Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Worst Dressed Nominee

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: You’re on your own this week, because your guardian, Mars, is in the House of Pancakes.
Love: That girl you’ll meet online? That girl to whom you’ll send a picture of your dick?  “She” is a morally ambiguous, morbidly obese IT guy from Minot.
Career: Good news is delayed when your boss realizes he doesn’t have any for you.
Money: You’re so broke, your style is more “Downton Shabby.”
Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 9

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Your Florida vacation will be cut short when you realize you have to wear a bathing suit in public.
Love: Get your mind, body and soul ready for love…by waxing EVERYTHING.
Career: It will be embarrassing when you take the company’s “balls to the wall” philosophy too literally. And you’ll have to clean off that wall.
Money: You need to rethink keeping your money in the “Bank of My Mattress.”
Lucky numbers: deez nuts

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Try using your charm for more than just free drinks.
Love: The way to a woman’s heart is not “through the butthole.”
Career: Stop violating the copier.
Money: Don’t measure your self-worth by the amount of money you have. Because then you’re worth nothin’!
Lucky Numbers:  0000

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: You will cease ordering from HSN just so you can talk to someone and do it just for your love of Isaac Mizrahi.
Love: If you love and accept yourself, you’ll feel better that no one can stand you.
Career: Your office is not “Mad Men.” It’s “Sad Men.”
Money: You’re too old to sell candy on the subway for “basketball money.”
Lucky Numbers: 1960

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Don’t get carried away this week; you’ll hurt someone’s back, chub chub!
Love: I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but… she has on a prospector’s hat.
Career: At work, don’t be anti-social. Be Uncle Friendly!
Money: If you pay me $1000, I’ll stop doing awful puns.
Lucky Numbers: I mean it.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Quit telling people you were the sixth N’Sync member.
Love: With a little hope and faith, you’ll have a pretty groovy threesome!!
Career: There’s a 50/50 chance that literally kissing your manager’s ass will pay off.
Money: It’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
Lucky numbers: 50, 50

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You will reach a new level of maturity when you redecorate and throw out that “Certified Muff Diver” diploma.
Love: The waitress at Fridays is going to figure out you’re dating her for cheap wings.
Career: Up your personal power by beating the shit out of your superiors.
Money: You shouldn’t cheat on your taxes if you made less than your deductions.
Lucky numbers: 1099

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You will realize that your dog committed suicide by jumping in front of that car.
Love: Admit it, your romantic vibes are battery powered.
Career: The ability to “make a bong out of anything” is not a skill you should list on a job application.
Money: Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy you sex. You knew that, though…
Lucky Numbers: K-9

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: People are still laughing behind your back because you thought Molly Hatchet was a lady band.
Love: This weekend, you’ll finally quit your lying. You are not a model for blow up dolls.
Career: When you whistle too hard while you work, you will blow out your sphincter.
Money: There’s no disability payment for a blown out sphincter.
Lucky Numbers: 36, 24, 36

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Alex Trebek is not threatening you through the television.
Love: The opposite sex will see you in a better light if the lights are off.
Career: Nothing is beyond your capabilities. Except really hard things.
Money: Your investments suck. $200,000 in a roller disco? Really?
Lucky numbers: Daily double

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: You continue to celebrate the Oscars this week by randomly insulting ethnicities.
Love: You have to stop going up to women and whispering “sweet nothings” in their ears, because that is literally all you’re saying.
Career: You can’t miss work to go to the funeral for Muzak.
Money: Go boldly where you have not gone before, like out of debt.
Lucky numbers:  -5

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Keep to your morals and ethics, as weak as they are.
Love: Take your Low-T pills before you go out; not at the bar.
Career: What you do for a living helps others, no matter how much money you make.  So keep janitor-ing. That puke won’t clean up itself.
Money: Money will follow you if you dress like sexy money!
Lucky Numbers: Hot $20


Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Bitch, I Don’t Know Your Life!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: The Sagittarius moon is occupying your house, but that’s still not a reason to keep living at your parent’s.
Love: You don’t have a taste for the exotic just because you dig black guys.
Career: Don’t suggest your office participate in the run for “that ball cancer” charity.
Money: Your horse won’t come in if you’re at the greyhound track.
Lucky numbers: 23, 24, 25

