Chris Christie: “The Conclusion of ‘Jersey Shore’ Marks the Return of Our State’s Integrity”

Chris-christie

NEWARK, N.J. — Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered a brief speech to the press declaring that the conclusion of MTV’s hit television program “Jersey Shore” would restore the state’s status as “the most respected in the Union.” The program, which chronicles the personal relationships of eight caricatures of Italian-American youth culture, has plagued New Jersey’s once esteemed reputation for high…

Bloomberg Caught Strapping Dynamite to Verrazzano Bridge to Cut Off Staten Island

NEW YORK — Commuters along the Verrazzano-Narrows bridge yesterday morning were shocked to find NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg dangling below from a bungee-cord, duct-taping bricks of dynamite to the pilings in an attempt to sever the only physical tie Staten Island has to New York City. “I’m blowin’ this shit up!” the mayor called out to the throng of witnesses gathered above,…

Tebow Confesses to Fascination With Grass

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Tim Tebow revealed in a press conference yesterday that his signature one-knee stance we have come to know as “Tebowing” is not a personal shout-out to God but rather just a deep, profound fascination with grass. “It’s just so green,” he told reporters outside Newark Airport. “And I don’t understand how it grows upward. Seems like something would…