So Onyango Okech Obama was dumbfounded when he received a curt request from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to “politely self-deport back to Kenya so as not to create yet another headache for B.O.”
Family Research Council President Tony Perkins on Monday argued that companies should have the religious freedom to deny contraception coverage for women because “that’s why the Pilgrims came here.”
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Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday night that President Barack Obama had not done enough to justify an attack on Syria.
“Every now and then, there may be a mistake,” said Cole. “Maybe one here, two or three thousand there. The mistakes aren’t really illegal because, between you and me, the laws don’t really apply to the NSA.”
“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”
TUNIS, Tunisia — “We’ll, I’m sorry that we don’t have al-Qaeda operatives running around the country and that we aren’t brutally suppressing our own citizens,” said Tunisian President Moncef Marzouki. “But I don’t think it is too much to ask for one CNN reporter to stop by every so often.” Tunisia was the birthplace of the Arab Spring, but many of its…
CLEVELAND — The three Cleveland women who on Monday were finally freed from ten years of brutal captivity—during which they were confined to their kidnapper’s home and subjected to abuse and rape—have once again found themselves imprisoned, this time by the combined forces of the national media. Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight—who were all in their teens or early twenties…
NEW YORK – True-crime fans have been surprised to discover that, contrary to expectations, the new memoir from convicted-and-then-acquitted murderer Amanda Knox is naught but a series of eloquent rhapsodies and condemnations of the finest dining establishments in Italy. “Waiting to Be Heard” apparently takes its name from a particularly memorable and loud experience in a bustling grotto in Naples, where the…
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama again reiterated his desire to close the Guantanamo Bay military facility in Cuba, his comments coinciding with a massive hunger strike occurring at the base. “I don’t want these individuals to die,” Obama said in reference to the striking inmates. “We’re trying to fix this situation the best we can. But I think all of us should reflect…
WASHINGTON — The Internal Revenue Service reported that an estimated 75 million Americans applied to extend the deadline for filing their 2012 income tax return, up 20% from last year. Tax experts attributed the increase to “more Americans needing extra time to figure out how to maximally cheat on their returns.” Said Max Ingress, a Washington, DC-based CPA: “As the economy started…
ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous, hyperbolic provocations might get them a little attention. “We’re gonna get you, America,” a statement released by the group reads in part. “Your cities will become smoldering piles of ash and whatnot.”…
VATICAN CITY — Last month’s election of Pope Francis, a celebrated advocate for the poor in his native Argentina, has been met with acclaim by those hoping for change in the Roman Catholic Church. And now, following a visit to a youth detention center during which he washed the feet of two young women, progressive Catholics are viewing his open display of foot-fetishism…
WASHINGTON– Following President Obama’s inauguration ceremony on Monday, the 166 detainees currently being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp issued a statement saying they anticipate being released “pretty much any day now.” Obama has decried Guantanamo as a “sad chapter in American history” and repeatedly vowed to close the facility, but as of today it still remains open. “We understand that the…
NEW YORK — New York City Comptroller John Liu has announced his intention to run for mayor of New York City. Liu, mistaking New York for Detroit, started his campaign stating, “I know how to launder money as well as any candidate out there—you can see that by looking at my campaign donor log.” “That’s why, as the next mayor of Detroit,…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — In a stunning turn of events, the American people appear to be completely unfazed by the fact that a New Mexico man threw semen at two women in a Walmart last month – a crime many concede would have generated media coverage and sparked public outrage in years past. The assault, believed to be the first to feature a…
WILMINGTON, Del. – The board of the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant has forced the resignation of Miss Teen Delaware, Melissa King, after it was revealed that Ms. King willingly partook in a pornographic internet video that exploited her attractiveness without their approval. After word of the video, in which the legally adult Ms. King has consensual sex with an adult partner,…
RIDEGFIELD, Conn. — Big-time Hollywood director Jonathan Bucari has announced plans to memorialize the victims of the December 14 tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, in the time-honored tradition of being the first to attempt to cash in on the catastrophe and make a film. “I would hate for this tragic event to fade into history and be forgotten,” said Bucari. “By making a…
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – The American public is reacting with “shock” and “bewilderment” to reports that the murder of Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton was not a “rare, once or twice a decade” occurrence. The 15-year-old honor student—who only a week earlier sang at President Obama’s inauguration—was shot and killed January 29 in Chicago’s Hyde Park, and millions of Americans are…
LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed by head coach and Gasol nemesis, Mike D’Antoni. Newslo conducted an exclusive interview with Lakers’ forward, Metta World Peace yesterday afternoon over biscuits and bourbon regarding the onset and exponential worsening of…
WATERLOO, Ontario — At a recent product launch, Thorsten Heins, CEO of the struggling company Blackberry, unveiled the new Blackberry10 smartphone, which comes equipped with pre-installed apps that beg consumers to purchase the product, then burdens them with crippling addiction. “Come on – buy me – please!” pleads the new phone. “What do I gotta do? I’ve got the latest everything. Maps.…
WASHINGTON — Hoping to no longer be known as “The Stupid Party,” a majority of Republicans believe the GOP needs to reshape its image so that it can instead be known as the “Really, Really Stupid Party.” Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal made an issue of the party’s stupidity recently, particularly with many of its statements and positions in the last year. Energized…
NEW ORLEANS — The Baltimore Ravens beat out the San Francisco 49ers 34-31 on Sunday to take home their first Super Bowl title in thirteen years. Incredibly, the game also marked the 47th consecutive time the team that had spent the most time in prayer took home the Lombardi Trophy. “The 49ers were great competitors, but we know that preparation, talent, and…
NEW YORK — Get ready New York City because the NYPD may be frisking you and invading your privacy without you even knowing it. With the help of new infrared scanning technology, New York City Police Officers are now able to routinely search a person’s pockets without their knowledge or permission from the comfort of their patrol car, coffee shop, or massage…