ‘Homosexual Shunning’ badge, we believe we have fully embraced what Boy Scouts of America stands for in modern American culture: responsible citizenship, superior outdoorsman skills, and brazen homophobia,” said Boy Scouts of America President Wayne M. Perry. “We want to make it absolutely clear, we will not be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.”

For years, the Boy Scouts of America has faced criticism for its refusal to admit open homosexuals as Scouts and Scout leaders, but this is the first time the organization’s homophobia will be endorsed in the form of a badge. Perry says the badge will be awarded for “persistently mocking, ignoring, or rejecting an open homosexual, thus helping to continue the stigmatization of homosexuality in American society.”

According to Scout leader Dominic Gains, the Boy Scouts of America serves an important purpose in our culture; not only as a place for young men to learn valuable life skills, but also as one of the last remaining American institutions that openly discriminates against gays.

“Increasingly, America is becoming more accepting of homosexuality. There are open homosexuals serving in government, teaching our children, and even playing on our sports teams,” said Gains. “If the young people of America don’t learn to be casually homophobic from the Boy Scouts, they might not learn to be casually homophobic at all.”

Boy Scouts leaders revealed they are looking to unveil an “Atheist Shaming” badge by 2014.