“We have our own way of dealing with grief around here,” said a senior intelligence official who authorized the strike. “We like to remember one senseless massacre with another.”
“Miley Cyrus quit acting as Hannah Montana, Ted Cruz quit his filibuster and Edward Snowden quit America. These are people who are much easier to understand than some stay-in-the-job guy like Pope Francis seems to be.”
The legislation is named the “Stop Giving Unemployed People Any Money” Act of 2014, and already has 21 GOP co-sponsors.
“It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, he wasn’t just white—he was in college too,” classmate Johanna Mayes told My San Antonio.
“That, I think, speaks to a good instinct, if indeed it is true,” Stack said. “Mr. Odom clearly has no idea how a charity actually functions, but he’s trying, bless him.”
“I was a little surprised when I was told my approval rating among young voters is only 41 percent,” Obama admitted. “I guess there are more Myspace users out there than I realized.”
The suspect identified himself only after blaming “rapacious American capitalism and Zionism for tampering with German engineering” to leave him with a “real lemon of a VW.”
“Madiba and I were listening to ‘One’ from our album Achtung Baby, which many people say is our best record, and I could have sworn I saw him shed a tear. Everybody cries during that song.”
“The next time a victim throws the red challenge panties, we’ll be ready for a thorough review,” said NCAA supervisor of officials John Adams.
“Never met NM,” Kardashian tweeted. “But were a kindred spirit [sic]. We both dedicated our lives to makin’ this a better world.”
To dispel myths like these and proselytize Obamacare, the administration has tapped a Democratic “strike team” to give “the talk” to the nation’s schoolchildren.
“Mobilize your forces against the creeping Shiite threat or watch as the prices at your gas stations blow up,” threatened one war protestor in the crowd.
“If we allow schools to descend into violence-plagued slums, maybe these kids will see why going to college, getting a good job and moving to the suburbs isn’t so bad,” Kampen said. “I bet they’ll start studying their asses off.”
“Who can resist a fight like that?” Kaufmann wondered. “Not the SCOTUS, I can tell you. I’ve never seen them so giddy.”
“Something isn’t adding up here,” Jefferson posited. “We didn’t even know that there were French women who weighed that much, so we’re not sure what their research is based on.”
“We’ve been living out of our suitcases next to a Starbucks for almost a day now,” Jones explained “It’s been rough on all of us.”
“[The ruling] says to those boys and their parents, ‘Hey, maybe if you’ve got a big game tomorrow, you should stay home. There’s no need to be out carousing with girls,” Lamey added.
“And like all of the finest art,” said Jerry Wolkoff. “The 5 Pointz Condos can only be enjoyed by the upper class.”
“Now with eunuchs manning the new presidential security detail,” continued Donovan, “we’re bound to see the same level of commitment with fewer distractions.”
“It comes down to this,” the memo summarizes. “Men will be less likely to rape their females colleagues if they look like men themselves.”
“Ms. Ferrell and her children would like to apologize for their conduct that made the police officers feel threatened, which included being in a group of more than three and not wearing their safety belts,”
“They wanted me to dress casual and give the book cover reader a glimpse into my soul,” said West. “So here it is. This is me. Drink it in.”
The university is responding to criticisms raised by student Sy Stokes, who presented a video to highlight that UCLA has double the number of NCAA championships (109) than black male freshmen (48).
“Basically, being Black in America fuc*ing sucks,” he said. “But take heart – at least we don’t have it as bad as the Muslims.”