Sheldon Adelson: Hagel Would Make Us All a Bunch of Losers

Dear Friends, On Thursday Chuck Hagel appeared before the Senate Armed Services Committee. He appears to have survived it—despite a much-deserved thrashing from the definitely not senile, uber-patriot John McCain—and is one step closer to becoming the next Secretary of Defense. This fact should make Americans pee in their pants a little. And not from excitement. This is fear-pee I’m talking about—that…

Violent Video Game Makers Accused of Watching Too Much Reality

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SAN FRANCISCO — It is a disturbing and unmistakable fact that the video game world has become more graphic and violent than ever before. While many view this trend as a natural growth in any entertainment industry, new research suggests that violence in video games is, in fact, directly attributable to game developers paying too much attention to the world around them.…

Official “Groundhog Day” Groundhog Dies in the Name of Global Warming

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PUNSXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby, the official “Groundhog Day” groundhog was declared dead at 6:28 am, this morning. Authorities say the furry creature took his own life by overdosing on a mixture of nuts, insects and dandelion greens. “We didn’t see this coming,” said Zak Lantz, editor of the Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper. “Year after year we’ve stood in the cold waiting…

New Orleans Residents Warn Still-Struggling Sandy Victims not to Get Their Hopes Up

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NEW ORLEANS — In a letter addressed to thousands of Northeasterners affected by Hurricane Sandy, New Orleans residents urged victims of the October, 2012 storm to “get used to the awful conditions in which [they’re] now living,” because help is “certainly not on its way.” Three months after Hurricane Sandy devastated the Caribbean and the eastern United States, thousands are still without…

Lone Star College Replaces Student Identification with Official Handgun

HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing to make use of the school’s facilities and services. The school had been a gun-free zone until the shooting provoked administrators into replacing all forms of student identification with handguns marked with…

White Supremacist Groups Send Obama a Fruit Basket to Thank Him for the Boost in Membership

MOBILE, Ala. — With their ranks swelling since his re-election, white supremacist groups around the country have banded together to buy Barak Obama a small token of their appreciation. With the Ku-Klux-Klan and the Aryan Brotherhood spearheading the effort, the President recently received a surprisingly classy gift basket containing an assortment of fruit, white chocolate, white wine, white fish salad as well…

Five Injured at Gun Appreciation Day Event; Appreciation Increases Dramatically

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RALEIGH, N.C. — Five people were accidentally shot at Gun Appreciation Day rallies this Saturday in North Carolina, Indiana, and Ohio while participating in events promoting their Second Amendment right to own guns. These events, marketed by the right-wing group Political Media as a way of bringing attention to responsible gun ownership, were wildly successful, especially in the states where accidents occurred. “Did…

NRA Apologizes for Ad Targeting Obama’s Daughters, Releases Ad Targeting Handicapped Students

FAIRFAX, Va. — After withdrawing a widely condemned attack ad calling President Obama an “elitist hypocrite” for allowing his daughters to be protected by armed guards, the National Rifle Association has released an ad criticizing the “special treatment” received by students with disabilities. In a press statement, Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the NRA, admitted that the original advertisement was “at best,…

Steve Buscemi, John Goodman Tapped to Star in Iranian Remake of Argo

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TEHRAN — American actors Steve Buscemi and John Goodman have been offered prominent roles in the Iranian government’s planned remake of Ben Affleck’s Oscar-nominated Argo, which chronicles the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis. The project’s director, Ataollah Salmanian — who has attacked Affleck’s film as “distorted” and “ahistoric” — announced his casting plans on Al-Jazeera yesterday, indicating that, if hired, Buscemi and Goodman…

Whole Foods CEO Revises Analogy of Obamacare to “Marxist Despotism with a Trotskyist Bent”

AUSTIN, Texas — Whole Foods CEO John Mackey has openly criticized Obamacare since 2009, likening the health care plan to “socialism” and most recently “facism.” But after meeting with a few of his college-educated Team Members—the official title for entry-level employees at the organic grocery behemoth—Mr. Mackey modified his description to “more like Marxist despotism with a Trotskyist bent and heavy undertones…

