Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…