“A message has been sent; a message not to provoke battles that cannot be won”
“Instead of focusing on Netanyahu, the world should be observing the Israeli election as a vote for either the GOP or Obama”
“I think every job interview should be able to start with ‘First question, do you kiss other men?’ and if he answers yes, you can just kick him out the door.”
“The fact that the cover up encompasses every member of the committee is further proof of just how far-reaching this scandal truly is.”
“Avada Kedavra!” to all its hype.
“Laziness is one thing I just can’t deal with,” continued Palin. “If you say you’re going to do something, you better do it.”
The website, VOTEORWE’LLBLOWYOURSKULLAPART.COM, so far has already received 50,000 hits and attracted upwards of a 1,000 volunteers.
Republican supports of secession are already crowdsourcing a number of options for a name of the new nation. The top choices so far include ‘The United State of Wisconsin,’ ‘Badgerland,’ and ‘The Republic of Cheese.’
“We’ve already had people like Nixon and Schwarzenegger running the state,” noted San Diego resident Kim Barclay. “I think California will survive a pro-rape administration.”
Sen. Rob Portman of Ohio described the situation as, “A jailbird in the GOP’s hand is worth two in a cell.”
Alexander added that he was sure Tennessee had many positions black teenagers could fill if they worked for free, something with which the state has a history.
“If we don’t even lose a single troop, it clearly doesn’t count,” stated McCain.
“They forced the President to kill Obamacare and replace it with the Affordable Care Act, they lowered taxes for the 1%, and they eliminated the Minimum Wage altogether.”
“All these government employees claim to love their country,” said House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy. “We’re just giving them a chance to prove it. It’s a new world, and people can’t just take their jobs for granted. You have to show a desire to work.”
When asked to specify what the charges against Obama might be, Flores refused to answer, stating, “Yeah, we’re still working on that.”
“Just when you thought the GOP couldn’t get any whiter, huh?” Preibus said with a chuckle.
WASHINGTON — An inconsolable Republican Party wept openly today after having its heart ripped to shreds by President Barack Obama. The political party, most recently seen finding comfort in the arms of austerity, claimed Obama promised them the moon as he wined and dined them at the Jefferson Hotel on March 6, but has been less-than-attentive since. “He was so sweet and…
CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform pieces from “The Vagina Monologues” at upcoming campaign stops. With this highly unanticipated move, Romney expressed hopes for voters to “get a chance to see me from a different angle. A lady…