“To do otherwise is to disrespect the United States”
“There could have been days when I would’ve been too busy to put on my temple garment and settled for regular briefs,” Romney said with a shudder. “The White House just isn’t worth that.”
For his part, Romney is keeping his plans close to the vest. “A lot can happen between now and 2016,” he mused. “But I do look good in blue, don’t I?”
NAIROBI, Kenya — Shortly after Republican Mitt Romney’s defeat in the 2012 election became official, the campaign followed standard procedure and sent hundreds of thousands of t-shirts and hats declaring Romney’s victory to families in need throughout the developing world. It was quite a surprise to former campaign workers when, on November 27th, the massive shipments of apparel were found outside the…
Join the Romney 2016 movement and become a leader in the fight for America’s future! With only 207 weeks left in the race, now is the time to get involved! Are you ready to be a part of a real grassroots political effort? Want to work side-by-side with the job creators of tomorrow, and network with the billionaire investors of today? Now…
WASHINGTON — Even though the election is over and President Obama was re-elected on November 6, sources close to the former Massachusetts governor say Mitt Romney has continued to campaign across the country. “Mitt has been running for this job for 6 years, basically,” the source said. “When the results came in on Election Night announcing that he’d lost, Mitt fell into…
WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a third world country if they lose. Goodell convinced both camps to agree to the gesture after explaining it had been commonplace in the sports world for decades and both sides needed to…
WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 percent of what I’d have to pay a man.” In an interview with Newslo on Wednesday, the Republican candidate clarified his position: “These are the tactics…
JOLIET, Ill. — Deborah Carpenter, founder and owner of a chain of local convenience stores, has called out presidential candidate Mitt Romney for misrepresenting their brief conversation at a recent campaign rally. In a recent stump speech, Romney said, “A lovely small business owner named Deborah told me that I had her vote because the President’s economic strategies had failed her and…
CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but we were still feeling really sluggish in the polls,” said Romney. “Just low energy, you know?” But if the Romney campaign was going to be at its best, it had to cut…
Newslo correspondent AnnaMaria Chen visits Union Square to get the public’s reaction to the Newslo’s top headlines.
With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including: Todd Akin for Mitt Romney Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.”…
Politics Romney Will Ask Stage Manager for Line During Next Debate BOCA RATON, Florida — In yet another bout of Romnesia, presidential candidate Mitt Romney will bring Monday night’s debate to a standstill by pausing in the middle of an answer to ask an off-stage campaign manager “Line?” Though usually reserved for actors in musicals and stage plays who forget a line…
BRONX, N.Y. – In a great display of magnanimity and generosity, Mitt Romney gave a speech directly to Yankees manager Joe Girardi this morning. Governor Romney prefaced the speech by reminding voters of how he won the Salt Lake City Olympics and of how his masterful strategic prowess can reinvigorate even the most dire of business situations. “Well, I’ll tell you…
WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…
WASHINGTON– According to a Pew Research poll released this morning, a majority of likely voters say Mitt Romney is the kind of likeable guy you just want to sit down and have a bee—well, he’s Mormon so he doesn’t drink, but they sure would like to have a Yoo-Hoo with him. “I’d just love to hang out with Mitt,” said auto mechanic…
LUBBOCK, Texas – In a strange turn of events, Republican candidate Mitt Romney implied last week that, contrary to his official platform, he would not seek to outlaw abortion if elected president. The Romney campaign immediately disavowed the statement as a “misquote,” reportedly at the command of a secret council of cloaked GOP overlords. One leaked memo among party officials explained, “Mitt…
WASHINGTON – A Newslo voter poll of conspiracy theorists shows an abrupt change in perception since the first presidential debate last week. Fervent believers in baseless theories about President Obama have now become his largest supporters, having realized that a Romney victory will rob their lives of any purpose. This shift in a key element of the Republican voting base will hugely…
DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…
ORLANDO, Fla. — In a speech today to the Tea Party’s Constitutional Originalist Society, presidential candidate Mitt Romney affirmed his commitment to defend Third Amendment rights if elected. The $500-a-plate crowd gave Romney a standing ovation as he firmly declared his opposition to the forced quartering of soldiers during peacetime. “President Obama has done more than any president in history to roll…
HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…
DOVER, Del.—Corporate persons in Delaware are rejoicing today after Governor Jack Markell signed a bill officially recognizing marriage between corporations. “For too long corporations have been treated like second class citizens,” said Amy Haggardy, spokesperson for Corporations for Marriage Equality, on the steps of the Delaware statehouse. “Worse, in fact! They’ve been treated like gay citizens. But today Delaware makes history by…