Election of New Pope Marred by “Faulty Voting Machines”

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VATICAN CITY — Cardinal Jorge Mario Borgeglio of Argentina was elected Pope this week in an election marred by faulty voting machines, according to cardinals who were present. “It’s truly a miracle that they chose me,” exclaimed a 76-year-old Borgeglio, who insists his name never even appeared on the ballot in the first place. “By the time they announced my name, I…

Pope Benedict XVI To Say Goodbye to Vatican, Celibacy

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VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age, declining health, and a strong desire to lose his virginity. Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi told reporters that the announcement caught Vatican officials off guard. “We all knew he was getting up there…