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Your sharp wit could cut through an elephant’s fart.
Love: Love bites shouldn’t hurt! Ouch! Seriously?!!?
Career: You have a brain for business, but a body for a World of Warcraft addiction.
Money: Spending it like you got it means the Mickey D’s dollar menu for you.
Lucky numbers: 99

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Everyone will agree with you that it’s creepy when Willard Scott calls an old person “attractive.”
Love: Show the ladies your confidence this week; not just your wiener.
Career: You’re less of a shark and more of a remora.
Money: Try a Suze Orman book, because you’re not getting anywhere with, “The Sagat Financial Planner.”
Lucky Numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: I am so sick of telling you what to do. You figure it out! Sorry, sorry. It’s been a hard week.
Love: Your passion is fiery. Your technique is a wet blanket.
Career: Don’t be upset when your boss tells you to jump in a lake. You’re a lifeguard.
Money: Because you are a Pisces, you will see your finances from inside a fishbowl… that hasn’t been cleaned in several months. And all the other fishies are dead.
Lucky Numbers: H20

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Stepping on the scale, you’ll realize that you’re one donut away from a Hoveround.
Love: No one wants to date a guy whose mother recently knitted him an umbilical cord.
Career: When your colleagues ask for unconventional ideas, refrain from suggesting a “whites only” bathroom policy.
Money: Don’t run figures in your head. Choose a bigger space, like a Port-O-Let. And it’s less stinky!
Lucky Numbers: 540 months

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Stop calling yourself, “The Real Housewife of My House.”
Love: Men will think you’re less available if you stop wearing kneepads on the first date.
Career: Resist the urge to dazzle your boss by proving you work magic as a receptionist by asking all clients, “Is this your card?”
Money: Don’t threaten the loan officer.
Lucky numbers:  deuce

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Admit it: you’re not a die-hard liberal; you just want attention.
Love: If you’re unnaturally attached to your lover, call a surgeon.  Unless you two share a kidney.
Career: You will learn that it’s unprofessional to call your boss “squirrel friend.”
Money: Stop bouncing checks! Get lead checks!
Lucky numbers:  2, 2, 2, 2

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: In your Seventh House, Mars will rub up against Uranus. Yeah, I said it.
Love: A man might get confused if you offer him an “all day sucker, but feel free to slap him if he counter offers with a “jawbreaker.”
Career: Step back and look at the big picture of your future. It’s drawn in crayon. What does that tell you?
Money: You finally come to realize the best things in life aren’t free when you get arrested robbing a 7-Eleven. P.S.: A microwavable burrito is not one of “the best things in life.”
Lucky Numbers: 7, 11

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Making peace with someone does not mean baking an ass cake together.
Love: Watch the guys run for the door when you tell them you only want “fur babies.”
Career: Your boss is tired of you missing meetings because of sharts.
Money: The teller won’t understand when you say you have “my mind on the money and the money on my mind.” She’s 80.
Lucky Numbers: Fiddy thousand

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Your creative juices will be flowing.
Love: Fix the bruise to your ego with some brews for your ego. Ha!
Career: Everyone will think you’re an idiot when you admit you thought the Catskills meant a cat can do Excel.
Money: “Greenbacks” is not a racial slur against your cash.
Lucky numbers:  49, 36, 28, hike!

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: No one cares who your favorite Golden Girl is.
Love: The ladies think that what you wrote is more like the Cliff’s Notes on The Book of Love.
Career: You are dealing with slippery characters at work, especially on “Girls Wrestling In Oil” night.
Money: Worry more about where your next check is coming from, because the last one came out of your butt. That’s weird.
Lucky numbers: Rose and Blanche

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You will figure out your astrologer is a hack when you realize your custom birth chart is a drawing of a planet coming out of a stick figure’s vagina.
Love: Introducing yourself in Klingon at the club = jerking off to Seven of Nine at home.
Career: You don’t get a gold watch for 25 years at KFC. You do get free Lil’ Bucket parfaits!!
Money: Try being flexible with your money by bringing it to yoga.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 9, tissue


Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Suck It Up, Buttercup

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars is straight up messin’ with you, bro.
Love: Don’t fall asleep during sex unless you’re playing “Doctor and Narcoleptic.”
Career: People still won’t know you’re the Banksy of the office!
Money: You will keep better financial records if you retire that abacus.
Lucky numbers: 2 beads + 1 bead.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: There’s celestial energy at play in your spiritual house!
Love: Enjoy a romantic evening alone with yourself. Masturbate by candlelight.
Career: Wait to fully hear out others’ ideas, and then shut them down.
Money: The only credit anyone is going to give you for is admitting you’re useless with money.
Lucky numbers: 1.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Your personal possessions are getting out of control.  Let those women out of the basement.
Love: You’re not God’s gift to women, you’re God’s gag gift to women.
Career: Make damn sure that’s his brother and not his wife in that picture on your boss’s desk.
Money: You’re not a leprechaun and you don’t shit gold, so…
Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 0.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: “Animal Planet” is not a drug of choice.
Love: It’s not stalking if you really, really, really, really love them and if you were really, really molested.
Career: Take a risk Tuesday. Look at your co-worker’s dick while you’re both at the urinals. Then wink and nod. Then file for unemployment.
Money: You’ll have cold, hard cash if you stick your money in the freezer.
Lucky Numbers: 0, 00, 000, 0000.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: There’s no app for apathy.
Love: Put some “oomph” back into your sex life by saying “oomph” a bunch the next time you’re having sex.
Career: When your boss admires your energy, tell him it’s your excitement about the job; then laugh and say, “No, it’s the coke!”
Money: Retail therapy is how you end up at Super Target at 3am, riding a Jazzy and loading up on office supplies and underwear. Try real therapy.
Lucky Numbers:  3.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Get some creative writing done over the weekend by breaking off the “t” key on your laptop.
Love: The safe word is “awesome guac.”
Career: You’ll feel freer after you get some things off your chest at work, because you’ll get fired.
Money: Nothing costs two bits anymore.
Lucky numbers: 2, 5.

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: It’s admirable that you keep your word. But, ewwwwww, your word is “moist.”
Love: Don’t take a wicked poop right before your invite someone into the potty to join the “Mile High Club”…also, don’t invite someone into the “potty.”
Career: It’s okay to drool over the prospect of a promotion, but not on your boss’s desk.
Money: End your money woes; stop saying “Whoa!” whenever you overdraw.
Lucky numbers: 35,000 feet.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You can’t be a one-person flash mob.
Love: No one wants to give a rim job to a man who just ate Buffalo wings.
Career: You were supposed to short shrift your colleagues, not short sheet them.
Money: Be positive about your finances by saying “I LOVE being broke!”
Lucky Numbers: ½.

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: When the going gets tough, you pussy out. What’s up with that?
Love: Stop treating your trysts like Sesame Street. Your penis is not a “woot woot” and her vagina is not a “bippy.
Career: That BFA makes a good placemat, huh?
Money: The loan shark does not think it’s amusing that you say his threats don’t “make cents.”
Lucky Numbers:  Broken fingers.

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You go beyond acting rashly sometimes; you get downright shingly.
Love: It doesn’t sound any better to say you’ve had “the mouth herpes.”
Career: Before you become super ambitious, make sure you really want to be head dishwasher….
Money: Being head dishwasher doesn’t mean you can launder money.
Lucky numbers:  4,0,9.

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: You’re not a doomsday prepper just because you have 300 cans of chili.
Love: A home-cooked meal for your new love should not include just chili.
Career: It’s ironic that you work at…Chili’s.
Money: Really, we need to focus on your chili obsession…so, stop spending your money on chili. Your house smells like a fart.
Lucky numbers: Please get help.

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Venus creates an impact by ramming its Prius into your font window.
Love: Having a heart to heart doesn’t mean you get to smush up against her boobs.
Career: You’re not going to have a strong 401K if you keep dog walking.
Money: Your account is more overdrawn than an Etch-A-Sketch.
Lucky Numbers: 401K.


