After the ruling was published, Scalia was seen leading the other five Roman Catholic members of the Court in prayer in his chambers.
While emphasizing that he “would not immediately begin” sodomizing his wife, the former Pennsylvania senator indicated that the sexual act would be committed at some point in the near future, “possibly after New Year’s.”
I, for one, have chosen to act preemptively. Soon, the sodomites will be slipping on wedding rings. They’ll be lying down in marital beds, and will be doing so legally.
“Besides which, you’re less likely to be murdered in Somalia than you are in Washington D.C., so maybe the no-government thing has its merits.” Shimbir added.
“Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilisation,” Rev. John
Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday night that President Barack Obama had not done enough to justify an attack on Syria.
“Yes, that’s a good point, except that, you know, women live longer,” Samadi asserted. “Women live until age 81 and men live only until 76. So, we’re using the health care system much less.”
“We got paid for four questions, but they only gave us three, so we tossed in that one as a sort of joke.”
“And after that, I guess it’s incest,” Swanson agreed. “After that, I guess it’s the cannibal merit badge, where I guess you cut up human flesh, fry it.”
“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”
“Our authority — everything we do we have to measure by the word of God, that is what I believe. So, we have to go to the Bible, and the Bible speaks about dragons.”
“Seriously, this is all so freaking familiar,” said Mohammed Hassan, a Cairo resident. “The streets filled with people calling the president a fascist, demanding that he step down; the military threatening to take control of the government. It’s like I already experienced this.”
TURKISH-SYRIAN BORDER — “I know roughly 100,000 Syrians have been killed so far,” said Syrian refugee Adad Halabi, who lost his home and family in the Syrian civil war, “but being the president of America is hard. If Obama feels like he needs more time to figure out what to do in a situation where hundreds of civilians are killed every day,…
“Follow-up question: Do we have anything to fear from these drones?”
“No, senator,” said Mueller. “We have everything to fear.”
“Get a load of Little Miss Principals,” said Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell as he read Murkowski’s statement to a doubled over and tearing up bipartisan assembly in the Senate Dining Room.
NEW YORK — Careful research conducted jointly by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the Rutherford Institute and the Sunshine Press, as well as a new lawsuit filed last week, confirms that the American Civil Liberties Union does in fact still exist. Long thought to be an extinct relic of the 20th century, Pew spokesman Sherman Falls says the vestigial civil rights group is…
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Amid reports that the IRS targeted conservative groups for special scrutiny, right-leaning organizations across the nation are expressing relief and elation at finally being proven right about the evils of big government. The scandal—which has already led to the resignation of high-ranking IRS officials—is centered around the Cincinnati office of the IRS, but has put the entire…
LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes for his contribution to the cinematic arts. “Recently, in an interview with the Miami Herald” begins Bay, his face a twisted mask of surprise and bitter recrimination “I apologized for what I…
Thank you for having me here today. I appreciate all of you the same way I appreciate working with and around deadlines. In this hectic day and age, it’s good to be on the forefront of what gives a news story legitimacy, like facts, details, facts, and accuracy. At the Post, we call this “Faccuracy,” a very clever portmanteau of the words…
RALEIGH,N.C. — A handful of “cow-rageous” lawmakers are standing up to “domestic terrorists” who they say have long plagued farm animals by unethically filming their suffering. The resulting videos circulate the Internet in large supply and are an invasion of the animals’ privacy, and also cause financial setbacks for the farms they call home. “All we are trying to do is protect…
JEREUSALEM – Immediately after Israel celebrated its 65th anniversary on Tuesday, a number of Palestinian factions issued comments saying “Ooh, and it IS getting up there.” The various press releases went on to say that the Jewish homeland was “Wow, 65? I mean:65! Impressive.” As world leaders sent their congratulations and synagogues paused for a moment of reflection, several protesters in Tel-Aviv…
NEW ORLEANS — Even in the offseason, the Crimson Tide keeps rolling. NCAA officials this week announced that the University of Alabama men’s football team had somehow won the national championship in spring training, a competition other coaches and football experts said they were unaware even existed. Indeed, following the announcement, current ‘Bama students were among those unclear as to how they…
WRENTHAM, Maine — After teasing reporters with talk of jumping into the 2014 Senate race in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown today acknowledged purchasing homes in the states of Maine and Nebraska within recent weeks, “just in case.” “I have long felt a kinship to the great state of Maine,” said Brown as he rested a foot on the fender…
ATLANTA – A week after suffering a horrific, compound fracture leg injury on national television, complete with exposed bone, and mere days after his Cardinals won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has largely disappeared from the consciousness of society at large. Teammate Russ Smith, who averaged 22 points a game in the tournament, said the title was a…