CIA Farms Out Drones for Contract Work

Cia lobby 2

QUANTICO, Va. — In an effort to make up for its sequester-related budgetary shortfalls, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has announced it has authorized elements of its unmanned drone-warfare program to be contracted out for private use. Speaking to the press, CIA Director John O. Brennan described the quid pro quo arrangement with the Pakistani government, which allows the CIA unfettered access…

Playboy Yet To Offer Petraeus Million Dollar Exclusive Spread

patraeus affair 1

WASHINGTON — In the wake of an infidelity scandal that has rocked the nation and marred the start of President Obama’s second term in office, former United States General and CIA Director David Petraeus acknowledged today that he has yet to receive the widely anticipated proposal from the nation’s top-selling gentleman’s magazine. “Frankly, yes, I’m very surprised,” admitted Peyton Bennett, longtime assistant…

America Excited For Return to Golden Age of Overthrowing Middle-Eastern Democracies

egypt riot 2

WASHINGTON–The Arab Spring germinated the seeds of democracy in nations like Egypt, Libya, and Syria. Decades of totalitarian repression have proven too much for freedom-loving peoples in the Middle East and Northern Africa to tolerate, and with the help of social media, they have thrown off the bonds of despotism. Many of these peoples’ uprisings have gained support from American politicians who…

CIA Resorts to Stealing Citizens’ Identities After Budget Cuts

cia emblem 2

LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has…