Brutally Honest Horoscopes- This Ain’t Your Daddy’s Horoscope

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars is right outside your house, ringing your door and leaving a bag of flaming poo.
Love: “Just drinks” is not a precursor to “baby making.”
Career:  It’s great that you got your degree online. It’s a little sad that you got it in “Unclogging Terlets.”
Money: Money is honey, and you’re a drone.
Lucky numbers: 3

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: If the world were Ace Hardware, you’d be the biggest tool.
Love: You won’t impress a younger woman by saying you want to record sex and then pulling out a cassette tape deck.
Career: Jupiter is coming out of retrograde transit and you have to figure out what means, because I’m not gonna tell you. Ha ha!
Money: Get to the bottom of your financial situation by smashing open your piggy bank.
Lucky numbers: 29

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Don’t make eye contact with the fat guy and maybe he won’t sit next to you on the plane.
Love: Comic-Con is a candy store for you. Go ahead, screw that skinny Spiderman wearing a Sailor Moon backpack!
Career: You will lose your job as a bikini waxer when you give a woman an isosceles triangle.
Money: Take a risk with your money by skydiving in a suit made of cash.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 4, 7

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: Your vinyl records aren’t a part of your identity.
Love: No guy’s going to believe that stripper pole in your in living room is a “vertical ballet bar.”
Career: You should be doing something you love. Go gay for pay.
Money: Make surecharge more than $20 when you do. This is your BUTT we’re talking about.
Lucky Numbers: Benjamin’s

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: People still can’t forgive your “I had a dream, and it involved my teeth falling out…what does THAT mean?” Speech on MLK Day.
Love: You may not find love on Christian, but you may get free communion wine!
Career: Your boss will be upset when he sees your browser history is all about finding animals dressed as other animals.
Money: Change is good, but not when it’s sticky. Ew.
Lucky Numbers: 1,5, 10, 25

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: You’re too old to watch Nickelodeon.
Love: Those clown figurines are definitely a romantic deterrent.
Career: They aren’t going to give you a patent for a “Bullshit Detector.”
Money: Spend cash to make cash. Buy a counterfeiting operation!
Lucky numbers: Over 40

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You’re just about at the age where you can’t audition for “American Idol” anymore. Move on.
Love: Your OCD goes to new heights when you try to align that lady’s boobs.
Career: Stop talking about “Dilbert.”
Money: You have a head for money and a body for laughs.
Lucky numbers: 21!

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You’re always mugging for the camera. It’s annoying.
Love: She’s going to dump you when your anniversary present is a gift certificate for “5 Free Hugs.”
Career: Your job is getting better than you think; that could mean fewer beatings!
Money: For your tax return this year: Just because he wears a tie and is cheap doesn’t mean you have to use the guy on the corner who calls himself “Filey G. Taxman.”
Lucky Numbers: 1040

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: It’s weird that your Astrology sign is “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.”
Love: Stop jerking off in the gym shower, or at least wait until they get individual stalls…
Career: Right now, the only job you qualify for is prison snitch…
Money: … but getting paid in cigarettes is better than getting paid in toilet wine!
Lucky Numbers: 13

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You will exemplify bad taste when you photo bomb at a funeral.
Love: You will exemplify MORE bad taste when you hit on the widow.
Career: You may be the worst funeral director EVER.
Money: Stop stealing the coins off the corpses’ eyes.
Lucky numbers: You’re awful.

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week:  Your dog does not have a blog. But your cat is on Twitter.
Love: Be careful, the state of your relationship is Alabama.
Career: Don’t suggest “Gogurt Day.”
Money:  The casino will ban you from the blackjack tables when you count cards out loud.
Lucky numbers: K-9

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Let your freak flag fly, unless it’s Iran’s.
Love: A cock ring is not for engagements.
Career:  Keeping your ear to the ground will just let people step on your head.
Money: You’re not going to amass a fortune making pantsuits for stuffed hamsters.
Lucky Numbers: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0ƒf


Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Mama like

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Saturn is in the realm of Pluto and it’s bordering on stalking.
Love: Dating an older woman makes you sophisticated. Dating an older, older woman makes you a fetishist.
Career: Combine work and social engagements by screwing your assistant on the copy machine.
Money: A creative approach could net you more financially. So, walk backwards into the bank.
Lucky numbers: 88

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Don’t go out with your hair looking like that.
Love: Be honest with your partner, except about her weight.
Career: Don’t describe your career goals as “Manson-esque.
Money: You can’t double your money by tearing it in half.
Lucky numbers: 1, 9, 6, 9

