Developing Nations Send Back “Romney Wins!” T-Shirts

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NAIROBI, Kenya — Shortly after Republican Mitt Romney’s defeat in the 2012 election became official, the campaign followed standard procedure and sent hundreds of thousands of t-shirts and hats declaring Romney’s victory to families in need throughout the developing world. It was quite a surprise to former campaign workers when, on November 27th, the massive shipments of apparel were found outside the…

Romney Continues to Campaign for President

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WASHINGTON — Even though the election is over and President Obama was re-elected on November 6, sources close to the former Massachusetts governor say Mitt Romney has continued to campaign across the country. “Mitt has been running for this job for 6 years, basically,” the source said. “When the results came in on Election Night announcing that he’d lost, Mitt fell into…

Losing Presidential Candidate Agrees to Donate Victory Speech to Leader of Third World Country

WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Obama and Mitt Romney both agreed to donate their prepared victory speeches to the leader of a third world country if they lose. Goodell convinced both camps to agree to the gesture after explaining it had been commonplace in the sports world for decades and both sides needed to…

Romney: “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 cents on the dollar”

WASHINGTON — Following heated controversy on Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s religious and personal views about women, critics were stunned when he admitted at an Ohio rally, “I love women, I only have to pay them 72 percent of what I’d have to pay a man.” In an interview with Newslo on Wednesday, the Republican candidate clarified his position: “These are the tactics…

Small Business Owners Cited in Stump Speeches Reveal Candidates’ Lies: “They never said those things to me”

JOLIET, Ill. — Deborah Carpenter, founder and owner of a chain of local convenience stores, has called out presidential candidate Mitt Romney for misrepresenting their brief conversation at a recent campaign rally. In a recent stump speech, Romney said, “A lovely small business owner named Deborah told me that I had her vote because the President’s economic strategies had failed her and…

Both Candidates Still Vying for Game-Changing Endorsements

With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including: Todd Akin for Mitt Romney Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.”…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics Romney Will Ask Stage Manager for Line During Next Debate BOCA RATON, Florida — In yet another bout of Romnesia, presidential candidate Mitt Romney will bring Monday night’s debate to a standstill by pausing in the middle of an answer to ask an off-stage campaign manager “Line?” Though usually reserved for actors in musicals and stage plays who forget a line…

Romney Gives Yankees 5 Point Plan to Win ALCS

BRONX, N.Y. – In a great display of magnanimity and generosity, Mitt Romney gave a speech directly to Yankees manager Joe Girardi this morning. Governor Romney prefaced the speech by reminding voters of how he won the Salt Lake City Olympics and of how his masterful strategic prowess can reinvigorate even the most dire of business situations.    “Well, I’ll tell you…

Romney Camp Looking to Trade Lindsay Lohan For Neil Patrick Harris & Eva Longoria

WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris. Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both…

GOP Reminds Romney of Blood Covenant with Religious Right

LUBBOCK, Texas – In a strange turn of events, Republican candidate Mitt Romney implied last week that, contrary to his official platform, he would not seek to outlaw abortion if elected president. The Romney campaign immediately disavowed the statement as a “misquote,” reportedly at the command of a secret council of cloaked GOP overlords. One leaked memo among party officials explained, “Mitt…

Undecided Voter Goes With Obama after Scarlett Johansson Endorsement

DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…

Romney Energizes Base with Commitment to Third Amendment Rights

ORLANDO, Fla. — In a speech today to the Tea Party’s Constitutional Originalist Society, presidential candidate Mitt Romney affirmed his commitment to defend Third Amendment rights if elected. The $500-a-plate crowd gave Romney a standing ovation as he firmly declared his opposition to the forced quartering of soldiers during peacetime. “President Obama has done more than any president in history to roll…

Pennsylvania Passes Law Requiring Voters To Complete Scavenger Hunt Before Voting

HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Rogaine Backs Romney-Ryan Ticket

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NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…

Delaware Legalizes Marriage Between Corporate Persons

DOVER, Del.—Corporate persons in Delaware are rejoicing today after Governor Jack Markell signed a bill officially recognizing marriage between corporations. “For too long corporations have been treated like second class citizens,” said Amy Haggardy, spokesperson for Corporations for Marriage Equality, on the steps of the Delaware statehouse. “Worse, in fact! They’ve been treated like gay citizens. But today Delaware makes history by…