Romney Gives Yankees 5 Point Plan to Win ALCS

BRONX, N.Y. – In a great display of magnanimity and generosity, Mitt Romney gave a speech directly to Yankees manager Joe Girardi this morning. Governor Romney prefaced the speech by reminding voters of how he won the Salt Lake City Olympics and of how his masterful strategic prowess can reinvigorate even the most dire of business situations.    “Well, I’ll tell you…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics Old-Timer to Regale Children with Tales of Life Before 2012 Presidential Race LANSING, Mich. — Old Man Watkins, a retired machine-parts fabricator from East Lansing, will amaze his grandchildren with the revelation that he remembers what life was like before the seemingly endless 2012 Presidential race. “It was so long ago, but I’ll do my best,” the septuagenarian will strain to…

Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely, without question, the Book of Mormon.” As the blogosphere and social media sites began to report the news, the gay community on Broadway reacted positively to Romney’s declaration of love for what…

Upcoming Happy Madison Production to Star Adam Sandler’s Testicles, Nick Swardson

NEW YORK — Adam Sandler’s next film will feature the popular comedian’s testicles in a starring role opposite longtime Happy Madison regular Nick Swardson. The feature, tentatively called “He’s Got Some Balls on Him,” centers on a buffoonish janitor who is afflicted with a sudden curse that only allows him to communicate through his testes. Aided by his best friend, played by Swardson,…

Rockstar Games to Release “Grand Theft America” With Goldman Banker As Protagonist

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NEW YORK — Rockstar Games announced today the next installment in its popular “Grand Theft Auto” series: “Grand Theft America.” The game will put players in control of a Goldman Sachs employee as he rises through the institution’s ranks. Whereas previous games in the series have centered on drug dealers, pimps, and other lowlifes, Rockstar is hoping to explore a new side…