Government shutdown

Obama Delays Individual Mandate until Republicans Resume Government Shutdown

“The delay will continue indefinitely, in six-week increments, until we see adequate movement in public support for the president’s policies,” threatened White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.

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Nation to Sue Congress over Breach of Contract

“This lawsuit is complete malarkey,” said Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) “If the American people want laws and government, why don’t they all move to China? Seriously, go ahead America. We’ll be fine here without you.”

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Breaking: Putin Intervenes to Resolve Government Shutdown

“I wish I knew what to do with these intransient Tea Party members that have taken the government hostage,” exclaimed Kerry, “but it’s not like Russia can swoop in and save the day every time.

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GOP Demands Obama Invent Time Machine, Persuade His Own Mother to Have Abortion

“Obviously, we would ensure that Obama would be sent back during the first trimester,” said Pitts. “We would never allow for it to be late-term.”

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