Today's Headlines US

NRA Pushing ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Gun Research Legislation

WASHINGTON – The National Rifle Association is not standing pat in the wake of new legislation to be introduced by Democrats pushing for funding to allow the Center for Disease Control to research gun violence. In response, the group blasted the proposed legislation, calling it unethical, and backed a new Republican bill ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ alternative which would make it illegal for any government entity to mention gun violence in any way.

“The abuse of taxpayer funds for anti-gun political propaganda under the guise of ‘research’ is unethical,” said NRA spokeswoman Catherine Mortensen. “That is why Congress should stand firm against President Obama’s scheme to undermine a fundamental constitutional right, by passing the gun research Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell legislation. Our Second Amendment rights will only be safe when nobody is doing any gun violence-related research.”

The original bill, introduced by Representative Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) in the House and Senator Ed Markey (D-Mass) in the Senate, would give the CDC $10 million per year “for the purpose of conducting or supporting research on firearms safety or gun violence prevention.” Opponents say it is really a veiled attempt to take away America’s guns.

“The President’s request to fund propaganda for his gun-grabbing initiatives though the CDC will not be included in the FY2015 appropriations bill,” said Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Ga.), chairman of the appropriations subcommittee that traditionally sets CDC funding. “Instead, we will be including the sensible ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy which will allow gun owners to remain free from such propaganda-related research such as how many Americans are shot each year, do background checks actually reduce gun violence, or any mention at all about so-called Smart Guns.”

“What works to reduce gun violence is to make sure that criminals are prosecuted and those who have been found to be a danger to themselves or others don’t have access to firearms,” said Andrew Arulanandam, Director of Public Affairs for the NRA. “Not to carry out more studies. Passing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell just makes sense. We don’t need to research the best ways to keep guns out of the hands of people who should not have them, because that would lead to keeping guns out of people’s hands.

“It’s better if we just don’t talk about it,” he added.


#NoNeedToSatirize: National Review: Stay Away from Black Men (Again)

NEW YORK — They told you once and they told you twice. The National Review has warned its readers to stay away from black men.

In a column titled “Facing Facts About Race,” National Review writer and military historian Victor Davis Hanson explained how racism is passed from generation to generation of men in his family.

He begins by sharing his father’s warnings about “black youths” before claiming, “the advice was not about race per se, but instead about the tendency of males of one particular age and race to commit an inordinate amount of violent crime.”

Next, he let readers in on his own racist child rearing. “It was after some first-hand episodes with young African-American males that I offered a similar lecture to my own son. The advice was born out of experience rather than subjective stereotyping.”

Finally, Hanson laments, “I expect that my son already has his own warnings prepared to pass on to his own future children.”

The column comes only a year after National Review columnist John Derbyshire posted a 15-point plan to help his children avoid black people. Derbyshire’s letter included such advice as, “If you are at some public event in which the number of blacks suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible.”


NRA: Crazed Shooters Will Eventually Tire Themselves Out

BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun lobby recommends that America’s crazed shooters just need to tire themselves out.

“What we’re dealing with here is a classic murder tantrum,” says psychologist and NRA spokesman Ken McKay. “You can deter, ban, and background check till you’re red in the face, but the only real solution is to sit back and wait for our deranged shooters to get tuckered out.”

This technique, known as “Ferberizing” or “doing nothing,” has been used extensively in the realm of child psychology as a tool to regulate infant sleep cycles and to wean newborns off breast-feeding. It remains untested as a method of dealing with adults suffering from dangerous sociopathic tendencies.

“Sure, we could ban military-grade assault rifles and hundred-round drum clips,” says NRA President David Keene. “But then who would the real victims be? Hard working Americans like you and me. Granted, not the victims of shooting sprees, but victims of something much worse—not being able to hunt deer with rocket-propelled grenades. We’d be alive, but at what cost?”

The NRA acknowledges there will be some difficulty in the transition. “But if we change even one law,” warns Keene, “we might actually learn something.”

Supporters of the NRA are out in force to back the group’s proposal.

“When my dog is acting out, chewing on my loafers or getting on the furniture,” says Colorado gun store owner Gus Davies, “I don’t restrict his constitutional rights. I take him to the dog park and let him go nuts.” Davies suggests doing the same with our mass killers. “In fact,” says Davies, “It’s all Obama’s anti-gun laws that are making things worse. I say the crazier you are, the easier it should be to come into the range and blast off a few hundred rounds.”

Conservatives also insist now is not the time for a conversation about gun control. “It would be political opportunism at its worst to use the endless chain of mass shootings to suggest our gun policy may be failing us,” alleges Fox News host Sean Hannity.

But according to experts, this conversation will never be appropriate, as the nation is never more than six days from its next mass shooting.

“After a string of tragedies like this, what’s most important is that we don’t change anything substantial in the way this country deals with its guns,” says Keene. “If we tighten regulation on gun ownership by the mentally ill or potentially dangerous, then don’t the terrorists win?”


NRA VP Sitting In Dark Living Room With Loaded AK-47, Waiting to Shoot Intruder

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun.

“I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d love some action. Seriously, somebody please invade my home. ”

The gun-advocate will continue to slowly puff a cigarette in the darkness while aiming his AK-47 assault rifle at the front door, insisting that the Founding Fathers intended for him to “cap the living shit” out of anyone who tries to make off with his flat screen television.

“I’m waiting,” added LaPierre, who can be seen through the window rocking in a chair with extra magazines of ammunition draped around his neck. Authorities also believe the NRA VP has a six-inch bowie knife duct-taped to his calf.

A vast, intricate system of tripwires and land-mines also surround LaPierre’s sprawling Fairfax residence, including a neon-sign at the end of the driveway that reads “ON VACATION: COME ON IN.” The home boasts five bedrooms, four baths, and a three-car garage that as of press time is still completely open.

“He really loves his guns,” said neighbor Ellen Fishbein, who was fired at multiple times last week for trying to drop off some of LaPierre’s mis-delivered mail. “He just sits there and strokes them.”

LaPierre, who was last seen sporting military fatigues and eating sardines from a can with a Swiss-army knife, is celebrated among legions of paranoid white men for his effective lobbying techniques as well as an impressive stockpile of rocket-propelled grenades. Critics, however, have railed against the LaPierre’s permissive attitude on gun control, and believe that the NRA honcho encourages a right-wing fantasy that has little basis in the day-to-day reality of life.

“He lives in a gated community,” said Moms Against Guns spokeswoman Becky Sullworth. “I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.”

LaPierre recently made headlines for pushing a bill through Congress that allows registered gun-owners to shoot door-to-door salesmen on sight.