Moderation Retires from Senate, Cites Bullying

Moderate Senators retires

WASHINGTON — In an increasingly divisive political environment, it appears the toll on moderation has become too much to bear. Citing bullying, threats and a refusal by some senators to acknowledge its existence, moderation leaves an otherwise divided senate unilaterally joyous to see it go. “This is the NFL, and not everyone’s going to cut it,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell…

Congress Throws $10m Party to Celebrate 8% Rise in Approval Ratings

WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September.  The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…

Congress Votes to Change Definition of “Bribery”

WASHINGTON – The Senate and House of Representatives voted this morning to radically alter the legal ramifications of “bribery” in an effort to exempt themselves, major lobbyists, and corporations from legal action. The legal definition of “bribery” formerly recognized the act as “the offering, giving, receiving, or soliciting of something of value for the purpose of influencing the action of an official…

Congress After Hours: What Congress Is Doing When It’s Doing Nothing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Hill interns have leaked shocking footage of Congressional proceedings that seem to explain the legislative branch’s notorious gridlock. Long criticized for its stasis on any productive activity whatsoever, Congress is known by many Americans as a place where good ideas go to die. While partisan politics and constant filibustering were once believed to be the cause of congressional…

Pennsylvania Passes Law Requiring Voters To Complete Scavenger Hunt Before Voting

HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…

Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and…