As Doping Scandal Unfolds, a Skeptical Public Wonders if Lance Armstrong Ever Really Had Cancer

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PLANO, Texas — In the wake of Lance Armstrong’s reported admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his accomplished cycling career, many are left to wonder about the veracity of other public statements he has made, including those in which he claimed to be afflicted with life-threatening testicular cancer. Michael Donahue, owner of Mike’s Bikes in Portland, Oregon, is one of the…

Desperate Boeing Offers Airline Carriers Dreamliner Groupon

SEATTLE — Last week’s rash of mechanical problems aboard Boeing 787 Dreamliners has led to falling stock prices for the aerospace giant and left several airline carriers hesitant to order the craft. However, today Boeing announced a plan to salvage their troubled new jet by teaming up with the daily deal website Groupon, and offering the plane at an unprecedented two for the price of one rate. The Groupon email highlights the…

Death Row Inmates to Begin Patrolling Arizona Schools

PHOENIX — In response to the recent wave of public shootings, every school Arizona will be patrolled by what Sheriff Joe Arpaio has called “a super chain gang” made up of death row inmates who have all served at least seven years. According to the official statement released by the Sheriff’s Department, any death row inmate, regardless of crime, is eligible for…

Boy Scouts Introduce ‘Homosexual Shunning’ Merit Badge

NEW YORK — Last week, the Boy Scouts of America stirred controversy after denying Eagle Scout status to an openly gay California Scout. Now, refusing to cave to pressure to become more accepting, Boy Scout leaders have revealed their intention to double down on their homophobia by introducing a controversial new “Homosexual Shunning” merit badge. “With the introduction of the ‘Homosexual Shunning’…

Brooklynites Arrested After Instagramming Crime Spree

WILLIAMSBURG, N.Y. — A group of Brooklynites are facing criminal mischief charges after vandalizing several Williamsburg boutiques, record stores, and coffee shops early Saturday morning, and then posting pictures of their crimes using the popular photo-sharing application Instagram. Authorities say the suspects uploaded over 450 photos to their Instagram accounts throughout the night, chronicling their insufferable mayhem while exposing their cleavage to the camera…

Hollywood and NASCAR Plan to Spend Fiscal Cliff Tax Break Money in Most Wasteful Ways Possible

LOS ANGELES — According to sources, both the Hollywood and NASCAR industries plan on spending millions of dollars of taxpayer money from fiscal cliff tax breaks in the most wasteful and unnecessary ways possible. NASCAR will receive $70 million in tax breaks as a result of the fiscal cliff agreement. Hollywood is getting paid $430 million through “special expensing rules,” allowing movie…

CNN Hires Alex Jones to Boost Piers Morgan’s Ratings

NEW YORK – “It is the most relevant we have been since the Gulf War” reads a leaked memo from CNN’s global headquarters. It appears that the slumping cable network (the third most watched, behind Fox News and MSNBC) has figured out that paying gun rights enthusiast and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to rally for the deportation of Piers Morgan actually gets…

Bullshit Now America’s Top Export

WASHINGTON — According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis, the United States’ top export in 2012 was pure, unadulterated bullshit. After decades of producing mainly consumer goods, the ability to deceive, pander, obfuscate, and outright lie – be it to the world at large, co-workers, friends and family, or even oneself – is, for the first time, America’s primary export for global…

Al Jazeera Now Just Buying Anything it Can Get its Hands on

DOHA, Qatar — Reports are surfacing that Al Jazeera, the Middle East based Arab language news network, is now embarking on a campaign of ‘wanton purchasing’ in the wake of its $500 million dollar acquisition of Current TV, Al Gore’s little-watched television network. After buying the least-viewed news channel on Earth, Al Jazeera is now purchasing Groupon for $900 million, Blimpie sandwiches…