NEW YORK — With the New York Knicks’ hot start to the season, Knicks fans are asking, “Jeremy who?” Knicks fans were recently asked how the excitement of this season’s beginning compares to the ‘Linsanity’ of last season. It’s clear that Jeremy Lin is an out-of-reach memory in the minds of Knicks fans. One hundred percent of Knicks fans surveyed didn’t know…
NEW YORK — Millions of Americans in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic who lost power from the devastating super storm earlier this week are exhibiting symptoms of what experts call Post-Technology Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of the disorder include Wandering Thumb Syndrome – in which the afflicted reflexively use their thumb to swipe or scroll through their field of view – and the…
NEW YORK — Jose Gutierrez, age 56, has been selling hot dogs from his food cart on Central Park South for almost fifteen years. While business was always steady enough to cover expensive permits and supplies, this particular hot dog stand has never seen the kind of popularity it is enjoying this week. On Monday, Gutierrez referred to his cart, which sells…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…
NEW YORK — Well, all in all I would say that was a successful trip. One never knows what to expect from a jaunt to New York City, the land of hot dogs, homelessness, and homosexuals — Forgive me. My advisor is whispering into my ear, telling me that the gaunt figure in the potato sack-looking garb was not a homeless person…
NEW YORK — Michael Bloomberg is looking into several alternative methods to allow himself to serve as Mayor of New York City for a fourth term, Bloomberg aides revealed today under condition of anonymity. While Bloomberg was able to convince the New York City Council to amend the city’s term limit law and thereby gain a third term as mayor, many close…
NEW YORK — Commuters along the Verrazzano-Narrows bridge yesterday morning were shocked to find NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg dangling below from a bungee-cord, duct-taping bricks of dynamite to the pilings in an attempt to sever the only physical tie Staten Island has to New York City. “I’m blowin’ this shit up!” the mayor called out to the throng of witnesses gathered above,…
LOS ANGELES — The country’s celebrity gossip magazines held a joint press conference today to announce that Lindsay Lohan has in fact been clinically dead for the past 16 months, a fact which the coalition of pseudo-journalists were “regrettably” very aware of. The role of the paparazzi, however, went much past awareness. Do you know US Government, ASPCA beg Americans to adopt…
