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New CNN Chief Seeks “Hollywood Talent,” Bumps Anderson Cooper for Perez Hilton

NEW YORK — Since his appointment as President of CNN Worldwide in November, Jeff Zucker has repeatedly stated his ambition to increase the network’s coverage of entertainment news, most recently by bumping “Anderson Cooper 360°” from its usual timeslot to make room for a new show hosted by Perez Hilton.

The “Perez Hilton Slut-Shaming Hour” will see its flashy host reporting on the juiciest Hollywood gossip, sometimes live from the source. The pilot, in which Perez Hilton analyzes Anne Hathaway’s recent “wardrobe malfunction” and compares her pubic hair unfavorably to steel wool, tested favorably among focus groups.

“The people want real, in-your-face confrontation,” said Zucker, commenting on CNN’s struggle to maintain ratings among more radical competition like Fox and MSNBC. “But not like the Syrian regime pitted against its own civilians in an endlessly bloody conflict with no potential silver lining. That’s just depressing.”

Anderson Cooper’s program, which has won and been nominated for numerous awards for its in-depth and often on-site reporting, has enjoyed an 8 pm airtime for several years, but “just can’t compete” with Hilton spuriously accusing film actors and random strangers on the street of being gay, says Zucker. As a result, Cooper’s show will air regularly at 2 am EST.

Zucker vowed to “uphold CNN’s reputation of journalistic integrity” by investing in a high-tech display system and 3-D hologram projectors, so that Hilton will be able to mock each of Hathaway’s pubes individually.