In addition to “whoever has the biggest pitchfork,” papers and other news organizations have in recent days endorsed “nomadic tribes,” Cthulhu, Thomas Jefferson’s bones and “Jim, I guess” in the race to be Virginia’s next governor.
The rapper hates to draw attention to himself or make a big show – just one of the reasons we all love him so much – but he nevertheless planted a 15-carat diamond on his beloved, though only because he beat the rest of us to the charming, quiet maiden.
Emmert defended his actions, claiming that he just “didn’t want the cake to go to waste,” although he did later acknowledge that he “loved red velvet [and] wasn’t sorry to have to help out with that, although I know my hips are going to regret it.”
“Well, maybe they should be. Look at this case. Look at the Steubinville case. Both rape incidents allegedly took place at parties where girls were drinking. If you take away the girls and take away the drinking, there would have been no rape.”
“All I wanna do right now is curl up on my office coach and totally zonk to Candy Crush for a few months,” Coburn admitted. “I figure I’ll be getting to level 200 just around the time we have to shut down the government again.”
“It’s nice to have a holiday and all, but I’d rather have my continent back,” said Ehawee, an Oglala Sioux high school student. “Besides, Thanksgiving is like a month away, and then it’s all about you guys again.”
“It’s premature to do it right now,” said John Cornyn (Texas), the second-ranking Senate Republican. “I don’t think that these workers would feel comfortable getting paid until it’s the right time for us.”
“Right now, the sum is small potatoes compared to the nation’s debt,” noted Princeton economist Vincent Templeton, “but if the U.S. defaults without a solid backup currency in place, we may be reduced to trading in potatoes.”