Lawyers Argue that Homosexuals Are Corporations, Scalia Apologizes for Previous Statements

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WASHINGTON — At a session of the Supreme Court yesterday, lawyers seeking the repeal of DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) argued that homosexual couples are actually corporations, and, by the Supreme Court’s own logic, should therefore be treated like human beings. Legal scholars are calling the tactic a “stroke of jurisprudential genius,” that may “actually convince the Justice’s that gay couples…

Replacement NFL Referees Review Third Down Play, Overturn Citizens United

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. — After nearly ten minutes of review following a critical third down play that was originally ruled a fumble on Panthers running back Deangelo Williams, referee Jim Core announced to a confused stadium that the Citizens United ruling of 2010 was, in fact, unconstitutional. Core delivered the majority opinion, stating, “After further review, the ruling on the field has been…