news humor and satire

Obama Delays Individual Mandate until Republicans Resume Government Shutdown

“The delay will continue indefinitely, in six-week increments, until we see adequate movement in public support for the president’s policies,” threatened White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.

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#NNTS: Herman Cain claims sex harassment charges were sent from the Devil

Cain said, “It made me realize that there was a force bigger than right.”

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Drone Delivers Healthcare to Yemen Terrorists in Latest Obamacare Gaffe

“It was like, one moment it’s just a normal day, and the next, completed signup forms are raining down from the sky and a whole building is enrolled in the president’s health care plan.”

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Barneys to Require Proof of Income for Young Black Males

“This way,” Lee said, “once they’re inside, we’ll know for sure what they can and can’t afford, and we won’t be forced to racially profile them.”

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Virginia Newspapers Endorse Anarchy for Governor

In addition to “whoever has the biggest pitchfork,” papers and other news organizations have in recent days endorsed “nomadic tribes,” Cthulhu, Thomas Jefferson’s bones and “Jim, I guess” in the race to be Virginia’s next governor.

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Focus on the Family Asks Vatican For New Pope

“You see, the problem with this Pope is that he is a Nazi sympathizer who hates Jesus. That’s not me saying that, that was God. His exact words to me were ‘James, Pope Francis is an atheist."

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This Week in Entertainment: Kim & Kanye, ‘Fifth’ Flops and ‘Homeland’ Introduces the Concept of a ‘Twist’

The rapper hates to draw attention to himself or make a big show – just one of the reasons we all love him so much – but he nevertheless planted a 15-carat diamond on his beloved, though only because he beat the rest of us to the charming, quiet maiden.

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NRA Suggests Schools Grant ‘Firearm Passes’ to Honor Roll Students

“Most schools don’t even allow students to have cell phones in class. There’s no way they’re going to let them carry guns,” declared Erquiaga.

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DC
Politics

Marco Rubio Proud to Have Stopped Dems From Gutting Obamacare

When told that he had, in fact, championed shutting down the government unless Obamacare was defunded, Rubio adamantly shook his head. “No, I didn’t,” he said.

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Rick Santorum: Why Gays Are Forcing Me to Divorce my Wife

I, for one, have chosen to act preemptively. Soon, the sodomites will be slipping on wedding rings. They’ll be lying down in marital beds, and will be doing so legally.

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Inhofe Insists Obamacare Would Have Given Him AIDS

“The Affordable Care Act does not force doctors or anyone else to inject American citizens with AIDS. That’s… Christ, are we really discussing this? That’s beyond crazy. It’s, like, Alex Jones crazy.”

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Cheney Requested Artificial Heart to Bypass Any Remaining Human Emotion

“The problem was that my heart started out three sizes too big. I just couldn’t go on living like that.”

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Sports

NCAA Cancels Student’s Birthday Party, Eats All the Cake

Emmert defended his actions, claiming that he just “didn’t want the cake to go to waste,” although he did later acknowledge that he “loved red velvet [and] wasn’t sorry to have to help out with that, although I know my hips are going to regret it.”

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Media Crowns GOP Winners in Debt Ceiling Battle

“They forced the President to kill Obamacare and replace it with the Affordable Care Act, they lowered taxes for the 1%, and they eliminated the Minimum Wage altogether.”

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Fox News Guest: Women Must Choose Between Partying and Getting Raped

“Well, maybe they should be. Look at this case. Look at the Steubinville case. Both rape incidents allegedly took place at parties where girls were drinking. If you take away the girls and take away the drinking, there would have been no rape.”

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Congress to Focus on Fundraising, Candy Crush until Next Budget Crisis

“All I wanna do right now is curl up on my office coach and totally zonk to Candy Crush for a few months,” Coburn admitted. “I figure I’ll be getting to level 200 just around the time we have to shut down the government again.”

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Politics

news humor and satire

Obama Delays Individual Mandate until Republicans Resume Government Shutdown

#NNTS: Herman Cain claims sex harassment charges were sent from the Devil

Drone Delivers Healthcare to Yemen Terrorists in Latest Obamacare Gaffe

Barneys to Require Proof of Income for Young Black Males

Virginia Newspapers Endorse Anarchy for Governor

Focus on the Family Asks Vatican For New Pope

This Week in Entertainment: Kim & Kanye, ‘Fifth’ Flops and ‘Homeland’ Introduces the Concept of a ‘Twist’

NRA Suggests Schools Grant ‘Firearm Passes’ to Honor Roll Students

Marco Rubio Proud to Have Stopped Dems From Gutting Obamacare

Rick Santorum: Why Gays Are Forcing Me to Divorce my Wife

Inhofe Insists Obamacare Would Have Given Him AIDS

Cheney Requested Artificial Heart to Bypass Any Remaining Human Emotion

NCAA Cancels Student’s Birthday Party, Eats All the Cake

Media Crowns GOP Winners in Debt Ceiling Battle

Fox News Guest: Women Must Choose Between Partying and Getting Raped

Congress to Focus on Fundraising, Candy Crush until Next Budget Crisis

Live Mic Catches Obama Suggesting Redskins Change Name to Washington Crackers

U.S. Justice Department Prosecuted 10-Year-Old Boy for ‘Being Gay’

Chamber of Commerce Seeks Refund for Purchase of GOP Legislators

Report: Obamacare Websites Slowed by Patriotic Virus

S. D. Native American Tribe Celebrates Columbus Day with Home Invasions

Republican Senators Hesitate to Betray Too Much Concern for Citizens

States Offer Secondhand Ballots to Under-Resourced Voters

Treasury Moves to Back US Debt with Bitcoins, Fearing Default