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: No matter how busy you are, take time to stop and smell… your pits. NOW do you get why no one likes you?
Love: Your ex was right, you are nothing without him.
Career: When asked what sex you are on a job application, don’t write “dirty”.
Money: Take control of your money by putting a ball gag it its mouth.
Lucky Numbers: Big fat zero

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: On your trip to the zoo, you will finally understand why cheetahs never win.
Love: You will change your online dating profile from “Single” to “Desperate.”
Career: Work with people that compliment you, like the guy at Subway who calls you “Nice laaaaaaady!”
Money: The stars indicate money in your future.  But they’re D-List stars, so, um, it’s, like five bucks.
Lucky Numbers: 1 (the loneliest number that you’ll ever know)

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You can have it all… if all is nothing.
Love: A slap is guaranteed when you ask a lady to watch her “Downton Abby..
Career: You will finally change your dream job from “Pedophile Clown” to “Pedophile Accountant..
Money: Your million-dollar décor is 99-cent store shitty.
Lucky Numbers: Whatever’s your birthday. I don’t know.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Home environment is important, unless you live in a box. Then, fuck it, smoke meth.
Love: No one wants to go to the garden party in your pants.
Career: It’s gonna creep out your boss when you refer to your promotion as “crowning.”
Money: The amount of TP you buy at Costco doesn’t make you look like you’re saving money. It makes you look like you have chronic diarrhea.
Lucky numbers: 9.95

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Love: Stop blowing guys first, THEN expecting a kiss.
Career: Even though it’s called “casual Friday,” no one wants to see you in a banana hammock.
Money: Did you REALLY need new boobs? I mean, dude
Lucky numbers: 64cc

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: There is a renewed energy that surrounds you. Unfortunately, it’s powered by crack.
Love: Affection comes easily when you’re drunk. So, drink up, you cold-hearted bastard.
Career: Stop talking to everyone in the office through your iPhone mustache app.
Money: If you sell your body for money, you’ll make many dollar…
Lucky Numbers: 1, 0, 0

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: WHY do you fart so much?!!?
Love: A motorboat is something you buy, not something you do.
Career: Think of the pros and cons of swindling the company… mostly the cons, because they’ll rape you in prison.
Money: There are certain things on which you shouldn’t skimp, like piercing your nips.
Lucky Numbers: 2-10

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You are a driven person. Stop making your Mom chauffeur you around!
Love: He’ll run for the door when you cook him dinner in your Easy Bake Oven.
Career: Don’t mention “that one abortion” in your interview.
Money: Dream of becoming a big spender! Then wake up and cry.
Lucky numbers: 9

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: A pint of Ben and Jerry’s is not one serving.
Love: You will stumble on the way to finding love, falling into someone’s vagina.
Career: Take pride in your work. You’re the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Money: You won’t get a raise for being the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Lucky numbers: 7, 25

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You’ll get kicked out of the theatre for laughing at Naomi Watts’ bloody booby in “The Impossible.”
Love: It’s a sign to get out more when moths fly out of your lingerie drawer.
Career: On the bright side, you get a corporate discount. On the dark side, you sell enema bags.
Money: Keep budgeting fun! Use crayons to balance your checkbook.
Lucky Numbers: 50% off!


Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Hold On to Your Hat

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars challenges Venus in your house this week… to a game of Twister!
Love: You’re less “” and more “Adult Friend Finder.”
Career: Stop looking for work on Craigslist. You will get murdered.
Money: Your financial situation is out of your control, especially if you are in a money-blowing machine at the opening of the new mall.
Lucky numbers: $5… if you catch it!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: You will accept your age when a sales girl at Urban Outfitters asks you to leave.
Love: A chance meeting could lead to romance. Give that bum a kiss instead of a quarter!
Career: Stop calling the cafeteria lady “the lunch of your life”.
Money: Money changes everything. Except getting really, really laid.
Lucky numbers: 44

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: You will buy longer workout shorts when you realize they can’t blur out your balls in real life like they do on TV. BRAIN!
Love: Don’t reveal your “Bon Jovi” tramp stamp until you absolutely have to.
Career: Build up relationships at work, then tear them down when you become boss.
Money: You are in the seventh house of money, which is the eighth house of broke.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 8

