Zombie Dick Cheney Target Practice Dummy Accused of Being Too Realistic

Dick Cheney

POWAY, Calif. – Zombie Industries, a company that gained notoriety last week for displaying a target practice dummy closely resembling President Barack Obama at their NRA convention booth, is under fire yet again. This time, the target of public outrage is their recently released “Lawyer” model, which many say closely resembles former Vice President Dick Cheney. “The concern is not a moral one, but a practical one,”…

Dick Cheney Celebrates Opening of the Dick Cheney Presidential Library

Dick Cheney

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Just days after the public opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas, Dick Cheney and a cadre of close advisors celebrated the opening of the Dick Cheney Presidential Library today at an undisclosed location built into a mountain somewhere deep in the Rockies. Speaking to an assembly of hand-picked reporters who were blindfolded for their trip to…

Study Concludes U.S. Engaged in Torture, Pugs Adorable, Rain Wet

WASHINGTON — A nonpartisan study by The Constitution Project, a nonpartisan think tank in Washington, has concluded that following the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, the United States practiced torture. The study also found that the breed of dog known as the pug is ridiculously cute, that most children prefer the taste of chocolate to cauliflower, and that the Sun rises in…

The World According to Dick Cheney’s Old Heart

Like many of you, I was looking forward to The World According to Dick Cheney when it premiered on Friday night.  In fact, I even celebrated by fixing myself a Dick Cheney (that’s half light, sweet crude/half bile).  But when I heard him say “I have no regrets” in the film, I was wishing I could say the same thing. Don’t get…

Dick Cheney Excited to Celebrate Razorblade and Apple Day

JACKSON, Wyo. — Those children daring enough to climb the twisted staircase leading up to Dick Cheney’s gothic stone castle will be sorely disappointed. Do not let the gothic mansion fool you: Cheney does not celebrate Halloween anymore. He just lives there. Fearing a 37th heart attack, the former Vice President has changed his outlook on Halloween. He now believes the Holiday…

Obama Invites Cheney Over to “Play With Bush’s Toys”

Obama-cheney-playdate

WASHINGTON — Former Vice President Dick Cheney paid a visit to the White House on Wednesday afternoon for what was originally believed to be a meeting concerning the decommissioning of unmanned aerial vehicles, but is now being described by reporters as a “play-date.” According to White House officials, Mr. Cheney has called persistently since the president took office, imploring Mr. Obama to…

Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and…