Analysis: ACLU Still a Thing

Howard simon ed aclu fl

NEW YORK — Careful research conducted jointly by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the Rutherford Institute and the Sunshine Press, as well as a new lawsuit filed last week, confirms that the American Civil Liberties Union does in fact still exist. Long thought to be an extinct relic of the 20th century, Pew spokesman Sherman Falls says the vestigial civil rights group is…

Conservatives Elated to Be Proven Right about Evil Big Government

Big Government

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Amid reports that the IRS targeted conservative groups for special scrutiny, right-leaning organizations across the nation are expressing relief and elation at finally being proven right about the evils of big government. The scandal—which has already led to the resignation of high-ranking IRS officials—is centered around the Cincinnati office of the IRS, but has put the entire…

Michael Bay Apologizes for Entire Filmography

LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes for his contribution to the cinematic arts. “Recently, in an interview with the Miami Herald” begins Bay, his face a twisted mask of surprise and bitter recrimination “I apologized for what I…

Legislators Fight to Protect Animals’ Right to Suffer in Private

RALEIGH,N.C. — A handful of “cow-rageous” lawmakers are standing up to “domestic terrorists” who they say have long plagued farm animals by unethically filming their suffering. The resulting videos circulate the Internet in large supply and are an invasion of the animals’ privacy, and also cause financial setbacks for the farms they call home. “All we are trying to do is protect…

Palestinians Point Out Israel Now Retirement Age

JEREUSALEM  – Immediately after Israel celebrated its 65th anniversary on Tuesday, a number of Palestinian factions issued comments saying “Ooh, and it IS getting up there.” The various press releases went on to say that the Jewish homeland was “Wow, 65? I mean:65! Impressive.” As world leaders sent their congratulations and synagogues paused for a moment of reflection, several protesters in Tel-Aviv…

Alabama Wins BCS Spring Training National Championship

Crimson Tide

NEW ORLEANS — Even in the offseason, the Crimson Tide keeps rolling. NCAA officials this week announced that the University of Alabama men’s football team had somehow won the national championship in spring training, a competition other coaches and football experts said they were unaware even existed. Indeed, following the announcement, current ‘Bama students were among those unclear as to how they…

‘What’s-His-Name-with-the-Leg’ Already Forgotten

ATLANTA – A week after suffering a horrific, compound fracture leg injury on national television, complete with exposed bone, and mere days after his Cardinals won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has largely disappeared from the consciousness of society at large.  Teammate Russ Smith, who averaged 22 points a game in the tournament, said the title was a…