Today's Headlines World

Focus on the Family Asks Vatican For New Pope

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — The prominent socially conservative organization and global Christian ministry Focus on the Family has sent a formal request to the Vatican today asking for a new Pope. They have complained that his frequent calls to help the poor and to love and treat all mankind equally went against what they viewed as proper church teaching and hoped a conclave could be called upon to select a more traditionally conservative Pontiff.

“Pope Francis seems nice and all, but frankly I don’t think he read the job description,” said President Jim Daly. “He keeps preaching about tolerance and forgiveness like he’s some blasted hippy. The Vatican needs to muzzle that guy before he goes full-commie.”

The idea to demand a new Pope had been percolating within the organization for some time, but came to head after Pope Francis’ remarks at a recent Mass. “The faith passes, so to speak, through a distiller and becomes ideology,” preached His Holiness. “And ideologies are rigid, always. Of every sign: rigid…It is a serious illness, this of ideological Christians. It is an illness.”

“That was hard to hear,” admitted James Dobson, founder and chairman emeritus of the organization. “It almost sounds like he’s saying you can be Christian even if you’re not a staunch conservative Republican. But that’s just crazy talk.”

Pope Francis, however, seemed adamant that faith should trump ideology, warning, “When a Christian becomes a disciple of the ideology, he has lost the faith: he is no longer a disciple of Jesus, he is a disciple of this attitude of thought.” He went on to say that the reason a Christian would become so rigid in his ideology is lack of prayer. ”[A Christian who does not pray is] arrogant, is proud, is sure of himself. He is not humble. He seeks his own advancement.”

“That was totally uncalled for,” continued Dobson. “You see, the problem with this Pope is that he is a Nazi sympathizer who hates Jesus. That’s not me saying that, that was God. His exact words to me were ‘James, Pope Francis is an atheist. You people need to get yourself a new Pope who can hate liberals with the best of them.’”

Today's Headlines World

Pope Francis Shocked to Discover How Church Defines Christianity

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis admitted today that since his election in March, he had been so busy running the Church that he just now got around to familiarizing himself with its core message and the many public statements it has made over the last two decades – teachings that he ruefully described as “eye-opening,” particularly with regard to what he calls the Church’s “obsession” with abortion and gays.

“First off – mea culpa,” said Francis from the Vatican. “If I’m steering the Church, I should have gotten around to reading official positions right from the start.  But it’s a busy job – I’m spending time counseling those who are sick and in prison, reaching out to the poor, plus I’m driving this used ’84 Renault POS that needs to go to the shop twice a week.“

Francis  said that he finally had time to peruse official Church teachings and press releases this week, and was disturbed by their narrow scope.  “So I’m flipping through this file and taking notes, and it starts off with a long rant about homosexuality.  I believe I made myself clear in the Sermon on the Jet, but whatevs.  Then it goes into abortion and I’m like ‘OK, sanctity of life – got it’. And then it just goes back and forth between the two.  Twenty friggin’ years of ping-ponging between gays and abortion.  Who wrote this, a Baptist?”

He also added that while he is all for honoring Church traditions, “a bunch of dudes in long flowing gowns who’ve never been on a date should probably not bring up the topic of gender and sexuality unprovoked.”

Francis said he was also dismayed to learn that the Church  sanctions the opening of gifts on Christmas Eve, takes The Da Vinci Code seriously, and expects him to stay at his job until the day he dies.

“Jesu Cristo,” he muttered as he poured himself three fingers of holy wine and popped two communion wafers.

After the press conference, sources close to Francis reported that the pontiff was shocked to learn that the foppishly attired Swiss Guard were not simply there for photos ops with tourists but are in fact charged with protecting his life.


Pope’s Foot Fetish Leaves Traditionalists Weary, Liberals Delighted

VATICAN CITY — Last month’s election of Pope Francis, a celebrated advocate for the poor in his native Argentina, has been met with acclaim by those hoping for change in the Roman Catholic Church. And now, following a visit to a youth detention center during which he washed the feet of two young women, progressive Catholics are viewing his open display of foot-fetishism as a brave step towards the sexual liberation of Catholicism, while traditionalists are becoming gravely concerned about the direction of the Church.

Justin Jones, a 44-year-old construction worker from Long Island, praised the Pope for his open attitude.

“For too long, the Catholic Church has held archaic, irresponsible views on sex. But Pope Francis is a breath of fresh air. It’s nice to know that despite being the most powerful holy leader in the world, he too has kinky, unusual sexual proclivities just like you and I,” said Jones. “And it’s beautiful that he’s comfortable enough with himself to be open about it.”

New York Jets Head Coach and fellow foot fetishist Rex Ryan has also praised Pope Francis for his openness, noting that harboring a sexual attraction to feet is nothing to be ashamed of.

“I mean, the way the toes wiggle. The way they flop around in sandals…They’re clearly the sexiest part of a woman’s body,” said Ryan. “Toes, nails, heels, ankles, arches, man oh man. Call em’ whatever you want. Tootsies, paws… Wait, what was the question again?”

However, Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellett was quick to voice his displeasure with the Pope.

