Bloomberg Asks for Creation of “Nanny-In-Chief” Cabinet Position, Nominates Self

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…

Teen Sues Facebook, Claims “Like” Button Ended Friendship

WINONA, Mich. — 17-year-old Sara Watkins has filed suit against popular social network Facebook for personal damages, after the collapse of her relationship with former BFF Michaela Karem. Watkins cites Facebook’s “like” feature as the cause of the friendship’s demise. On Friday, September 21, Karem took to Facebook to relay the sad news of her beloved Yorkshire terrier’s death after a three-year…

Facebook Friend Constantly Backpacking Through Europe Finally Dies in Sudden Avalanche

Facebook-friend-dies

OBERHALBSTEIN ALPS, Switzerland — Your Facebook friend who has been relentlessly posting obnoxious pictures of their never-ending backpacking tour through Europe thankfully died in a rare, isolated avalanche near the Splügen Pass yesterday, according to Reuters. The victim, with whom you shared a few classes in college and who was barely an acquaintance, has been polluting your news feed for years with…