CIA Farms Out Drones for Contract Work

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QUANTICO, Va. — In an effort to make up for its sequester-related budgetary shortfalls, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has announced it has authorized elements of its unmanned drone-warfare program to be contracted out for private use. Speaking to the press, CIA Director John O. Brennan described the quid pro quo arrangement with the Pakistani government, which allows the CIA unfettered access…

Obama Pledges to Increase Drone Transparency, Destructive Capabilities

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WASHINGTON — Stating that his words have been taken out of context by the media, President Obama has clarified that he intends to increase transparency surrounding drone strikes, making the unmanned aerial vehicles “almost entirely see-through.” The Predator and Reaper drone models most commonly used to kill terrorists in Pakistan are easy to detect by radar and only travel at about 100…

Democrats Support Obama Dropping Torture for ‘More Humane’ Drone Killings

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WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders gathered today on the steps of the Capitol in a show of support for President Obama’s rejection of torture in favor of indiscriminate drone killings, saying it shows strength of moral character sorely lacking in today’s world. “America does not torture,” said newly confirmed Secretary of State John Kerry. “Previous administrations sullied our country’s name by refusing to…

Obama Creates Drone Rules, Exempts CIA Drone Attacks from Rules

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WASHINGTON — The Obama administration today announced the completion of a detailed counterterrorism playbook establishing clear rules for drone operations. Among the major tenants of the manual is the fact that CIA targeted-killing drone operations in Pakistan will be exempt from these rules. “War has changed and it’s vital that as we move forward, we follow rules of engagement that reflect our…