1.7 Million Americans Somehow Failed Firearm Background Checks

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WASHINGTON — FBI Director Robert Mueller was reportedly ‘flabbergasted’ to learn that since background checks were first instituted in 1998, 1.7 million Americans have been denied the purchase of a firearm from a licensed gun dealer. “Wow. Are you kidding?” exclaimed Mueller. “There are really people out there who would fail a background check but try to buy a gun legally anyway?…

NRA Apologizes for Ad Targeting Obama’s Daughters, Releases Ad Targeting Handicapped Students

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FAIRFAX, Va. — After withdrawing a widely condemned attack ad calling President Obama an “elitist hypocrite” for allowing his daughters to be protected by armed guards, the National Rifle Association has released an ad criticizing the “special treatment” received by students with disabilities. In a press statement, Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the NRA, admitted that the original advertisement was “at best,…

Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and…