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Politics

Romney Camp Looking to Trade Lindsay Lohan For Neil Patrick Harris & Eva Longoria

WASHINGTON— In an attempt to diversify its voting base, the Romney camp contacted the White House yesterday and offered to trade celebrity endorsers Lindsay Lohan and Scott Baio for Eva Longoria and Neil Patrick Harris.

Longoria and Harris are outspoken proponents for Latino and gay rights, respectively, and their endorsements could sway the election. Campaign advisers have been eager to acquire both stars since realizing their most popular endorser, Clint Eastwood, was only effective in persuading dementia patients. But reports from within the White House say the Obama camp isn’t sold on the deal.

“We didn’t want Lohan in 2008, so why would we want her now?” said deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter. “And Scott Baio? That’s just insulting.”

Romney advisers stress they are willing to trade any celebrity “except for Donald Trump” as long as Lindsay Lohan is part of the deal.

“We really don’t want Lohan,” said Romney spokesperson Eric Fehrnstrom. “She bombed on SNL and her meth teeth aren’t a good look. We are willing to throw in Shyne and Cindy Crawford for the right price.”

Obama advisers counter-offered Kal Penn and Ricky Martin for Stacey Dash, Chuck Norris and Jenna Jameson, but Fehrnstrom said Ricky Martin was “way too gay” and “Kal Penn is Indian, which is a completely irrelevant demographic in this election.”

If Romney’s team is able to negotiate for both Longoria and Harris, it will be one of the most successful deals since Richard Nixon traded two packs of Marlboros and a bottle of Jameson for Wilt Chamberlain in 1968.

Categories
Politics

Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.”

As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what they believed was the 9-time Tony Award-winning musical, “The Book of Mormon,” which has taken Broadway by storm since its debut in 2010.

Tony host and openly gay actor Neil Patrick Harris told Newslo, “I hate the guy’s politics, but I appreciate that he can have such respect for a great musical and our art form.” Harris admits that his decision in the November election may be “tougher than I thought.”

Cheyenne Jackson, another openly gay actor who received a Drama Desk nomination for his performance in “Xanadu” and has starred on the hit sitcom “30 Rock,” also expressed newfound support for the Republican nominee. “Sure, Obama ‘personally believes’ we should be allowed to marry, but when’s the last time you saw him on the Great White Way?” Jackson asked.

A plethora of other openly gay thespians have taken to social media sites like Facebook and Twitter to echo Jackson and Harris’ statements. Political commentators speculate that Romney’s remarks may mark a critical turning point in the election as he begins to establish a connection with the LGBT community, a demographic typically out of reach for conservatives.