Restaurant Owner Offers Free Food for Anyone Who Points a Gun at Him

PORT ALLEN, La – Kevin Cox, owner of Bergerson’s Restaurant in Port Allen, is encouraging people to bring guns into his restaurant, letting it be known that anyone who aims a loaded weapon at Cox’s head will be given a free meal.

“I just need to see a weapon. I need you to be carrying a gun,” Cox said. “And I need you to point that gun at my head and threaten to pull the trigger. After that, the meal’s on me.”

Cox had already been offering a discount at his restaurant to law enforcement officers who were carrying guns, but when a number of customers asked if they could also bring their guns in to get a discount, he chose to open up his offer to anyone packing heat. “My friends and relatives would come in with their guns on their holster. I felt good about that,” said Cox. “It made me feel safer that they were there with their gun, so why not include all good citizens with the officers too?”

“Obviously, anybody who brings a gun into my restaurant is trying to make my place of business a safer environment for me and my customers,” he added. “That’s worth a few bucks.”

The change from discounted food to a free meal grew organically from the new policy. “If a gun in a holster is safe, then a gun out of a holster is even safer, right? Logically, a gun aiming between my eyes has to be the safest of all.”

Thus far, the new policy of threatening to shoot Cox in order to get a free meal has been popular with restaurant patrons. “There’s so many people who are trying to take our guns away and the government makes stricter gun laws,” said customer Olivia Carambat, who recently brought her Smith and Wesson 38 into the establishment. “They forget that we really do, we’re given the right in the Constitution to keep and bear arms. And why would anyone keep and bear arms without pointing them at people? I mean that’s why they have a narrow end in the first place.”

Cox is happy his new policy has been a hit, and said the more guns brought into his restaurant, the safer he feels. “If you have a gun on you, I’m going to give you a discount,” he said. “If you take that gun and threaten me or my family, then I’m going to give you a free meal.”


Give-a-Gun, Take-a-Gun Jar in Georgia Convenience Store a Hit-and-Run

VALDOSTA, Ga.—No longer is the most dangerous thing in the local Enmark convenience store the three-alarm chili dog that has been spinning on its warmer since 1991. Thanks to the state’s new “guns everywhere” law, customers are able to grab a complimentary firearm if they come up short at the register.

The Georgia Safe Carry Protection Act came into effect last week, just in time for residents to stock up on chips, dip, and pistol grips for Independence Day. The law permits Georgia’s licensed gun owners and visitors from nearly 30 other states to carry their weapons into bars, schools, churches, and “pretty much everywhere else.”

“People come to Enmark to pick up a pack of cigarettes or a gallon of milk,” explained night manager Bob Beckhart. “Oftentimes they’re in a rush and don’t have time to put on a shirt or shoes before entering the store, let alone remember their handgun.”

Beckhart decided to offer a a give-a-gun, take-a-gun jar on the checkout counter to “handle this transition period, when our customers are still getting into the habit of always packing heat.”

Like a give-a-penny, take-a-penny jar, patrons are encouraged to drop spare guns into the jar or to grab a gun to help them settle an outstanding charge.

“It’s a real convenience,” said Bridgett Silver, 21, who was asked to buy a loaf of bread for her mother before realizing she didn’t have enough change. So she grabbed a gun from the jar, pointed in the general direction of the clerk and then walked out of the store with the bread.

“Next time I’m here,” said Silver, “I’ll be sure to pop the pistol back in the jar, so someone else could use it in a similar squeeze.”

Others come to the store prepared to give as good as they get but still appreciate the offering, nonetheless.

Ronald Williams, 62, spotted a fellow customer with a holstered weapon in Enmark on July 1—the same day the new law went into effect. After the customer refused to show Williams his identification and a firearms license, Williams drew his own gun.

No shots were fired, but Williams was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor. Nobody, not even police officers, are allowed to demand to see a firearms permit under the new law.

Fortunately for Williams, the “guns everywhere” law also abolishes a previous restriction preventing people convicted of certain misdemeanors from obtaining a gun permit.

“It’s plain to see the law is having its intended effect,” said Williams as he was preparing to leave the police station. He excused himself to go to the convenience store for a pack of gum, taking with him his pistol but leaving his wallet behind.

