Three Cleveland Women Freed from Captivity, Immediately Imprisoned by the Media

CLEVELAND — The three Cleveland women who on Monday were finally freed from ten years of brutal captivity—during which they were confined to their kidnapper’s home and subjected to abuse and rape—have once again found themselves imprisoned, this time by the combined forces of the national media. Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight—who were all in their teens or early twenties…

Amanda Knox Memoir Really Just Vivid Travelogue on Italian Restaurants

Amanda Knox

NEW YORK – True-crime fans have been surprised to discover that, contrary to expectations, the new memoir from convicted-and-then-acquitted murderer Amanda Knox is naught but a series of eloquent rhapsodies and condemnations of the finest dining establishments in Italy. “Waiting to Be Heard” apparently takes its name from a particularly memorable and loud experience in a bustling grotto in Naples, where the…

Obama Admits He’s Confused over What Guantanamo Bay Actually Is

Guantanamo Bay

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama again reiterated his desire to close the Guantanamo Bay military facility in Cuba, his comments coinciding with a massive hunger strike occurring at the base. “I don’t want these individuals to die,” Obama said in reference to the striking inmates. “We’re trying to fix this situation the best we can. But I think all of us should reflect…

Hoping for a Little Attention, Syrian Citizens Threaten to Nuke the U.S.

ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous, hyperbolic provocations might get them a little attention. “We’re gonna get you, America,” a statement released by the group reads in part. “Your cities will become smoldering piles of ash and whatnot.”…

Guantanamo Bay Detainees Pretty Sure They’ll be Released Any Day Now

guantanamo

WASHINGTON– Following President Obama’s inauguration ceremony on Monday, the 166 detainees currently being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp issued a statement saying they anticipate being released “pretty much any day now.” Obama has decried Guantanamo as a “sad chapter in American history” and repeatedly vowed to close the facility, but as of today it still remains open. “We understand that the…

America Unfazed By New Mexico Semen Attack

distraction

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — In a stunning turn of events, the American people appear to be completely unfazed by the fact that a New Mexico man threw semen at two women in a Walmart last month – a crime many concede would have generated media coverage and sparked public outrage in years past. The assault, believed to be the first to feature a…

Public Shocked to Discover Hadiya Pendleton’s Murder Wasn’t at all Unusual

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – The American public is reacting with “shock” and “bewilderment” to reports that the murder of Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton was not a “rare, once or twice a decade” occurrence. The 15-year-old honor student—who only a week earlier sang at President Obama’s inauguration—was shot and killed January 29 in Chicago’s Hyde Park, and millions of Americans are…

Lakers’ Gasol Tears Plantar Fascia, World Peace Exposes D’Antoni as Mastermind

sports network tv

LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed by head coach and Gasol nemesis, Mike D’Antoni. Newslo conducted an exclusive interview with Lakers’ forward, Metta World Peace yesterday afternoon over biscuits and bourbon regarding the onset and exponential worsening of…

Owners of New Blackberry 10 Dislike “Dependency, Clinginess” Feature

WATERLOO, Ontario — At a recent product launch, Thorsten Heins, CEO of the struggling company Blackberry, unveiled the new Blackberry10 smartphone, which comes equipped with pre-installed apps that beg consumers to purchase the product, then burdens them with crippling addiction. “Come on – buy me – please!” pleads the new phone. “What do I gotta do? I’ve got the latest everything. Maps.…