News Outlets Call Writing about Obama Drone War ‘Pure Torture’

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NEW YORK — Various media organizations have said that “it’s like…So. Hard.” to wade into the murky legal and journalistic waters that surround the Obama administration’s multi-continent drone strike program conducted on suspected terrorists, and that they would prefer to discuss the more cut-and-dry moralism of abusing detainees. Asked by discerning citizens if they would please devote more coverage to assassinations being…

Drone Strike Accidentally Kills Al Qaeda Leader

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LANGLEY, Va. — U.S. officials are shocked that a recent drone strike actually killed its intended target, Al Qaeda’s deputy leader, Abu Yahya al-libi. “I don’t know what happened,” said CIA spokesperson James Petrie.  “We were aiming at him, and we hit him.  I don’t think any of us saw that coming.” Since 2004, the United States has launched hundreds of drone…

CIA Employee Mistakes Drone Operation For “Call Of Duty,” Kills Pakistani Family

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LANGLEY, Va. — Michael Hudson, a 5-year veteran of the CIA, has admitted to accidentally killing four Pakistani civilians with the drone he operates. Believing his computer was open to the popular video game “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3,” Hudson emptied his avatar’s arsenal into a desert battlefield. Only hours later did he realize that his computer was not displaying the…