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: When you compare yourself to a lotus flower, remember they grow in the mud…
Love: Print up fliers that have your face and phone number and the words, “Missing: The Love of My  Life.” You’re bound to get at least one “Awwwwww.” And a b’jowski!
Career: You’ll get more done if you take 5 Hour Energy at the beginning of the day. Not at 4:30.
Money: It’s a waste of time to make a budget when you’re broke. Choose something less challenging, like building a house of cards on a hot, humid day.
Lucky Numbers: 52 pick up

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You involve yourself in too much drama, especially at the multiplex. Shut! Up!
Love: Don’t use your intuition when looking for a mate. Remember Crackhead Harvey? You were “So sure” about Crackhead Harvey.
Career: If asked “Working hard or hardly workin?,” the answer is “Yes”… when you’re a security guard at Target.
Money: In real life Monopoly, you are the thimble.
Lucky Numbers: None. Go directly to jail.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: You’re not going to get a puppy with that attitude.
Love: Speed dating does not mean you get hopped up on crank and grab boobies until the bell rings.
Career: After the age of eighteen, you shouldn’t work as a big head cartoon character. You’re a forty-five year old Yogi The Bear. That’s sad, man.
Money:  Your patience will pay off, but in experience and emotional satisfaction.  Sucker!
Lucky numbers: 1,000,000

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Saturn in retrograde sends you on a surprising journey… to Seattle. Did I say it was a fun journey? No. I didn’t. So suck it up.
Love: No one likes being slapped in the face with a penis.
Career: Don’t ask your boss if his wife is the Mayor of Cougartown.
Money: Your life savings will be wasted on your investment in “meggings.”
Lucky numbers: 6½

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You invite stress where it isn’t welcome, like Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Love: Don’t tell the ladies you work with Tim Burton and then offer to show them your “Frankenweenie.”
Career: You will meet interesting people in your industry. Then again, you are a pimp.
Money: If life gives you lemons, bully the shit out of it until it gives you cash.
Lucky Numbers: Retirement

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: You don’t see things in black and white, you see them colorized, which ruins the movie.
Love: Your 36DD’d aren’t “Golden Globes.”
Career: In next week’s board meeting, your input should be more than “That’s retarded”.
Money: There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations. But you really shouldn’t.
Lucky Numbers: 10-1

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Don’t tell people how to get to Sesame Street.
Love: Your current spouse will not want to help you “find the next one.”
Career: Good things come to those who wait… and those who steal ideas.
Money:  Creativity can expand your bank account. PS: Mail fraud is not creative.
Lucky numbers: 2

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: That jester hat makes you look like a douchebag.
Love: You will discover your regrettable porn name is “Binky 14th Street.”
Career: Wait to hear the reason you get canned, instead of offering, “Is it because I goosed the intern?”
Money: You will make a lot of dough when you star in “Binky 14th Street Does Everyone.”  It’s good that you’re flexible. Seriously. Makes a reach-around a lot easier.
Lucky numbers: 69

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: If you’re running yourself into the ground, get a treadmill, silly!
Love: Your expectations are too high. Date a dwarf.
Career: Don’t quit your job just because you entered the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; that gives you a one in one chance of being an idiot.
Money: You’re not so broke that you have to negotiate the price of a munchkin at the Dunkin Donuts.
Lucky Numbers: a baker’s dozen


Brutally Honest Horoscopes

You know what you do

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Dig deep to find what past experiences are holding you back. Once you do, quickly bury them in your subconscious, because, wow, did some weird shit happen to you!
Love: If love is like oxygen, this week you will be brain dead.
Career: Your boss is going to realize your aren’t sick when he sees you in the crowd on “The Today Show” holding an “I Heart Kathie Lee” sign.
Money: Frugality is not self-denial. It’s completely joyless self-denial.
Lucky numbers: CO2

