Today's Headlines US

50 Years On, Nation Pauses to Remember Lyndon B. Johnson’s Inauguration

DALLAS — Few events in America’s history carry as much weight as the inauguration of Lyndon Baines Johnson, who officially became the 36th President of the United States five decades ago today.

Now, we pause to remember the day when America lost its innocence and Johnson transformed from an unpopular vice president known as “Uncle Cornpone” to the man who would usher in a “Great Society” before our very eyes.

Thousands gathered at Dallas’s Love Field airport this afternoon to reflect on President Johnson’s historic inauguration, which took place aboard Air Force One under extraordinary circumstances after former President John F. Kennedy’s term was cut short due to medical reasons stemming from an incident involving a convertible automobile and a magic bullet.

“Everybody can remember where they were when LBJ become President,” recalled historian David McCullough.

“The entire world just stopped.”

President Johnson is remembered as a legislative mastermind who sponsored the largest reform agenda since Roosevelt’s New Deal. In 1964, he signed into law the Civil Rights Act, which banned discrimination based on race and gender in employment and ended segregation in all public facilities.

Sadly, he is also remembered for escalating United States military involvement in Vietnam, which ultimately resulted in over 200,000 U.S. casualties.

“It’s hard to believe his presidency almost never was,” declared Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings in a somber speech only a few feet away from the inauguration.

Rawling’s was referring to the incident in which Johnson was nearly shot and killed just hours before his inauguration while riding with is wife, Lady Bird Johnson, in the presidential motorcade.

After then-President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed, Secret Service Agent Rufus Youngblood threw himself on top of Johnson, saving his life and forever altering the course of American history.

New York

Chronic Fondler Finds Home at JFK as TSA Employee

NEW YORK — Randy Green, a Queens resident and convicted sex offender guilty of public fondling, recently landed a job as a Transportation Security Administration employee at John F. Kennedy International Airport. Green, 56, who apparently suffers from a chronic compulsion to fondle the genitals of random passersby, applied for a job as a security official at the airport last month. The TSA promptly hired Green, noting that his innate desire to grab the testicles and breasts of complete strangers was an essential skill as a security agent.

“Randy’s a great TSA man who fit right in,” a TSA representative at JFK said this morning. “You never know when someone will try to hide a butterfly knife in their crotch, or a snub-nosed revolver in their cleavage, and we really need employees who aren’t shy about feeling people up.” Green, whose fondling experience includes three successful convictions of groping breasts in public and seven alleged instances of testicle-grabbing, now enjoys an official title within the TSA as a “resident genital frisker,” and is free to indulge in his compulsion professionally and without legal ramifications.