humor and satire

Obama Secretly Asked Kenyan Uncle to Self-Deport

So Onyango Okech Obama was dumbfounded when he received a curt request from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to “politely self-deport back to Kenya so as not to create yet another headache for B.O.”

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#NNTS: Tony Perkins wants the ‘liberty’ to deny birth control: ‘That’s why the Pilgrims came here’

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins on Monday argued that companies should have the religious freedom to deny contraception coverage for women because “that’s why the Pilgrims came here.”

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Video: Gay Women Will Marry Your Boyfriends

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Rumsfeld: Obama hasn’t justified Syria attack

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday night that President Barack Obama had not done enough to justify an attack on Syria.

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NSA Advises Privacy Rules ‘More Like Suggestions’

“Every now and then, there may be a mistake,” said Cole. “Maybe one here, two or three thousand there. The mistakes aren’t really illegal because, between you and me, the laws don’t really apply to the NSA.”

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Military Investigates Female-on-Male Sexual Assaults

“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”

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World

Tunisians Angry Over Syria Hogging America’s Short Attention Span

TUNIS, Tunisia — “We’ll, I’m sorry that we don’t have al-Qaeda operatives running around the country and that we aren’t brutally suppressing our own citizens,” said Tunisian President Moncef Marzouki.…

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Media

Three Cleveland Women Freed from Captivity, Immediately Imprisoned by the Media

CLEVELAND — The three Cleveland women who on Monday were finally freed from ten years of brutal captivity—during which they were confined to their kidnapper’s home and subjected to abuse…

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Entertainment

Amanda Knox Memoir Really Just Vivid Travelogue on Italian Restaurants

NEW YORK – True-crime fans have been surprised to discover that, contrary to expectations, the new memoir from convicted-and-then-acquitted murderer Amanda Knox is naught but a series of eloquent rhapsodies…

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Politics

Obama Admits He’s Confused over What Guantanamo Bay Actually Is

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama again reiterated his desire to close the Guantanamo Bay military facility in Cuba, his comments coinciding with a massive hunger strike occurring at the base. “I…

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Politics

Millions of Americans File for Extension to Cheat on Their Taxes

WASHINGTON — The Internal Revenue Service reported that an estimated 75 million Americans applied to extend the deadline for filing their 2012 income tax return, up 20% from last year.…

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World

Hoping for a Little Attention, Syrian Citizens Threaten to Nuke the U.S.

ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous,…

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World

Pope’s Foot Fetish Leaves Traditionalists Weary, Liberals Delighted

VATICAN CITY — Last month’s election of Pope Francis, a celebrated advocate for the poor in his native Argentina, has been met with acclaim by those hoping for change in…

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Politics

Guantanamo Bay Detainees Pretty Sure They’ll be Released Any Day Now

WASHINGTON– Following President Obama’s inauguration ceremony on Monday, the 166 detainees currently being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp issued a statement saying they anticipate being released “pretty much any…

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New York

John Liu Mistakes New York for Detroit, Runs on Corruption Record

NEW YORK — New York City Comptroller John Liu has announced his intention to run for mayor of New York City. Liu, mistaking New York for Detroit, started his campaign…

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America Unfazed By New Mexico Semen Attack

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — In a stunning turn of events, the American people appear to be completely unfazed by the fact that a New Mexico man threw semen at two women…

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Exploitative Beauty Pageant Dethrones Beauty Queen for Making Exploitative Video

WILMINGTON, Del. – The board of the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant has forced the resignation of Miss Teen Delaware, Melissa King, after it was revealed that Ms. King willingly…

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Media

Director to Honor Newtown Victims By Shamelessly Exploiting Their Story

RIDEGFIELD, Conn. — Big-time Hollywood director Jonathan Bucari has announced plans to memorialize the victims of the December 14 tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, in the time-honored tradition of being the…

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Public Shocked to Discover Hadiya Pendleton’s Murder Wasn’t at all Unusual

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – The American public is reacting with “shock” and “bewilderment” to reports that the murder of Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton was not a “rare, once…

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Sports

Lakers’ Gasol Tears Plantar Fascia, World Peace Exposes D’Antoni as Mastermind

LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed…

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Owners of New Blackberry 10 Dislike “Dependency, Clinginess” Feature

WATERLOO, Ontario — At a recent product launch, Thorsten Heins, CEO of the struggling company Blackberry, unveiled the new Blackberry10 smartphone, which comes equipped with pre-installed apps that beg consumers…

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Politics

GOP to Shed “Stupid Party” Label in Favor of “Really, Really Stupid Party”

WASHINGTON — Hoping to no longer be known as “The Stupid Party,” a majority of Republicans believe the GOP needs to reshape its image so that it can instead be…

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Sports

Yet Another Superbowl Goes to the Team That Prayed Hardest

NEW ORLEANS — The Baltimore Ravens beat out the San Francisco 49ers 34-31 on Sunday to take home their first Super Bowl title in thirteen years. Incredibly, the game also…

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New York

NYPD to Begin Invading People’s Privacy from a Safe Distance

NEW YORK — Get ready New York City because the NYPD may be frisking you and invading your privacy without you even knowing it. With the help of new infrared…

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