news humor and satire

Nation Dismisses Education Report, Notes America Still World Leader in Sports

The Department of Education announced today that America was still the world’s pre-eminent leader in athletics, and that “only nerds read international education reports, anyway.”

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Media

CNN Insider: US Default Would Save the Network

NEW YORK – A CNN executive speaking on the condition of anonymity today said that the prospect of the United States defaulting on its debt—a likely event if the debt…

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Federal Judge Rules Interns Can Be Used as Sex Slaves

“Though one would hope civility and decorum would discourage such practices.”

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Politics

Pentagon Lists Guantanamo Prison as ‘Fixer-Upper’ on Craigslist

“My clients just want to have their day in court or be set free. They’ve already had a taste of what a waterslide is like in GTMO and, frankly, want nothing to do with the dive park.”

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Tea Party Truckers To Protest Shutdown With 72-Hour Honking Binge

“They will hear us in the Capitol, they will hear us in the White House, they will possibly hear us up in Delaware,” said Earl Conlon, a trucker from Georgia organizing logistics for the demonstration.

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Politics

God Says Michele Bachmann Is Proof We’re Living in the End Times

“Michele Bachmann is sort of half correct,” read His statement. “The leaf is definitely on the fig tree, but she’s the one who put it there.”

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Entertainment

Anti-Gay Slur Brings NASCAR Driver Chick-fil-A Sponsorship

“We feel that Mr. Piquet accurately embodies the values of our restaurant and customers,” said Chick-fil-A founder and CEO S. Truett Cathy. “Making him the face of our franchise is a win-win for everyone.”

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Creationists Demand Bullock Movie ‘Gravity’ Be Renamed ‘One Possible Theory’

“It’s simply unfair to our children to not present them with all the facts: it may be the case that gravity does not exist in space, but there’s no evolutionary proof that gravity exists on earth, either.”

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Rep. Issa Furious That Furlough Applies to Him, Too

“You mean the furlough applies to me, too?” said Issa. “There must be some mistake. Does this judge know that I’m a congressman?”

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GOP House Members Stand Firm On Belief They Should Be Paid During Shutdown

When it was pointed out that many of the furloughed employees are also continuing to do their job, only without the benefit of getting paid, Cramer responded, “They have their beliefs, and I have mine.”

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Sports

Washington Redskins ‘Shut Down’ Embarrassing Season

“I have a family to feed,” said Pinkman. “Why should I lose pay because of the Redskins’ lack of run defense?”

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DC
Politics

Mitch McConnell to Argue Before Supreme Court That Money Should Equal Votes

McConnell is also expected to argue that contribution limits restrict the rights of the candidates themselves because they have a right to associate with contributors “at varying levels of intensity.”

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Holy Spirit Denies Inspiring Bill O’Reilly

"Also, for what it’s worth, I did speak to you in a dream after I read those first two pieces of crap. What I said was ‘Cool it with the Killing books. Jesus.’ You completely missed my point.”

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D.C. Mayor Arrested for Running D.C.

“I understand his logic, but the law is the law, and right now it’s basically illegal for him to be mayor,” said Boehner.

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Boehner Resigns Speakership, Claims Job ‘Just Isn’t Fun Anymore’

“These guys are just mean. I keep asking them to cut me some slack and let me turn the government back on, but they’re like big bullies. If they don’t get their shiny new toys like a de-funded Obamacare or massive cuts to Social Security and Medicare then they throw a fit.

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news humor and satire

Nation Dismisses Education Report, Notes America Still World Leader in Sports

CNN Insider: US Default Would Save the Network

Federal Judge Rules Interns Can Be Used as Sex Slaves

Pentagon Lists Guantanamo Prison as ‘Fixer-Upper’ on Craigslist

Tea Party Truckers To Protest Shutdown With 72-Hour Honking Binge

God Says Michele Bachmann Is Proof We’re Living in the End Times

Anti-Gay Slur Brings NASCAR Driver Chick-fil-A Sponsorship

Creationists Demand Bullock Movie ‘Gravity’ Be Renamed ‘One Possible Theory’

Rep. Issa Furious That Furlough Applies to Him, Too

GOP House Members Stand Firm On Belief They Should Be Paid During Shutdown

Washington Redskins ‘Shut Down’ Embarrassing Season

Mitch McConnell to Argue Before Supreme Court That Money Should Equal Votes

Holy Spirit Denies Inspiring Bill O’Reilly

D.C. Mayor Arrested for Running D.C.

Boehner Resigns Speakership, Claims Job ‘Just Isn’t Fun Anymore’

Nation to Sue Congress over Breach of Contract

Breaking: Putin Intervenes to Resolve Government Shutdown

Rouhani Angry After Obama Ignores 23 Voicemails

Dems, GOP Give Up On 2016 After Announcement of Ventura/Stern Ticket

Rick Perry Devastated After Wife Admits She Had Abortion

California Officials Celebrate Drop in Unemployment Caused by Computer Glitch

GOP Demands Obama Invent Time Machine, Persuade His Own Mother to Have Abortion

Black Woman Hoping to Get White Guy Verdict in Retrial

Resourceful Mets Reach Deal for Mariano Rivera