Congress Plans to Begin Debt Ceiling Negotiations One Hour Before Deadline

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WASHINGTON — In a joint statement, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid today announced that both chambers of Congress will begin debating and negotiating a solution to the looming debt ceiling crisis exactly one hour before the crisis hits and destroys the American economy. “Secretary Geithner has informed us that while the government reached the debt…

Allen West Questions Why Liberal Commies Want to Adopt “Mini-Putin Russian Babies”

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — During a town hall discussion about Russia’s decision to ban adoptions to the United States last week, former Congressman Allen West told the press, “Why are these left-wing radicals so desperate to adopt Russian kids? What kind of person wants to hear the pitter-patter of mini-Putins? A Communist—that’s who.” Hopeful families who had embarked on the long process of…

Congress Approaches “Sandy Cliff,” Mandated Destruction of Jersey Homes by Vikings

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WASHINGTON — Responding to the blistering charges of negligence made by Governor Chris Christie earlier this week, Congress has passed a bill mandating that New Jersey and New York receive federal funding for Hurricane Sandy relief programs by February 15, or else Vikings will be sent to visit destruction upon the homes of state residents. The media has already labeled the February…

Zadroga Bill Repealed, 9/11 First Responders Receive Scratch-Offs Instead

NEW YORK — Congress has moved to repeal the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act and provide first responders with scratch-off lottery tickets as an alternative to directly covering health complications stemming from the 9/11 attacks. President Obama signed the Zadroga bill into law two years ago, yet none of the people who worked in response and recovery have received compensation.…

Republicans and Democrats Unite Against Privacy, Extend FISA to 2017

WASHINGTON – After spending the majority of December in fierce opposition over the fiscal cliff, Democrats and Republicans have finally found an issue to unite behind: the federal government’s continued right to spy on Americans. On Friday, senators voted overwhelmingly to extend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), which was expanded by the Bush administration in 2008 to allow for the warrantless…

Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

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Dear Pissed Connections, I’ve been single all of 2012 and my New Year’s resolution is to get a boyfriend. I don’t have a problem meeting guys or anything — I meet plenty of eligible bachelors at bars, wine tastings and AA meetings. The problem I do have is that I’m terrible at managing my time. Whenever I coordinate a date with someone…

India Finds Solution to Rape Crisis, Bans Protests

NEW DELHI — Following the death of a young medical student whose brutal rape and beating has sparked nation-wide protests, government officials have decided that the best move forward is to ban all methods of public demonstration permanently. “Rather than waste time trying to ‘solve the problem,’ we figured it would be better to just remove the problem, as we see it,…

Harry Reid Blames Boehner for Panic of 1837, Dred Scott Decision and Watergate, Among Others

WASHINGTON – In yet another rousing speech from the Senate floor, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) reiterated the importance of reaching a fiscal cliff deal and stuck to his strategy of placing all the blame for the nation’s difficulties squarely on the shoulders of House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio). The speech began, as so many have before it, with a condemnation…

Conservatives Run Out of Reasons for Sandy Hook Tragedy

HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy. “All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he…

Schools Planning to Replace Teachers with Reddit

MONROE, N.C. — With tight budgets being an increasingly growing problem for grade schools in today’s economy, more schools are parting ways with the traditional teacher-student model of education. Many schools are now turning to the plentiful resources of Reddit, the popular website of seemingly endless content from around the internet. One of these schools ditching teachers for computers is Andrew Jackson…