Today's Headlines US

Oklahoma Gun Range Owner Claims Howitzer Misfire Caused By Liberal Conspiracy Called ‘Physics’

WYANDOTTE, Okla. – An artillery shell fired from a 105mm howitzer at the Oklahoma Full Auto Shoot and Trade Show last weekend crashed through the walls and ceiling of an Oklahoma home three miles away while homeowner Gene Kelley and his wife were in the house. The owner of historic, military-grade weapon insisted that the gun was fired properly, and blamed the damage to the Kelley’s home on what he termed ‘that damn liberal conspiracy they call physics.’

“As far as the safety end of everything, we drill every one of our shooters before it ever begins. We have [a] 30-45 minute drill,” said Mike Friend, Owner of Fast Machine Gun Shoot. “We teach them how to point the gun, how to fire the gun, all that. What the shell does after that is up to God.”

Friend claimed that the individual who paid him money for the treat of firing the deadly weapon in no way intended to destroy the Kelley’s home. “It was not on a level plane, but on a downward trend, pointed downhill in the bottom of a valley,” said Friend. “For that thing to rise and go far northwest of the range, it’s just unheard of.

“It was those damn anti-gun freaks putting their physics mumbo-jumbo on the shell. They’re the real criminals,” he added.

Friend said authorities should look for a way to better protect gun owners from the ‘liberal physics conspiracy. “That’s some seriously dangerous stuff,” he said. “I mean you shoot a gun in the air, and they make the bullet come right back down at you. Someone’s going to get hurt!”

The homeowners, in another room at the time, were unharmed when the 14.5 inch-long, 3.5 inch-across shell blasted the walls of their house into smithereens. “It’s unbelievable,” Kelley said. “Unless you were here to see it or see the pictures I’ve got, you would not believe how huge this thing is.” Kelley said things could have been even worse had the shell not struck a tree and the ground before smashing its way through his home.

Friend agreed that his 105mm howitzer has some serious kill power. “Oh yeah, pulverize a wall three miles out? No problem,” he said. “You should see what it does from, like, a couple hundred yards away!”

Today's Headlines US

Colorado GOP Tests New Strategy, Sends Gunmen to Doors of Hesitant Voters

DENVER, Colo. – Throughout the nation, GOP hopefuls have recently begun offering voters who submit personal contact information to their campaign websites and e-mailing lists the chance to win a firearm through number-based raffles.

Though a relatively unexploited political maneuver, such gun raffles have been used to collect information during a California race for sheriff, a Senate primary in South Carolina, and an unsuccessful gubernatorial run in Colorado. Though he was unsuccessful in making the Republican ballot, state Sen. Greg Brophy also ran his own gun sweepstakes while campaigning for governor of Colorado.

Brophy was quoted in an April 19th interview with Patriots, Pecs, and Ammo Magazine saying, “This gun sweepstakes, it’s just the beginning. These men and women who are entering the raffles are Republicans anyway. Now the next step is we gots [sic] to figure out how to get these people to the polls.”

In cooperation with the fundraising group Sons and Daughters of Constitutional Soil, a new Colorado GOP-sponsored website has since been launched. The site attempts to solicit volunteers to “help get hesitant voters to the polls, and, more importantly, educate them on why they should vote right”, according to the website’s mission statement.

The website, VOTEORWE’LLBLOWYOURSKULLAPART.COM, so far has already received 50,000 hits and attracted upwards of a 1,000 volunteers.

A request from the site owners for further information has been ignored, though an excerpt from an instructional handbook, normally available only to volunteers, has been obtained by Newslo.

It reads, in part, “To attract voters who might be hesitant to vote, and vote right, we are embarking on a new strategy in which we send armed volunteers to the homes of anyone who has not submitted contact information to our gun raffles… If, after gentle prodding, they still seem undecided or hesitant in voting, we suggest firing a warning shot just to let them know this is serious business. Perhaps aim at a birdbath or vanity mailbox. If the warning shot doesn’t produce the desired effect, more extreme measures are encouraged.”

State Sen. Brophy, when queried on the Colorado GOP’s new strategy responded,

“Look, man. No one’s doing anything illegal. You’re allowed to go door to door here. And to be honest if we have to blow a skull apart it’s only because these people still refuse to vote, and, to be entirely honest now, that scares us.”

He continued, “So really we’re just standing our political ground like a political Zimmerman, and what’s wrong with that? When Jay Z said ‘Vote or Die,’ he’s on all your musical televisions. But when we actually carry the warning out, we’re demonized by the liberal media. Now isn’t that the real issue here?”

Today's Headlines US

South Carolina to Allow Guns in Nursery Schools

COLUMBIA, S.C. – Immediately after South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley signed a law allowing concealed weapons in bars, restaurants, and other establishments that serve alcohol, the Republican governor added her signature to a bill allowing the open display and carrying of lethal firearms within the State’s pre-schools, nursery schools, and daycare facilities.

