“Who knows what this country would look like if I didn’t have Michelle to talk some sense into me with it every now and then”
“Apparently, those days are gone, and we thought it appropriate that we take some time to remember the time before we became completely impotent.”
“Listen, we can’t set the bar too high,” said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor. “As long as we get some significant redistricting done in 2014, it’ll be a proud year, in my book.”
“All I wanna do right now is curl up on my office coach and totally zonk to Candy Crush for a few months,” Coburn admitted. “I figure I’ll be getting to level 200 just around the time we have to shut down the government again.”
HAVANA, Cuba — Determined to become more popular than the United States Congress, former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has hired top PR firm Edelman to help show the American people that he is cooler than their own politicians. In a national poll by Public Policy Polling, United States Congress was voted less popular than cockroaches, traffic jams, and the band Nickelback. However,…
WASHINGTON — In an increasingly divisive political environment, it appears the toll on moderation has become too much to bear. Citing bullying, threats and a refusal by some senators to acknowledge its existence, moderation leaves an otherwise divided senate unilaterally joyous to see it go. “This is the NFL, and not everyone’s going to cut it,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell…
WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September. The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…
WASHINGTON – The Senate and House of Representatives voted this morning to radically alter the legal ramifications of “bribery” in an effort to exempt themselves, major lobbyists, and corporations from legal action. The legal definition of “bribery” formerly recognized the act as “the offering, giving, receiving, or soliciting of something of value for the purpose of influencing the action of an official…
Dear Constituents, I am writing to you today not as a politician, not as an elected representative, not as a public figure, but as your neighbor, friend, and co-worker. As we all know, the government is really starting to crack down on insider trading within Congress, so there is really no point of me being a congressman anymore. It is actually much…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Hill interns have leaked shocking footage of Congressional proceedings that seem to explain the legislative branch’s notorious gridlock. Long criticized for its stasis on any productive activity whatsoever, Congress is known by many Americans as a place where good ideas go to die. While partisan politics and constant filibustering were once believed to be the cause of congressional…
HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and…