Categories
Politics

Gays Think Louie Gohmert Should Hide His Bigot Orientation at Work

WASHINGTON — The office of Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tx.) today received a letter addressing a comment he made earlier this week in which he seemed to suggest that, if they don’t want to be discriminated against at work, homosexuals should hide their sexual orientation. The letter, penned by thousands of members of the American LGBT community, suggested that “maybe, just maybe,” Gohmert should hide his “bigot orientation” while he’s at work.

“Thank you for your wise words, Mr. Gohmert,” the letter reads in part. “It’s nice to know you have our back. It’s so simple: Just pretend we’re not gay! Why didn’t we think of that?!”

“Since you’ve been so helpful,” the letter continues, “we thought we’d return the favor by offering you some advice. If you don’t want to be ‘discriminated against’ at work—i.e., voted right the hell out of office—it might be a good idea to pretend you’re not a total bigot. Ya know, just a suggestion.”

Authors of the letter say they sent it in response to comments Gohmert made in an interview with ThinkProgress earlier this week. When asked by a reporter if he supported the Employment Non-Discrimination Act—which would “prevent private employers from discriminating against employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity”—Gohmert said he’d never heard of it, but went on to insinuate that such legislation is unnecessary anyway, because, as he said, “Who wants to go talking about sexual orientation when they’re working? Good grief.”

“You’re right, Louie,” the letter responded. “I mean, you seem to talk about sexual orientation quite a lot while you’re ‘working’ on Capitol Hill—like when you said that gay marriage can lead to bestiality, or that it’s putting America ‘on the road to the dustbin of history,’ or even that time you argued that allowing openly gay teenagers into the Boy Scouts would lead inevitably to older boys raping younger ones. But we guess it’s different for you. Seriously—you’re not a total hypocrite or anything.”

Rep. Gohmert has yet to publicly react to the letter, but sources close to the congressman say that he’s “happy to see that the gays have finally absorbed the central message of his political career: Be something you’re not, or get out.”

Categories
Media

Fox News Announces Plan to Never Broadcast its Views in Spanish

NEW YORK — With Fox News’ ratings slipping and Hispanics making up an ever-increasing percentage of the American population, Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes has announced that his network will take the bold step of never broadcasting its anti-Hispanic views in Spanish.

“It’s not that we like these people,” said Ailes, “but they do watch television. So, if I need to throw up some Spanish closed captions on and stop using the most inflammatory language possible, I will.”

According to an internal Fox News memo, Ailes has ordered such changes as replacing the phrase “immigrants stealing American jobs” with “the vast majority of immigrants stealing American jobs,” discontinuing the use of the label “illegal immigrants” in favor of “immigrants who are here illegally,” and immediately creating up to five “token Hispanic” positions with the network. Ailes hopes that these and other changes will allow Hispanics to gloss over the network’s core message that paints undocumented Hispanic immigrants as criminals who want to destroy America from within.

“We need to soften our image and stop talking about illegal immigrants- I mean immigrants who are here illegally- so much,” said Executive Vice President of Programming Bill Shine. “For example, we know that Hispanics are all socially conservative, so we’ll start harping on abortion more to find common ground. Over time, I’m confident that will help Hispanics forget our preference that all Spanish-speaking people leave America. They’re an easily-distracted people.”

The new initiative reaches into very aspect of Fox News programming, including established shows such as The O’Reilly Factor (which will be incorporating the Mexican Hat Dance into its theme music) and Fox & Friends (which plans a regularly-scheduled segment entitled “Better Know a Burrito”).

“That ought to do it,” said Ailes.

Categories
Media

New Tom Cruise Movie Set To Fulfill Mayan 2012 End of World Prophecy

HOLLYWOOD — Experts on the ancient Mayan culture of Central America have confirmed what has long been feared, that the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012 due to the release of the new Tom Cruise movie, Jack Reacher.

“The prophecy is very specific,” said Mark Van Stone, Mayan expert and Professor of Art History at Southwestern College in San Diego. “The instant that damn Cruise movie opens nationwide, we’re screwed.”

While most have heard that the Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/12, the mechanism that brings about the end of the world was unknown until recently, when a Mayan stela (stone monument) was unearthed in northern Belize. The Crazy Man Stela, as it’s known, explains that the world will end when a “Crazy Chair Dancer following the Teachings of the Shaman of Star Tales” performs a worldwide ceremony wherein he “Reaches for Relevance.”

“Hard to argue with the interpretation,” said David Stuart of the University of Texas. “Especially when you plug in the whole ‘jumping on Oprah’s sofa’ bit into the equation.”

Exactly how the nationwide launch of Jack Reacher brings about the end of the world is still a topic of heated debate. Theories include a publicity stunt which goes horribly wrong, the predictability of the film causing mass riots, or the film’s release triggering a Scientology-related doomsday scenario.

“It’s common knowledge that Cruise is the Anointed One in Scientology lore,” said Rotten Tomatoes Editor-In-Chief Matt Atchity. “Jack Reacher is the End Game of a carefully thought out plan where each successive Cruise film has been made to fulfill requirements needed to bring about the Final Cleansing of mankind. How else do you explain Knight and Day?”

Categories
Media

Post “Lincoln” Success, “William Henry Harrison” to Hit Theaters

LOS ANGELES — After Stephen Spielberg’s “Lincoln” received critical acclaim, little- known director Robert Wilcox announced today the release of his inspiring presidential biopic, “William Henry Harrison.”

The epic tale follows our ninth president who died just 32 days after taking office. Kidd Martin, known for his role as “Axed Zombie” in “The Walking Dead” Season 1/ Episode 1, gives a breakout performance as William Henry Harrison.

Just like “Lincoln,” the film follows Harrison during the most critical part of his presidency. The film begins on March 4th, 1841, the day of Harrison’s inauguration.  Historically accurate, the audience is taken through Harrison’s one-hour and forty-five minute speech for which he did not wear an overcoat or hat.  I tip my hat to the special effects artist for making me feel like I was right there, listening outside in that very snowstorm. After Harrison’s dry oration fades, the audience is whisked away with our ninth president as he rides, without mittens or any wool accessory, through the streets of Washington for his inaugural parade. There were many words for Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln, and in this two-hour scene, one could only describe Martin’s Harrison as “freezing.”

The filmmakers chose to set aside the riveting presidential campaign between Harrison and his opponent, Martin Van Buren. Their campaign was known as the “log cabin and hard cider campaign” but we do not find out why. We also never find out that William Henry Harrison led a thousand soldiers to battle against the Native Americans at Tippecanoe River. No, this film rightfully and masterfully honors the defining moment of William Henry Harrison’s life and I assure you, it’s a must see.

[Spoiler Alert] Harrison gets pneumonia and dies. But how Wilcox chooses to portray the death, this critic will leave for you to watch. I can only describe Martin’s role in this scene as “dead.”

“William Henry Harrison” hits theaters on January 4th with the 3D sequel “John Tyler” opening just 32 days later.