Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Worst Dressed Nominee

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: You’re on your own this week, because your guardian, Mars, is in the House of Pancakes. Love: That girl you’ll meet online? That girl to whom you’ll send a picture of your dick?  “She” is a morally ambiguous, morbidly obese IT guy from Minot. Career: Good news is delayed when your boss realizes he doesn’t have…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Suck It Up, Buttercup

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Mars is straight up messin’ with you, bro. Love: Don’t fall asleep during sex unless you’re playing “Doctor and Narcoleptic.” Career: People still won’t know you’re the Banksy of the office! Money: You will keep better financial records if you retire that abacus. Lucky numbers: 2 beads + 1 bead. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This week:…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Brutally Honest Horoscopes Mama like SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Saturn is in the realm of Pluto and it’s bordering on stalking. Love: Dating an older woman makes you sophisticated. Dating an older, older woman makes you a fetishist. Career: Combine work and social engagements by screwing your assistant on the copy machine. Money: A creative approach could net you more financially. So, walk backwards…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Brutally Honest Horoscopes Hold On to Your Hat SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Mars challenges Venus in your house this week… to a game of Twister! Love: You’re less “Match.com” and more “Adult Friend Finder.” Career: Stop looking for work on Craigslist. You will get murdered. Money: Your financial situation is out of your control, especially if you are in a money-blowing machine at…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Horoscopes You know what you do SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Dig deep to find what past experiences are holding you back. Once you do, quickly bury them in your subconscious, because, wow, did some weird shit happen to you! Love: If love is like oxygen, this week you will be brain dead. Career: Your boss is going to realize your aren’t sick…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Brutally Honest Horoscopes Brace Yourself SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This year: This is the year you stick to your resolutions! Because you didn’t make any! Love: February is not your love month… June is, so pass out your grade school valentines then; people will think it’s eccentric. And cute. Mostly eccentric. But that can also get you laid.  Then someone can say to her friends,…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Holiday Horoscopes Bah, Humbug SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: This week, you will be reminded of Christmases past and, unfortunately, something your uncle called “elf love”. Love:  Just because it’s Christmas does not mean you can call that girl a “Ho ho ho”. Career:  At the office party, you will make a drunken speech bitching about “Mike, who always fucking microwaves…

Newslo Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: The Sun is sleeping in your life cycle; stick its hand in warm water so it pees on itself. Love: You won’t impress a girl when you tell her your contribution to world hunger is “tube steak.” Career: You will never be “the man.” You will always be “the asshole.”…

Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week:  This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom.  Love: The deli guy is in like with you.  Career:  When you find out the woman in the cubicle next to you isn’t pregnant; you will want to apologize for “trying to…

Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

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Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: The moon is really messing with you at the beginning of the week; it’s best not to venture outside at all. Call your dealer, put on your robe and make an apple bong. Love: Stop jerking off to your Mom’s “Women’s Day” magazines Career: Nobody is going to notice if…