“With all due respect to the Holy Father, his actions last week completely undermine the Church’s well-established position that sex is shameful and should take place joylessly in the missionary position,” said Ouellett. “Washing the feet of young girls is unacceptable behavior for a pontiff, regardless of how sexy those feet may be.”


Election of New Pope Marred by “Faulty Voting Machines”

VATICAN CITY — Cardinal Jorge Mario Borgeglio of Argentina was elected Pope this week in an election marred by faulty voting machines, according to cardinals who were present.

“It’s truly a miracle that they chose me,” exclaimed a 76-year-old Borgeglio, who insists his name never even appeared on the ballot in the first place.

“By the time they announced my name, I had no idea we’d stopped voting,” said a surprised Borgeglio, who was given a paper ballot when his machine malfunctioned. “I didn’t even turn it in, let alone vote for myself.”

Bergeglio, who will be the first South American Pope to lead the Church, selected the name “Francis” as his papal moniker based on a book of “Fun Pope Names” he had brought with him to the conclave. However, cardinals felt little to be amused about by the time voting ended yesterday.

Vatican spokesman Rev. Fredrico Lombardi confirmed that there were “minor glitches” with some of the conclave’s machines, but denied that they affected the final results.

“We’ve had several uncounted ballots, a few switched votes, and all in all, it looks like five people participated,” said Lombardi, who veered from an official press release. “But on the whole, we feel as though God’s divine plan has been carried out.”

Cardinal Angelo Scola of Italy disagreed with Lombardi’s characterization of the results, noting that he was given a paper ballot when his voting machine failed to register his first choice, Cardinal Giacomo Biffi of Italy.

“Whenever I tried to select Biffi, it’d switch my vote to Borgeglio,” said Scola, who took a cell phone video of the glitch and posted it on Reddit. “Obviously I’m thankful I survive the attack, but I’m very upset that Biffi didn’t win.”

Scola’s post trended to first place on Reddit, where members of the hacking group, Anonymous, threatened to “take down Vatican city’s servers” if there wasn’t a proper recount.

Both Cardinals Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras and George Pell of Australia complained that their ballots went uncounted when their machines developed consciousness and began physically attacking them.

“We barely survived,” said an out-of-breath Rodriguez, who was found in tattered red robes hiding behind a chipping Michelangelo fresco. “I said to Maradiaga, ‘run, run, don’t look back’ – but he looked, he looked… I don’t know what happened to him.”

According to Vatican sources, Cardinal Bernard Law of the United States delivered a swift kick to the base of his Diabold-designed voting machine when its screen appeared to flicker black. Sources present in the conclave provided a detailed account of the incident.

“Piece of shit!” exclaimed Law as he began to furiously shake the machine’s monitor with his hands. “Come on – you wanna fuck with the Law?” Law was then expelled from the conference for not submitting a vote as required by the conclave rules.

By the end of voting, conclave “poll moderator” Cardinal Paolo Sardi of Italy ordered the release of white smoke from the Sistine Chapel’s roof – a traditional sign that a Pope had been elected, based on his rough translation of a computer printout in Latin script.

When it was revealed that none of the cardinals could actually read Latin script, the remaining conclave voters simply agreed to boycott the machines and choose Bergoglio as a compromise candidate.

“I’m pretty sure he’s Catholic,” said Sardi with a shrug. “That’s really all we care about at this point.”


Pope Benedict XVI To Say Goodbye to Vatican, Celibacy

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age, declining health, and a strong desire to lose his virginity.

Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi told reporters that the announcement caught Vatican officials off guard. “We all knew he was getting up there in age,” said Lombardi of the 85 year-old Pontiff. “But to end the meeting by asking if anyone had the number of a good brothel, that was unexpected.”

“I have given my life to God,” said His Holiness through an interpreter. “Last week, The Lord came to me and told me I had done enough for Him, and that it was time I get my groove on and hide the pickle in some quality poontang.”

“I then asked [Vatican Cardinal] Angelo [Sodano] what all that meant,” he added. “He’s very good with The Google.”

“I was honored when His Holiness asked for my assistance in interpreting a message from The Lord,” said Cardinal Sodano. “Naturally when I saw the result, I was surprised. Though it’s possible God’s true sentiment didn’t translate perfectly from the original Latin.”

Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, has long been admired by a legion of young, attractive women who are collectively known as “Benedict’s Babes.” Early on in his reign, it was not an uncommon sight for women to run up to the Popemobile and press their bare breasts against the glass. Vatican security eventually curtailed that practice, forcing the Holy Hopefuls to resort to sexting themselves to random Vatican email addresses in hopes of getting through. Insiders say the Pope took to Twitter in part to spare his staff from receiving these immoral images in their inbox.

“They are very persistent, promiscuous women,” said Greg Burke, another Vatican Spokesman. “I have no doubt in my mind that His Holiness will have a very full social calendar when he steps down. Though I don’t think this is what His doctors had in mind when they implored him to spend more time in bed.”

The last Pope to step down while still technically alive was Pope Gregory XII in 1415. Although history records that he resigned in order to end the Western Schism and save The Church, many historians believe three buxom, dark-haired triplets from Corsica may have played a role.