Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

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WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues. “Instead…

Gun Group Greets New Residents; Arms Them


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PINELLAS, Fla. — A group of friendly gun owners living in the gated community of Kenilworth Estates have formed a committee that welcomes new neighbors to the development with a gift basket that contains local maps, coupons to nearby restaurants, and semi-automatic weapons. The program, called the Welcome Magnum Committee, has proven quite popular, and has been gaining attention nationally. “The name…