Ted Cruz Father Suggests Placing Atheists in ‘Camps’
“Of course, this leads us, when there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion and, of course, no hope. No hope!”
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Pope Criminalizes the Reporting of Sex Crimes
"The Church wants to impress the world by getting tough on sex crimes, but they criminalized leaks, which is the only way anybody would ever discover their crimes. It’s genius, if you stop and think about it.”
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Two Dead After 3D Printer Jams While Printing Gun
"Unless, like many people, you consider trying to create a deadly weapon out of thin air as foul play, but it’s not the Austin Police Department’s role to make those kinds of decisions.”
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33 Amazing Things Congress Did This Year
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." - Milton Berle
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Al-Maliki Vows to Return Iraq to Peace, Taps Saddam Hussein’s Daughter as Running Mate
Members of the reunited Republican Guard were seen at a local rally for al-Maliki passing out novelty Saddam-style moustaches and campaign paraphernalia emblazoned with the slogan, “Yes, BaghDAD Can!”
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NNTS: Islam Not Covered by First Amendment, Says Republican House Candidate
“Most people think Islam is a religion, it’s not,” he said a crowd of Coweta County Tea Party Patriots in 2001. “It’s a totalitarian way of life with a religious component."
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Scientists Develop Way of Teleporting Real Information Into Textbooks, Bypassing Texas Bd. of Education
“This could change the game,” he adds. “The Texas Board of Education would have no power to indoctrinate students with invalid information.”
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Conspiracy Theorists See Cover-up in 9/11 Museum’s Removal of Commemorative Cheese Plate
Independent research from a non-governmental agency indicates that consumption of this blue cheese before bed is associated with especially outlandish dreams.
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Critics Call Pentagon’s Zombie Survival Plan Racist
“The plan is anti-city, not anti-black,” explained Kunze. “Trust me, plenty of white folk are gonna get eaten if this thing goes down.”
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Video: Obama Sits Down with Zach Galifianakis
Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: President Barack Obama from President Barack Obama
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#NNTS: Pro-life Virginia Sen. values rights of fetus over those of ‘host,’ which ‘some refer to as mothers’
“However, once a child does exist in your womb, I’m not going to assume a right to kill it just because the child’s host (some refer to them as mothers) doesn’t want it.”
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Indicted ‘Revenge Porn King’ Eying Prison Showers as Emerging Market
“Posting sexually-explicit pictures and videos of people without their consent has had its moment in the sun, but frankly [we’re] looking in another direction now,” Moore said in a jailhouse interview.
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GOP Congressman Claims Wives Should Voluntarily Submit to Their Husbands For Oral Sex
"The principle is among the most controversial of all directives coming from the Bible," he writes in the book. "Many of my friends dealt with the directive by ignoring it… Or, well, their wives did."
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Fresh From Scandal, Penn State Football Coach Refuses ‘Showers with the Boys’
“For now, I’m all alone. But I’m confident they’ll hop on board the stink train once they realize it’s a great way to shield the Penn State administration from future liability,” said Franklin.
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8 Wars To Watch For In 2014
From Syria to the North Pole, global tensions were on the rise in 2013. Here are Newslo’s predictions for the bloodiest conflicts to come in 2014.
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Story of Crackhead Turned Mayoral Hopeful Warms Canadian Hearts
“I think Rob Ford is proof that it’s never too late to turn your life around. It shows that anybody—and I mean anybody—can become mayor of our city,” said Toronto resident Mary Beansleeve.
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Home Depot Founder Says Next Pope Should Be a Rich American
“Frankly, that’s ridiculous,” he said. “I have lots of rich friends who love poor people. I mean we hire poor people to cook our meals, do our laundry, raise our kids. You can’t feel anything but compassion for your live-in staff. If the Pope had servants of his own, he’d understand all this.”
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Robin Roberts Comes Out As Greatly Inspiring
She just wants to continue spotlighting the hardships experienced by Americans so that the country can rally to their aid. Her courage and sympathy were both on display when she anchored a series of poignant reports from a Gulf still reeling from Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
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Amazon To Provide Customers Hit by UPS, FedEx Delays with Complimentary Sweatshop Workers
“This is why I love Amazon,” said Chicago resident Randy Klopeck, a proud member of Amazon Prime, the service that guarantees two-day-shipping of products. “They don’t make excuses; they solve problems.”
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Dozens of Armed Conflicts Around the Globe Pause to Remember AK-47’s Creator
“We owe a lot to Kalashnikov,” said Nigerian Islamic militant Igbo Okoye, toting one of Kalashnikov’s creations. “Without him, our plan to overthrow our decadent pro-Western government might be little more than a pipe dream.”
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10 Things America Needed For Christmas
From prescription drugs to vacation time, a sick and tired nation looked to Santa to deliver the goods.
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Utah Court’s Pro-Polygamy Ruling Driving Santorum to Anal Sex
While emphasizing that he “would not immediately begin” sodomizing his wife, the former Pennsylvania senator indicated that the sexual act would be committed at some point in the near future, “possibly after New Year’s.”
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Lindsey Graham Calls Judges ‘Barriers to Protecting America’
“So what if they haven’t stopped an ‘imminent’ attack? That’s proof that the NSA’s surveillance program is working. Maybe if they’d started doing this earlier, there would have been no 9/11 or Pearl Harbor. We could have seen the redcoats coming.”
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George Zimmerman Painting Purchased by the Guggenheim
“This painting makes me weep when I see it,” Schjeldahl said. “It reminds me that, in our world, a man can kill an unarmed teenager and somehow still be out there, walking around free, painting dumb pictures. It’s tragic—and therefore quite beautiful.”
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