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: You just stepped in poop.
Love: You will bring joy to your family when you tell them you have a girlfriend.You will bring shame to your family when you tell them her name is “Rosie Palms.”
Career: Don’t date someone in the office, take them out for a nice dinner instead!
Money:  Invest and consult with a professional. Prostitute.
Lucky numbers:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: You can’t have nice things because you ruined Christmas.
Love: Stop calling her. When the phone rings and doesn’t go straight to voice mail, it means she knows you’re calling. She isn’t answering on purpose. You’re pathetic.
Career: Don’t ruffle your boss’ feathers, even though he acts like a big cock.
Money: Shopping at The Sharper Image does not give you a sharper image.
Lucky Numbers: 311

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: You will have less drama in your life if you take off the Kabuki makeup.
Love: It is not sexy when you grab your crotch and say it is “the home of the Whopper”.
Career: When it comes to office gossip, the janitor is a reliable source. Psssssst, he “knows things”.
Money: You don’t need that “in every color.” It’s a vibrator.
Lucky Numbers: 49.99

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You are meeting your resolutions so far, but your resolutions were to sit on your ass all day, watch “Judge Alex,” and masturbate.
Love: Try to keep the scales of love more balanced. Right now, you’re a 98-pound weakling.
Career: An online education will not net you a real life job.
Money: Don’t throw change at the strippers.
Lucky Numbers: .25

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Share and share alike. Hoard and end up on a reality show.
Love: A three-way isn’t a three-way when one person is a blow-up doll.
Career: Don’t try to have a brainstorming session with your boss while at the urinal.
Money: An emergency fund shouldn’t include Funyuns.
Lucky numbers: 3

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You have friends in high places, especially now that weed is legal.
Love: No decent woman wants to watch you take your “You Tube” out of your pants.
Career: Lose your tough guy attitude around the office. You can’t be a bad-ass wearing a pocket protector.
Money: Keep your deficits emotional by buying more useless crap and flaunting it in front of the homeless.
Lucky numbers: 2,000,000,000

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: Don’t throw away important mementos from your childhood, or no one will ever know you existed.
Love: You and your boo boo honey will reach rough waters when you try to do it in the bathtub.
Career: Don’t let success go to your head just because you now have “printer privileges.”
Money: You aren’t saving money on cable by watching your neighbors’ television from their fire escape. And now that money will have to go towards bail.
Lucky Numbers:  10-12

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Please stop hugging strangers.
Love:  You’re not a member of Weight Watchers just because you stalk fat chicks.
Career: Soften your demeanor at work by wearing marshmallow shoes! Wheeeeeee!
Money: Do a financial makeover by drawing eyelashes on George Washington’s dollar face.
Lucky Numbers: A buck

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Things are looking up this year. Then again, everyone you know died last year.
Career: Do not suggest Carol be “the office masseuse.”
Love: Marry Carol, she gives great massages.
Money: Income will rise this year, mostly because you were unemployed last year.
Lucky numbers: 1099

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: Take everything with a grain of salt. Then loosen the tops on all the shakers.
Love: You are not in love with your psychiatrist. But he’s in love with you! Awwwww!
Career: Advancement is yours because you saw your superior kill that guy!
Money: Your new plan of exploiting the Amish will net many riches. Paid in goat cheese.
Lucky numbers: 5150

SCORPIO:  (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You don’t give things up “for lentils.”
Love: Laughing at ass jokes is really immature.
Career: Laughing at your boss’ ass jokes is really smart.
Money: This week, your financial situation is solely under the house of Uranus. Heh heh. Your anus.
Lucky Numbers: Butthole Heh heh.


Brutally Honest Horoscopes

Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Brace Yourself

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This year: This is the year you stick to your resolutions! Because you didn’t make any! Love: February is not your love month… June is, so pass out your grade school valentines then; people will think it’s eccentric. And cute. Mostly eccentric. But that can also get you laid.  Then someone can say to her friends, “Hey, remember that weirdo passing out kids’ valentines last night?  Fucked him!” Career: In the spring, it’s time to ask for that raise, right after you’ve finished wiping off those plastic trays. Go on, add another quarter to that minimum wage! Money: All months will be money months. You won’t have any… from month to month. Lucky numbers:  2, 4, 6, 8, 10

