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2012 Hottest Year Ever: Conservatives Call Discussion of Global Warming “Inappropriate at This Time”

WASHINGTON — The numbers are in: according to the National Climate Data Center, 2012 was officially the hottest in U.S. history. In light of this news, Democratic members of Congress are demanding an “open dialogue” regarding climate change issues, but are being met with significant resistance from the right.

“We firmly believe that now is not the time to question issues of ‘global warming’ or ‘climate change.’ There is a time and a place for those discussions, but it is not now — not after the debilitating heat of this previous year,” Republican congressman and climate change denier Paul Ryan reasoned at a recent press conference. “Now is the time for enjoying the cool winter weather and considering the cost of installing central air. Later, at a more appropriate moment, we can open those dialogues.”

Experts are also claiming that the U.S. experienced greater “climate extremes” in 2012 than in any other year since 1988, and many scientists suggest that this year is merely one data point in a larger pattern of global warming. Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer suggested that “we could utilize this climate event as a “see-change” moment, before, you know, the sea actually changes and the coastlines are flooded.”

While environmentalists are demanding that the U.S. government increase funds for renewable fuel research, move towards cap and trade legislation, and encourage greener home practices for individual citizens, the GOP claims such reactions are “inappropriate” and “untimely” in the wake of these climate-related findings.

“I think everyone affected by the extreme weather patterns and heat this year could use a little time to process this information,” Ryan explained. “I don’t think we really need to ‘address’ this issue directly, at least not for the time being. We should really wait until there haven’t been any climate events for quite a while before we begin a discussion of this caliber. Otherwise, it’s just not respectful to all those affected by the hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and crop-killing dry summer heat.

Added Ryan, “Let’s not politicize this issue.”

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Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market.

Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want to ensure premiere customers continue returning. One ton of glacier ice sells for about $1,000 on the black market, and a whiskey on glacier rocks will cost you about $30 a glass.

Glaciers have been disintegrating three times faster than in the 1970s, according to the World Glacier Monitoring Service at the University of Zurich. Scientists there have also noted that the average glacier has melted 25 feet since 1997. It used to be believed that this rapid glacier disintegration was because of global warming, but it is actually thieves chipping off the top of glaciers to make a quick buck.

The three-year study conducted by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that hundreds of glaciers from Greenland to Argentina have been struck by thieves, accounting for about 90% of glacier disintegration over the past 40 years. This means that glaciers have actually been melting at the same rate that they always have been, debunking several global warming theories.

“It seems to be that global warming isn’t true,” said outspoken environmentalist Al Gore. “I do believe that ice theft needs to stop immediately, but those whiskeys on glacier rocks are so damn good. The salt and liquor mix is simply delicious once it hits your lips.”

Similar sentiment about glacier theft is running rampant among officials across the globe.

“Glacier theft needs to stop,” said Interpol president Khoo Boon Hui. “But not until everybody tries a shot of Black Label served on iceberg chunks. Until then, we will turn a blind eye to this, and at least we now know that global warming isn’t real anymore.”