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Five Injured at Gun Appreciation Day Event; Appreciation Increases Dramatically

RALEIGH, N.C. — Five people were accidentally shot at Gun Appreciation Day rallies this Saturday in North Carolina, Indiana, and Ohio while participating in events promoting their Second Amendment right to own guns. These events, marketed by the right-wing group Political Media as a way of bringing attention to responsible gun ownership, were wildly successful, especially in the states where accidents occurred.

“Did you see that gun just go off and shoot three people without even needing to be reloaded?” gun rights activist and concealed carry permit holder Jon Sorey asked several dealers in the wake of the incident. “That was completely awesome. Do you know the model number on that bitch? I want six of ‘em.” Sorey was reacting to the shooting of three North Carolina residents at the Dixie Gun and Knife Show in Raleigh, where a gun accidentally discharged at the show’s safety check-in booth, injuring three individuals simultaneously.

Many onlookers at the North Carolina show agreed. Chris Beardsley, owner of local shop Gun Gorilla Supply Warehouse, stated that he saw the incident as a reinforcement of the need for unchecked gun ownership in the United States. “Damn, man…guns are awesome. That guy didn’t even need to pull the trigger and the thing just decided some shootin’ needed to be done! That’s the kind of proactive response we need in our schools. Not some namby-pamby regulations.”

Accidental incidents in Indiana and Ohio also received their share of acclaim from gun enthusiasts. At the Indy 1500 Gun Show in Indianapolis, a man shot himself in the hand after purchasing a .45 caliber semi-automatic. When reporters asked the crowd if the incident changed how any of them felt about gun control, one onlooker stated his belief that “At least that man who shot himself would’ve been armed if an assailant had tried to shoot him first. As an American and former felon, I’m proud to have access and opportunity to shoot myself in a variety of body parts with as few restrictions as possible. That’s what freedom sounds like. Freedom mixed with eagles.”

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NRA Apologizes for Ad Targeting Obama’s Daughters, Releases Ad Targeting Handicapped Students

FAIRFAX, Va. — After withdrawing a widely condemned attack ad calling President Obama an “elitist hypocrite” for allowing his daughters to be protected by armed guards, the National Rifle Association has released an ad criticizing the “special treatment” received by students with disabilities.

In a press statement, Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the NRA, admitted that the original advertisement was “at best, tactless and nonsensical,” agreeing with critics from all political persuasions that “of course the president’s daughters are going to be many hundreds of times more likely to be targeted for assassination than the average student.”

However, LaPierre contends that the new target of gun rights outrage is well deserved.

“Why is it that every public school has a wheelchair ramp, but almost no schools allow your normal kids to carry a handgun?” LaPierre argues in the voiceover to the hastily revised advertisement. “We go the extra mile to make sure no handicapped students hurt themselves on the stairs, but we won’t let our kids defend themselves from psychopathic, ax-wielding school terrorists?”

The new ad also connects the NRA’s charges of “cripple elitism” with the face of Jon Vandelay, a 16-year-old student at a Fairfax high school who suffers from muscular dystrophy.

“President Obama wants you to blame gun violence on guns,” the ad says, “But this private citizen is the real problem. The money spent on wheelchair ramps and special assistance for Jon Vandelay could easily be spent arming Virginia students of all ages. Here is some footage of Vandelay’s aide helping him urinate.”

LaPierre, who wrote the script for the new TV spot himself, is reportedly quite pleased with the outcome.

“This is a much more proactive and expansive approach to the problem of gun violence,” said LaPierre. “What about bullying? Guns in schools would solve that problem, too.”

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Aurora Movie Theatre: Have a Bang-Up Time at Reopening

AURORA, Col. – To celebrate the reopening of the Century 16 movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, where last year, 12 people were slaughtered and 58 others injured in a devastating massacre, owners of the theater complex, this week, sent free tickets for the happy event to all massacre survivors.

When survivors responded with outrage and disgust, Aurora theater managers resolved to work a little harder and promised to make this, “a weekend the survivors will never forget.”  “We may have been a bit off target at first… ya know – missed the bull’s-eye, but we aim to have a bang-up time this weekend, and shoot – we hope our audience does as well.”

“We’re back and open for business!” they crowed,  “and on this somber reopening, we hope that everyone, including each and every shooting victim that can make it, comes out for some good old-fashioned Hollywood fun!”

Films on deck for the celebration include: “Taxi Driver,” “Rambo – first blood,” and three lousy Charlton Heston movies.

To further demonstrate their appreciation for victims of the tragedy, at all showings this weekend, any survivor who was shot below the waist will receive a deluxe popcorn, (with or without topping), and one medium sized soft drink.

Victims who were shot above the waist are being offered a family sized nacho platter, two large soft drinks, and a box of movie bites.

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NRA VP Sitting In Dark Living Room With Loaded AK-47, Waiting to Shoot Intruder

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun.

“I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d love some action. Seriously, somebody please invade my home. ”

The gun-advocate will continue to slowly puff a cigarette in the darkness while aiming his AK-47 assault rifle at the front door, insisting that the Founding Fathers intended for him to “cap the living shit” out of anyone who tries to make off with his flat screen television.

“I’m waiting,” added LaPierre, who can be seen through the window rocking in a chair with extra magazines of ammunition draped around his neck. Authorities also believe the NRA VP has a six-inch bowie knife duct-taped to his calf.

A vast, intricate system of tripwires and land-mines also surround LaPierre’s sprawling Fairfax residence, including a neon-sign at the end of the driveway that reads “ON VACATION: COME ON IN.” The home boasts five bedrooms, four baths, and a three-car garage that as of press time is still completely open.

“He really loves his guns,” said neighbor Ellen Fishbein, who was fired at multiple times last week for trying to drop off some of LaPierre’s mis-delivered mail. “He just sits there and strokes them.”

LaPierre, who was last seen sporting military fatigues and eating sardines from a can with a Swiss-army knife, is celebrated among legions of paranoid white men for his effective lobbying techniques as well as an impressive stockpile of rocket-propelled grenades. Critics, however, have railed against the LaPierre’s permissive attitude on gun control, and believe that the NRA honcho encourages a right-wing fantasy that has little basis in the day-to-day reality of life.

“He lives in a gated community,” said Moms Against Guns spokeswoman Becky Sullworth. “I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.”

LaPierre recently made headlines for pushing a bill through Congress that allows registered gun-owners to shoot door-to-door salesmen on sight.