CNN Insider: US Default Would Save the Network

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NEW YORK – A CNN executive speaking on the condition of anonymity today said that the prospect of the United States defaulting on its debt—a likely event if the debt ceiling is not raised by October 17—has “reinvigorated” the fledging network. Executives believe that a default, which may have devastating economic consequences, would give the network’s anchors “thousands of hours’ worth of…

In Desperate Quest for Ratings, CNN Anchors Turn to Prostitution

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NEW YORK — In a plan conceived by its marketing division, CNN anchors have begun having sex with potential audience members in a desperate attempt to boost ratings for the perennially third-place network. A CNN spokesperson confirmed that TV personalities like John King, Soledad O’Brien and Piers Morgan have been turning tricks in the CNN headquarters basement, hoping to turn occasional viewers…