Gov. Perry Accidentally Sends National Guard to Patrol New Mexico Border

AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Rick Perry has a message for the tens of thousands of Central American migrants attempting to cross the border into his state, “You’re messing with the wrong Texan.” Unfortunately for Perry, he’s militarizing the wrong border.

“Someone needs to give the governor a remedial geography lesson,” said state Sen. Wendy Davis, who is looking to become Texas’ next governor. “New Mexico, the state, and Mexico, the country, are two very different things.”

Perry announced last week that he would send 1,000 National Guard troops to the border, boldly moving to stem the flood of migrants entering the U.S. illegally, where Congress has so far refused to take decisive action—or at least in the same general vicinity.

By all accounts, Perry intended to dispatch the troops along the state’s porous 1,200-mile border with Mexico. However, his signed order directs the National Guard to patrol areas adjoining New Mexico. At press time, the apparent error has yet to be corrected.

Gov. Perry’s office officially declined comment on this matter. Someone close to the governor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicated that Perry is reluctant to admit another mistake, for fear that doing so would harm his presidential ambitions.

Gaffes have become familiar territory for the governor, who is known just as much for his slapstick as for his cowboy demeanor.

“I will not stand idly by while our citizens are under assault, and little children from Central America are detained in squalor,” said Perry at the Texas Capitol as he announced the deployment. “You’ve got migrants fleeing the terrible conditions in the Northern Triangle of Guatemala, El Salvador, and…ahh…ahhh. I can’t, the third one. Sorry,” Perry added with a shrug. “Oops.”

Wherever the troops find themselves, they are to carry out ground and air operations at an estimated cost of $12 million a month, which the governor intends the federal government to pay. Because Perry did an end run around Washington in calling the troops to action, they may also have the power to make arrests.

Even if Perry sent the troops to the right place along the Texas-old Mexico border, critics note that many of the migrants are already willingly turning themselves in, rendering the buildup pointless.

Said Susana Martínez, governor of New Mexico, “I’m just thankful Perry didn’t confuse my office here Santa Fe for his in Austin. New Mexico can deal with troops at our border, but I’m not sure we could survive with Perry mismanaging our state.”


Capitalizing on Roller Coaster Tragedy, Gov. Perry Introduces Faster, More Thrilling Death Penalty

AUSTIN, Texas — It was supposed to have been an exhilarating day spent with her family at Six Flags Over Texas, but a 75-foot fall from the Texas Giant roller coaster left Rosa Esparza, 52, dead, and sent officials looking for answers. Responding to a call from Sen. Edward Markey (D-M.A.) for federal oversight, Texas Governor Rick Perry offered a bold plan that would protect his state’s roller coasters from what he claims are unwarranted federal intrusions.

Promising that local investigations would soon uncover what caused Esparza to be ejected from her seat in midair, Perry further pledged to “turn the design flaw into a standard feature shared by all restraints aboard the Lone Star State’s roller coasters.” Lamenting the loss of an innocent woman like Rosa, Perry envisioned a future in which the rides “would be used exclusively to carry out mass executions of the state’s most heinous offenders.”

The efficiency afforded by such a change would help secure Texas’s top ranking in terms of number of executions carried out since the Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1976. Perry, who remains staunchly pro-life at least in regard to matters of the unborn, highlighted the need to respond to growing competition in the arena of capital punishment. “Not only does Florida have fantastic theme parks with wild rides, they also sentenced more convicted killers to death row in 2012 than any other state, ours included. Read my lips, Florida: Don’t mess with Texas’s record on executions.”

Responding to persistent allegations of racial discrimination in death penalty cases, Perry assured citizens that “the wooden cowboy cutouts guarding the entrance to the coasters don’t care about the color of your skin or your life circumstances. So long as you are at least 54 inches tall and have committed a capital crime, you get to ride the ride.”

Before leaving to meet with Esparza’s family and offer his condolences, Perry addressed concerns that the plan would involve a particularly cruel and unusual form of punishment. The governor, however, reassured the press corps that family members of the condemned would get to share in their last meal—including a choice of corndog or oversized turkey leg—and take home a complimentary photo keepsake of their loved one experiencing the thrill of their final moments aboard the new and improved Texas Giant.