SCOTUS: Establishment Clause Doesn’t Apply to Christianity
After the ruling was published, Scalia was seen leading the other five Roman Catholic members of the Court in prayer in his chambers.
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Utah Court’s Pro-Polygamy Ruling Driving Santorum to Anal Sex
While emphasizing that he “would not immediately begin” sodomizing his wife, the former Pennsylvania senator indicated that the sexual act would be committed at some point in the near future, “possibly after New Year’s.”
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Rick Santorum: Why Gays Are Forcing Me to Divorce my Wife
I, for one, have chosen to act preemptively. Soon, the sodomites will be slipping on wedding rings. They’ll be lying down in marital beds, and will be doing so legally.
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Somalia Government Shutdown Enters 22nd Year
“Besides which, you’re less likely to be murdered in Somalia than you are in Washington D.C., so maybe the no-government thing has its merits.” Shimbir added.
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#NoNeedToSatirize: Minneapolis arch-bishop blames Satan for marriage equality
“Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilisation,” Rev. John
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#NoNeedToSatirize: Rumsfeld: Obama hasn’t justified Syria attack
Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday night that President Barack Obama had not done enough to justify an attack on Syria.
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#NNTS: Fox News expert: ‘Women have the breasts’ so health care should cost more than men
“Yes, that’s a good point, except that, you know, women live longer,” Samadi asserted. “Women live until age 81 and men live only until 76. So, we’re using the health care system much less.”
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Louisiana Republicans Stake Claim as Dumbest People in the World
“We got paid for four questions, but they only gave us three, so we tossed in that one as a sort of joke.”
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#NoNeedToSatirize: Radio hosts: Gay Boy Scouts will get merit badges for sodomy, incest and cannibalism
“And after that, I guess it’s incest,” Swanson agreed. “After that, I guess it’s the cannibal merit badge, where I guess you cut up human flesh, fry it.”
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Military Investigates Female-on-Male Sexual Assaults
“Our top military personnel should not be using egregious sexual violations as some sort of Penthouse forum.”
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#NoNeedToSatirize: Creationist explains why dragons are actually real creatures
“Our authority — everything we do we have to measure by the word of God, that is what I believe. So, we have to go to the Bible, and the Bible speaks about dragons.”
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Entire Egyptian Nation Experiencing Déjà vu
“Seriously, this is all so freaking familiar,” said Mohammed Hassan, a Cairo resident. “The streets filled with people calling the president a fascist, demanding that he step down; the military threatening to take control of the government. It’s like I already experienced this.”
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Massacred Syrians Appreciate Obama’s Methodical Deliberation
TURKISH-SYRIAN BORDER — “I know roughly 100,000 Syrians have been killed so far,” said Syrian refugee Adad Halabi, who lost his home and family in the Syrian civil war, “but…
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FBI Director Confirms Presence of Drones in US, Warns Against Sudden Movements
“Follow-up question: Do we have anything to fear from these drones?”
“No, senator,” said Mueller. “We have everything to fear.”
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Foolish GOP Senator Backs Gay Marriage for No Personal Gain
“Get a load of Little Miss Principals,” said Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell as he read Murkowski’s statement to a doubled over and tearing up bipartisan assembly in the Senate Dining Room.
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Analysis: ACLU Still a Thing
NEW YORK — Careful research conducted jointly by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the Rutherford Institute and the Sunshine Press, as well as a new lawsuit filed last week, confirms that…
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Conservatives Elated to Be Proven Right about Evil Big Government
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Amid reports that the IRS targeted conservative groups for special scrutiny, right-leaning organizations across the nation are expressing relief and elation at finally being proven…
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Michael Bay Apologizes for Entire Filmography
LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes…
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World and Current Events, As Viewed by a New York Post Journalist
Thank you for having me here today. I appreciate all of you the same way I appreciate working with and around deadlines. In this hectic day and age, it’s good…
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Legislators Fight to Protect Animals’ Right to Suffer in Private
RALEIGH,N.C. — A handful of “cow-rageous” lawmakers are standing up to “domestic terrorists” who they say have long plagued farm animals by unethically filming their suffering. The resulting videos circulate…
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Palestinians Point Out Israel Now Retirement Age
JEREUSALEM – Immediately after Israel celebrated its 65th anniversary on Tuesday, a number of Palestinian factions issued comments saying “Ooh, and it IS getting up there.” The various press releases…
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Alabama Wins BCS Spring Training National Championship
NEW ORLEANS — Even in the offseason, the Crimson Tide keeps rolling. NCAA officials this week announced that the University of Alabama men’s football team had somehow won the national…
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Scott Brown Purchases Homes in Maine and Nebraska ‘Just in Case’
WRENTHAM, Maine — After teasing reporters with talk of jumping into the 2014 Senate race in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown today acknowledged purchasing homes in the states…
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‘What’s-His-Name-with-the-Leg’ Already Forgotten
ATLANTA – A week after suffering a horrific, compound fracture leg injury on national television, complete with exposed bone, and mere days after his Cardinals won the NCAA Men’s Basketball…
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