Congress Unanimously Thankful It Doesn’t Have Constitutional Power Over Chicago

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CHICAGO — In a rare act of bipartisanship, members of Congress from both political parties have agreed to ignore Chicago’s growing epidemic of violence, a course of action made all the more easily due to the Constitution’s limit on Federal powers. “It’s a challenge for us to agree on anything these days,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “But when it comes to Chicago’s…

Chicago Residents Surprised to be Pushed from the National Spotlight

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CHICAGO — It was a shining moment for Chicago, it’s growing homicide rate and escalating gang war.  During his State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama actually named checked Hadiya Pendleton, the 15-year-old girl who was tragically killed in Chicago, weeks after performing at President Obama’s second inauguration. But mere moments later Chicago and it’s crime had the spotlight yanked away,…

Chicago School District Bans Wealthy Students From Attending Class In Order to Level Playing Field

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CHICAGO — In an unprecedented attempt to fix America’s education system, the Chicago school district has banned all students from families making more than $27,000 a year from attending class. The board argues that because children from low-income families get a disproportionately lower education than their wealthier counterparts, the ban will level the playing field once and for all. “The savage inequalities…

Chicago Constructs Death Clock to Force Media Discussion of Gun Violence

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CHICAGO — Realizing that their city would see a record high number of fatalities from gun violence in 2012, Chicago residents have pooled resources to construct the Annual Death Clock. The billboard-sized mortality counter was created in response to the dearth of media coverage of Chicago’s unrelenting struggle with gun-related deaths, primarily among minority youths. Last month, the 400th annual murder in…