Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Worst Dressed Nominee

Horoscope

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: You’re on your own this week, because your guardian, Mars, is in the House of Pancakes. Love: That girl you’ll meet online? That girl to whom you’ll send a picture of your dick?  “She” is a morally ambiguous, morbidly obese IT guy from Minot. Career: Good news is delayed when your boss realizes he doesn’t have…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Suck It Up, Buttercup

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Mars is straight up messin’ with you, bro. Love: Don’t fall asleep during sex unless you’re playing “Doctor and Narcoleptic.” Career: People still won’t know you’re the Banksy of the office! Money: You will keep better financial records if you retire that abacus. Lucky numbers: 2 beads + 1 bead. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This week:…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Brutally Honest Horoscopes Mama like SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Saturn is in the realm of Pluto and it’s bordering on stalking. Love: Dating an older woman makes you sophisticated. Dating an older, older woman makes you a fetishist. Career: Combine work and social engagements by screwing your assistant on the copy machine. Money: A creative approach could net you more financially. So, walk backwards…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Brutally Honest Horoscopes Hold On to Your Hat SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Mars challenges Venus in your house this week… to a game of Twister! Love: You’re less “Match.com” and more “Adult Friend Finder.” Career: Stop looking for work on Craigslist. You will get murdered. Money: Your financial situation is out of your control, especially if you are in a money-blowing machine at…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Horoscopes You know what you do SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: Dig deep to find what past experiences are holding you back. Once you do, quickly bury them in your subconscious, because, wow, did some weird shit happen to you! Love: If love is like oxygen, this week you will be brain dead. Career: Your boss is going to realize your aren’t sick…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Brutally Honest Horoscopes Brace Yourself SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This year: This is the year you stick to your resolutions! Because you didn’t make any! Love: February is not your love month… June is, so pass out your grade school valentines then; people will think it’s eccentric. And cute. Mostly eccentric. But that can also get you laid.  Then someone can say to her friends,…

Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Horoscope

Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week:  This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom.  Love: The deli guy is in like with you.  Career:  When you find out the woman in the cubicle next to you isn’t pregnant; you will want to apologize for “trying to…