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Entertainment

Fresh out the Womb, Kimye Baby Signs Sex-Tape Deal

LOS ANGELES — According to sources close to the newborn-superstar, the daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West—rumored to be named Kaidence Donda West—has become the youngest celebrity ever to sign a seven-figure deal to appear in an X-rated film. The infant, born on Saturday, has reportedly agreed to star in “Kimye Baby’s Got Back,” a “leaked” sex-tape scheduled for release on June 20, 2031.

The future-pornstar’s parents are reportedly “thrilled” to know that their daughter has secured her future so early in life. “They are just relieved to know that—if she doesn’t inherit her father’s musical ability, or her mother’s… um… unspecified talents—she’ll still have a wonderful means of supporting herself,” one of the baby’s aunts,  Khloe Kardashian, told Newslo. “Doin’ the dirt in front of millions of people is a time-honored Kardashian tradition, as you know.”

Indeed, Kim, the baby’s mother, is the star of “Kim Kardashian: Superstar,” a home sex tape that she made with her ex-boyfriend, singer Ray J, which was subsequently leaked and distributed by adult film company Vivid Entertainment in 2007. Kardashian initially sued for ownership of the tape, but dropped the suit when Vivid offered to pay her $5 million for the rights to it.

“Hey, as I always told my daughters: Never let people watch you bang, unless you’re being paid an absurd amount of money to do so, and [West and Kardashian’s daughter] can probably make ten times as much as Kimmy did,” said the baby’s grandmother, Kris Jenner. “As I’ve already said, I’ve seen this kid, and she is beautiful.

A statement released by the infant’s publicist contained mostly “goo-goo’s” and “ga-ga’s,” but also quoted the youngster as saying, “According to many sex-positive feminists, e.g. Ellen Willis, pornography can be a liberating medium through which women can express their natural sexuality—and I happen to agree. Now would somebody please change my diaper?”

Categories
Media

Kim Kardashian Agrees To Sell Baby to Us Weekly

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. – Pregnant reality-TV star Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Kanye West have reportedly agreed in principle to the sale of their unborn child to celebrity tabloid Us Weekly. “With this acquisition, Us Weekly once again proves that we are the only place to turn to for celebrity news, gossip, and offspring,” said Us Weekly Editor-in-Chief Michael Steele. “The reveal of little Us Weekly Kardashian-West is going to be the product launch of the century!”

While the details of the agreement, rumored to be worth just under a million dollars, have not been made public, sources say the mother-to-be can earn additional money if she provides a healthy and sanitary receptacle for the product during the incubation period. However, Kardashian insisted financial matters would play no part in how she manages her pregnancy. “This is a life-changing event that will change my life,” she said, dressed in a lacy, white bikini. “Like any mother, I only want what’s best for my investment.”

She then tossed her hair back, placed her hand on her hip alluringly, and smiled. “Now, somebody hose me down. It’s time for a bikini/baby bump photo shoot!”

Industry insiders applauded Us Weekly’s bold move. “My hat’s off to Mike, he absolutely blind-sided everyone,” said Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief Joanna Coles. “We weren’t even expecting to bid on the placenta for another month.”

News of the sale has not gone over well with the rest of the cast of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, with sister Kourtney Kardashian being the most vocal opponent. “What a total, skank-whore move!” She recently screamed while shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. “If she thinks we’re just going to let her hand our newest cast member over to some mindless corporation for a few thousand dollars, she’s dumber than Kourtney! Wait, I’m Kourtney. Dumber than Khloe!”

When someone informed Kourtney that the deal could well earn her sister over a million dollars, she paused, glancing down at the Gucci stroller at her side carrying her children- three year-old Mason Dash Disicks and infant Penelope Scotland Disick- before finally responding, “A million? Really?”

Asked for comment on the sale of his future child for cash, Grammy-winning recording artist and father-to-be Kanye West shrugged his shoulders. “We’ll make another one,” he said. “I like making them. Hell, you’ve seen the videos.”

When the gender-neutral Us Weekly Kardashian-West comes off the assembly line sometime in July, it will immediately become the most valuable tabloid-owned infant in history, besting previous record-holder Suri Cruise who was sold to The Star in 2006 for $700,000.

The reported sale of The Bat Boy to The Weekly World News for $2 million dollars in 2003 has never been verified.