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This year: This year, your biggest spiritual quest will be for better Mexican food. You partner’s will be for fart-free sleepy time. Love: May old acquaintances be forgotten… and the losers you’ll hook up with in 2013. Career: You aren’t allowed to take a sick day because “Disney bought Star Wars”. Money: February is your month, when you can enjoy the good life, which, luckily for you, means 39 cent wings and 99 cent draft. Lucky numbers: 39, 99 (duh)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This year: Keeping your eyes on the prize, you will get into an accident because you weren’t watching the road, dummy! Love: You will lose points with the ladies for saying you’re into “Food Porn”. Career: This year is the year you finally realize how very disliked you are at work. All because you voted for the Green Party candidate. Money: In January, you will have to make a rash decision about whether or not to buy cream for your rash. Lucky Numbers: $36.00 (or $7 if you have insurance)

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This year: This year, you will take a good look at what you’ve achieved and where you are. Especially when you make your third trip to the buffet at Ryan’s Steakhouse. Love: Stay home when performing your June “detox” cleanse.  Body odor, farts and crying hysterically are not an attractive combination. Career: Keep to yourself that you consider yourself “the Hobbit” and your co-workers “Orcs”. Money: Despite your struggle with finances, you will stop buying your underwear at Goodwill in July after a particularly… um… itchy June. Lucky Numbers: 1977

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This year:  You’ll make your own luck, out of paper mache!  You crafty, crafty, sad person… Love: April is your love month; someone will get you straight through the heart. No, seriously. Put 911 on your speed dial. Career:  Whistle while you work, just not songs by New Kids On The Block. Money: Your bills are paid on time and your finances are in perfect order, mostly because you have nothing else to do. Lucky Numbers: 4

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This year: Realize this year that you are constantly changing and your clothing should reflect that. So buy a bigger size, please. You have front-butt. Love: Not a lot going on this year, but your stalker will start leaving nicer flowers and less violent notes! Career: You will not get that prospective job in May when you say the boardroom looks like “a real fuck buddy kind of place”. Money: You will make a surprising profit when you auction off your collection of Fonzie dolls. Lucky numbers: 1955

GEMINI:  (May 21-June 20)
This year: You set yourself apart from the pack by changing your religion to “Awesome Possum”. Love: Cupid is in your house this fall, so get an alarm system. He steals things. Career: In the middle of May, you will be more confident; then lose that confidence when you discover you left behind a gift in the toilet and your new nickname is “Buttbean Joe”. Money: In April, don’t be surprised that your can’t write off your subscription to “High Times”. Lucky numbers: 420

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This year: In your many journeys through this life, skip Ohio. Love: In March, your sign sends romance to you and the person with whom you are most aligned. Kiss that guy standing next to you in the checkout line. Career: Stop selling your Adderall to friends. It’s not a job. Money: Hold onto that drug deal money; you will need it for the prison commissary. Lucky Numbers: 25mg

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This year: Saturn will enter your house in February; won’t leave until September. Also, eats all of your food and jerks off in your bed when you go to work. Love: Love this year will be intense…ly lonely for you. Career: If you want to know why your cubicle faces the corner: breathe into your hand. Money:  Buy mints in January. Lucky Numbers: 1

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This year: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sing and you clear the room. Career:  It’s time to reset your career goals to include actual goals. You will never be “King of the World”. Love: It’s time to let go of old, destructive relationship patterns and get new, destructive relationship patterns. Money: You may get more sympathy from your creditors if you give them cookies… while blowing them. Lucky numbers: zero

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This year:  Your new moon will appear in November, after you gorge on turkey. It’s gonna be a big moon. If you don’t get it, I’m talking about your ass.  Your big… fat… ass. Love: Telling your date she can have “anything from the dollar menu” = end of date. Career:  It’s important to stay flexible at work.  Right now, you can barely touch your toes. Money:  You will not get a financial boost by holding up your bank. Lucky numbers:  7-10

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This year: Taurus is flying through Venus’s legs at the beginning of the year and your solar chart will give you melanoma if you don’t wear sunscreen. Love: The amount of activity in your love life will cause the neighbors to call the cops. You’re dirty! Career: Despite your best efforts, your beer belly will not qualify you for maternity leave. Money: You will find discomfort in the summer when you try to save money with a “Sleep Numero Bed” from Chi Chi’s Discount Mattresses and Notary. Lucky Numbers: 2 pesos