Ahmadinejad Whipped for Election Violations or Personal Fetish

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TEHRAN, Iran — In a surprise announcement today, lame-duck Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed to have received a severe whipping at the hands of either a representative of the Iranian police force or an attractive woman wearing leather. The punishment occured either due to his violating Iranian election law or because he derives sexual gratification from the practice. “I felt that it…

Iran Unsure Whether to Blame U.S. or Devil for Earthquake

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TEHRAN, Iran — A magnitude-6.1 earthquake has divided Iranian leaders, who cannot decide if the United States caused the disaster with an unknown type ofweapon or if the Devil is attacking the nation for worshipping God too much. Offering condolences to victims of the tragedy, Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei said in a message, “With sorrow and sadness, I received news of the…

Um, Hi, Remember Me?

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It would appear that the ungrateful infidels in American media outlets have forgotten yours truly. When was the last time you saw my name headlining primetime news? My advisors tell me those heathen presidential candidates barely even mentioned me in the debates! As if there is any more pressing issue in this country than my dangerous proclivity for beige suits, my utter…

Sanctions With Ahmadinejad: A New York Minute

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NEW YORK — Well, all in all I would say that was a successful trip. One never knows what to expect from a jaunt to New York City, the land of hot dogs, homelessness, and homosexuals — Forgive me. My advisor is whispering into my ear, telling me that the gaunt figure in the potato sack-looking garb was not a homeless person…

Sanctions With Ahmadinejad

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TEHRAN, IRAN — Greetings from Tehran! No, this isn’t a bearded Jake Gyllenhaal in his newest role. It is I, Mahmoud, live and in the flesh in my private bunker. Fear not: I have not taken to the bunker because I am in danger. I merely thought I saw a Jew, so I took refuge. As your people continue to tighten your…