“For too long have our youngest South Carolinians been denied the protection of a firearm in the place where they spend some of the most critical times of their lives,” said Governor Haley. “Now parents can be comforted by the sight of a loaded handgun in plain sight when they drop off their most precious cargo for the day.”

Like the law allowing guns in bars, this new law still allows individual business owners to ban weapons from their premises, as long as they post a large sign in plain sight announcing customers of their policy. “Though I can’t imagine why any sane daycare provider would want to advertise that there were no guns on the premises,” admitted Haley. “That’s just asking to be robbed.”

Erin Dando, leader of the South Carolina chapter of the advocacy group Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America was outraged. “Oh great idea,” she said sarcastically. “Let’s just leave loaded guns lying around places where toddlers roam, crawl, explore, and tend to pick things up in their hands simply because they are shiny. I can’t imagine anything could possibly go wrong. Idiots.”

South Carolina’s two pro-gun laws could soon be joined by others granting even more freedom for gun rights activists. At the signing ceremony, Governor Haley announced that she supports another bill currently under consideration by lawmakers that would completely eliminate all permitting, fees and training requirements for carrying weapons.

“You don’t need a permit or the proper training to walk down the street and chew gum,” she said. “Why should you need them to carry a gun?”

The Republican-controlled legislature is also considering a bill which would grant all guns the right to vote.


Smith & Wesson to Close Toy Gun Division: “Didn’t Catch On”

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — In an announcement that shocked children and irresponsible parents throughout the country, Smith & Wesson, America’s most successful manufacturer of guns and gun products, announced the closure of its recently opened toy gun facility in Akron, Ohio. “It just didn’t catch on,” said Smith & Wesson’s CEO, Jeff Winter, who had hoped the gun owners would buy toy guns instead of real guns in an effort to quell America’s firearms addiction.

Winter seemed sad at the division’s low sales, saying that the company’s idea of replacing real guns with toy guns “had faced a few stumbling blocks.” Winter failed to elaborate on what those challenges might have been, but implied that poor craftsmanship may have played a part. “It’s certainly possible that we simply didn’t have the best materials available – or that the toy guns were too orange. We’re not sure, really.”

Gun owners who had spoken out against Smith & Wesson’s original decision to abandon real guns in favor of toy guns seemed relieved that they would be going back to real thing. “It’s not that I didn’t like the toy guns,” said gun enthusiast Jim Murphy. “It’s just that – I don’t know – real guns are…there’s something about them.” Many gun owners were unable to pinpoint why they preferred their real firearms to their fake ones, but felt it had something to do with the “power” or “feel” of a real gun. One man noted that toy guns didn’t fire bullets, and therefore would not stop an intruder. “That always bothered me – the idea that I’d have to pretend to be shooting someone when, in fact, I’d want to actually be shooting someone,” said an anonymous gun owner.


Media Celebrates Record-Breaking 400th Homicide in Chicago with One-Minute Segment

CHICAGO — Earlier this week, 24-hour national news networks spent a cumulative total of one minute and eight seconds discussing the 400th fatal shooting of a Chicago resident in 2012.

The murder of Jose Escobar, 25, breaks the Chicago record for most homicides within the first three-quarters of a year and represents a 25% increase in gun violence from 2011. Such an incident would likely spark discussions on gun control and the socioeconomic foundations of violence if American news networks did not yield all of their time to political spin and a wide range of irrelevant minutiae half-assedly disguised as news.

While the media contributed most of its coverage to the impending presidential election, FOX News Network broke the mold on Monday. In between a segment on Joe Biden’s latest gaffe and a fluff piece on pets that look their owners, Gretchen Carlson of “Fox & Friends” called for a moment of silence in honor of Jose Escobar, whose first name Carlson mispronounced as Josie.
After 13 seconds of feigned introspection, Carlson called the moment to a close.

The broadcast prompted Ed Schultz of MSNBC to later air the clip from Fox as a segue, accusing the network of using the moment of silence to fill time left over by their refusal to discuss the voting fraud committed by Florida Republicans. CNN’s Anderson Cooper cited the murder a few days later while countering a guest’s claim that Obama’s number one legislative ambition is to outlaw civilian access to firearms.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel commended the media for calling a minimal amount of attention to his city’s struggles with gun and youth violence, thereby avoiding any serious examination needed to break the tragic cycle.